Friday, November 01, 2002

welcome november, oh month of turkey and stuffing, oh chambermaid of brown leaves and crispy air and football and pumpkin pie. thou art the all knowing zeitgeist that polarizes the year as it prepares for its own implosion in and of itself. the kettle that is preparest runneth over with your fruitful bounty. Aprons and frying pans, covered swimming pools and thick soft quilts, come envelop me, wrap me, and ship me to the mainland for grub a dub.

well we didn't really do jack crap last night in the way of partying or wreaking havoc or scaring innocent children. we were gonna head into Waikiki but i just couldn't face the insanse halloween traffic jam that piles up through there every year. we were due a halloween of chillin like corey dillon, dagnabbit. so we rented American Werewold in London, one of the few A movies in the universe (debate among yourselves, submit reports in slot B-4 - shit i sunk your battleship!) and kicked it old school. We even grabbed last minute candy for the trick or treaters, and NOT ONE frikken little sheister knocked on our door.

dang kids. we usually at least get a couple groups of rugrats, i don't know what the dillio is, if it's just our neighborhood, or do the brats of today just not trick or treat as much anymore? i remember we used to be out there from the minute it got dark till like 9 or 10. some of my friends would even go home and switch costumes like 3 or 4 times and hit the houses again. it was a goddamm falookin mission to amass huge obscene amounts of candy and these kids today seem content to sit home and stare at the boob tube and press buttons on their PS2 and then throw in pschokinetic seizure inducing dvd's and pass out from chowing the candy mommy and daddy bought for them and they didn't EARN like we had to back in the day.

but what do i know. bumpin the Judgment Night soundtrack. Remember that movie with Cuba Gooding Jr. and that guy from PCU and Dennis Leary and Emilio Estevez about some guys getting stuck in south central and some gangbangin gangsters fuckin with them all night? you probably don't, but you should remember the soundtrack. it was one of the first rap/rock hybrid experiments, this is circa 1993, before limp bizcat, before kid rock, before any of that crap. it's got some gems on it, including a run-dmc track with Living Colour. That was the gimmick, see, a rap group and a rock group bust out a jam together. Other collaborations include Helmet & House of Pain, Sonic Youth & Cypress Hill, Pearl Jam & Cypress Hill, Mudhoney & Sir Mix-A-Lot, Teenage Fanclub & De La Soul, Dinosaur Jr. & Del the funky homosapien, it's all good in the hood, trust me on this one. So that satisfied my feening of the day for a little Run DMC & jam master jay, even though now that I think about it, seeing as that track was a collabo with Living Colour, Jay was nowhere on it probably. hmmm, back to the drawing board. I guess I'll hum "Tricky" the rest of the day, that should do it. Ah there it is, ok transition to "My Adidas" and now for the grand finale, let us seque into a mental rendition of "Walk this Way." ya know, i feel better already. don't you?

okey dokey. so anyway, alfred, why don't you just end these blog entries before they start getting all stupid and rambling and non-sense making? For example, the above paragraph would have served as a perfectly acceptable conclusion. well that is a very good, and very fascinating and very insulting question, you son of a goatless mother, and i both resent the implications and laud your creativity. if that doesn't give you the information you need then i'm sorry i can't help you. capiche? uh ok, that i can live with, but what do these pictures have to do with anything? you fukkin jackass. isn't it obvious that the western musical theological leanings of 17th century indonesia was basically the template for the cowboy as we know it as well as those frikken guys are interesting looking. i mean look at that band. they are intently in-fuckin-tense on busting through the scene and making a name for themselves. even if they have to wash dishes for 6 and a half hours with avocado pits getting thrown at their heads, they will persevere. and that guy at the bar, that girl's stalking him, and that guy is an amway salesman, which symbolizes communism. well shit you didn't say that. clever, alfred, very fuckin clever. good show. yeah i know i rule.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

So I was little miss battery bitch today. The technicians had to install 36 new batteries in the skunk declawing machine which sits in the middle of a taro patch in Mililani, and I was dispatched as their "helper." In other words I lugged fukn batteries (80 lbs. a piece, thanks) while they unscrewed and installed high volage kine crap.

