Friday, July 19, 2002


Hello, Master Bruce. Long time no talk, wussup?

Alfred, this place is falling apart. You've gotta come back. The giant dinosaur statue is dusty as hell. The Batcave and Stately Wayne Manor are a royal fukn mess. The batmobile is coughing up black smoke and I can't get it into fifth gear anymore. And the frikken laundry. Aunt Harriet ain't doin SHIT around here!

I'm sorry to hear that Brucie, but I ain't comin back to Gotham. I've got a wife, I've got a life, here in Hawaii. Things are cool. I'm happy.

But Alfred. Robin is standing right here. He's seriously depressed all of a sudden. He misses his parents, and you were like a father to him.

But what about you? You've gotta help him through this time Bruce. The teenage years are always hard, especially for crime fighters.

I miss my parents too Alfred. Please come home. We miss afternoon story time.

See this is what I mean Bats, you guys were just getting too weird over there. I had to dig out. I mean I'm sorry about your parents and everything, but you were like 8 years old, don't you think it's time you got over it?

No Alfred, all the forces of darkness must pay. They will pay, they will spew forth blood from their guts at the mercy of the BAT!!!

Uh, OK, Bruce. Look, why don't you guys come visit if you miss me so much? I mean Hawaii needs the tourism right now, and you're a frikken milllionaire for crying out loud! I'd love to show you the island, maybe see Don Ho or something.

Well I guess we could. We'd have to come by boat though. I mean we'd have to bring the batmobile and our crime lab. Which Alfred, the batcomputer is on a serious fritz right now. All it does is print out cards saying "holy shit!" now. See what happens when I let Robin surf the internet on it. Fukn porn put a virus in my batcomputer Alfred. Maybe you can look at it if we bring it out.

Whatever Bruce. Look I gotta go. I gotta job.

Alfred, the forces of evil are everywhere. I think I'm seeing the Joker in my closet at night. I'm scared.

Bruce, you need help. I really gotta go. Say hi to Robin & Aunt Harriet for me.

OK Alfred. Well, thanks for talking to me, I feel better already. Well be thinking about you while we're beating up the Penguin's gang tonight.

Right on Bats.