In this mindstate, I was like, damn, this sucks ass. But then we scored lunch at Chili's on the company card, and I remembered that, shit dog, I SOLD this job and am scoring commission, and free lunch, and two phat 23 ounce draft heinekins, and views of diamond head from the booth in Kapolei, the second city, and I was like, ya know, this ain't so fukn bad.

To follow up on my jam master jay eulogy. I thought about it today, and I guess there are two other people that died since Kurt Cobain that hit me on the same level as Jay. They are Eazy-E and Chris Farley. I think part of the shock of people dying isn't just who they were but how they died. Eazy announced he had AIDS and before the world had a chance to digest that info, he was dead like 3 days later. As for Chris Farley, the parallels with his death and that of John Belushi, as well as the obvious comparisons of their careers, was just a little freaky. Plus I thought Farley was fukcin comedic genius. And I thought Eazy-E was rap genius. Even if Ice Cube did write his best rhymes.

And Jam Master Jay was old school DJ genius. He was an originator, a builder. It's so much easier to destroy something than build something. Jay stayed in his old neighborhood, in Queens, trying to build, trying to bring up the neighborhood, trying to give the local people opportunities. And somebody decided, ya know whut? Fuk that guy. And they got a gun and they killed him. Blam. Done. Over.

Yeah so Jay and Run-DMC hadn't exactly been extremely relevant for a long ass time. So what, they were still in it to win it. In fact, they were supposed to play at halftime of the Wizards game tonight. Even though DMC's voice was blown out and they were a shell of their peak, shit dawg, that's a pretty damn high peak to be a shell of. A lot of people's peak never reaches half the height of that shell.

So that's it on that.

Amazing what alcohol can do to philosophize your mind. You can look at a mountain sober and think, hmmm, that's a nice mountain. Have a couple beers, and you're like, that mountain, goddamm, it symbolizes man's struggles from the primodial soup, rising out of the molten lava, to reach for the sky, to touch the clouds, to tease the eagles as they hunt for prey. To….

Ok stop right there. Hold it beer goggled Kierkegaard.

Ah yes, what I was going to mention and forgot. The CLIPPERS had their first game last night, and like true clippers, they lost it. Their opponent was their former teammate Darius Miles and his new team, the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's gotta suck to lose to the team you made the big trade with, ya know, you're kind of hoping you came out on top. I haven't seen highlights, I haven't seen boxscores. Miles could have sat out for all I know. Whatever. Clippers, 0-1. Hopefully they'll have better luck next time. With the Lakers 0-2, LA is kind of sucking ass right now aren't they? But the season is young.

Ok I'm slipping and sliding all over the place so it's time to throw up the white flag and surrender on this blog entry. Everybody have a good time with whatever hijinx you're getting into for Halloween, and remember be safe y'all. PEACE.

ok all i've got is 5 minutes so pay attention. oh yeah, and happy halloween.

first off, RIP Jam Master Jay. For those reading this from their amish farm, Jam Master Jay was the DJ and one-third of Run-DMC, the first rap group to break through Billboard and ring the cash cow chimes in Hip-Hop. Hearing about Jay getting shot in his own studio last night hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I don't think I've been bothered by a celebrity death like this since Kurt Cobain. Seriously. Even Tupac and Biggie didn't twist my mental like this. Jay was just NOT a gangster style or violence oriented rap artist in any sense of the word. He was a founding father, someone who elevated rap to the public consciousness of MTV and mainstream America. Rap would have blown up without Run-DMC, but they kick started it and put it out there and hip hop rolled with it. They made it possible for LL, Big Daddy Kane, NWA, Boogie Down, X-Clan, Public Enemy, Kool Moe Dee, and all the phat 80's stars of the day (oh yeah the beasties too) to collect benjamins and build and create and otherwise bum-rush society.

so there's that, and that sucks.

I guess that's about it for now. I don't feel like being clever or coy or funny or whatever it is i am when i babble in this space. i'm just pissed that a talented and still young (only 37!!) man is dead probably due to stupid jealousy and people's inability to accept the success and good fortune of others. whoever did this is a goddamm punk.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

well how's it going there bloggerville? warm fuzzy feelings all around? is your dentist busy and your magazine late?

ayayay just really don't have much to say today, so i might as well say it. i'm stoked for the angels but i'm really a dodger fan. and la is really a dodger town. so there's that. but eff the giants so it's all g.

24 was pretty bad ass last night. that is an addictive damn show. so this year it's a nuclear bomb somewhere in LA. nice. werd. i'm on it. but i missed real world last night, it seems they may be on at the same time. that just might make me get my gat. but 24 beats real world and plus mtv will show that real world about 5 billion times over again during the coming week.

i gotta remember to pick up 4 quarts of oil and a filter so some dudes at my work can change my oil. put that in your checklist and, uh, put a big invisible ink check next to it. yeah, that's it, so step.

oh i forgot to tell you that mrs. p and i saw punch drunk love over the weekend. good good flick. adam sandler is very good, plays some psycho issue-having dude with a heart of gold and a situation from hell, and it'll make you go hmmm. (ah shit, that's TWO c&c music factory references in one day, and i wasn't even planning it, is there like some award for that, can i get my agent on the phone, hello?) it gets a solid A-. The minus just cuz, well, you can't give away solid A's like their candy corn on Halloween. there are very few "A" movies. among them are clockwork orange, godfather parts 1 & 2, Goodfellas, the Shining, Full Metal Jacket, Airplane, Animal House, American Werewolf in London, Heat, Serpico, Wizard of Oz, the Manchurian Candidate, China Town, Empire Strikes Back, Fellowship of the Ring, Superman, Nightmare on Elm Street, Vacation, CaddyShack, and a bunch of others but i'm tired of thinking. ok so i guess there are a little more than very few, but punch drunk love ain't one of them, but it's really good. so go see it.

that is so it and i am so out.

yo yo yo and a half a roll o yehyo

you MUST read tony pierce's letter to the la times.

you are IMPELLED to read my guest-blog over at hosemonster.

you are decisively OBSESSED with reading Kate Sullivan's RockBlog.

you are undeniably TORTURED with longings to hang out at SeanBaby.

oh the bumpage. the savoi faire of chico & coolwadda. this is just west coast cruiZANG at it's absolute finest. Big G's and the spotlight, rocking cordless mics, real MC yes yes yall in the place to be.

durnoh, don't know what to write today. brain is like yo G where's the hibi-gribies? that's like on an east side connection in case you were wondering. WARNING: babbleaction ensueth the floodgates are open so KETCH RECK on the phone. Godzilla Like, that's the new term boyz & grrrrls, courtesy of C & C, but not the music factory dawg, it's Chico & Coolwadda, and their breakthrough ruffnecka "Wild'N the West"

dang with descriptions like these you're probaby wondering why I don't write for spin or rolling stone or readers digest well it all started when my grandma told me, the good goes south, the bad take the couch, and the papnappy napkin scratcher turns it all about." ever since then it's like realness or old school shit or....

wait what's this? appleboy, harvard homey, where art thou? hath thine enemies brought forth at the gate a mighty dragon with breath of garlic to thrash and gnarl and otherwise defile the g-style?

dang, on the reel chico & coolwadda got the flavah in yer ear.

now i must go east and seek wheat for the calf and the chaff.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Saw jackass last night.

If you can handle it, you must go see this movie. It is quite possibly the most entertaining yet at the same time most disgusting piece of cinema ever. It's an experience. It will sit with you for a while, and maybe not in such a good way. I was expecting hardcore, but I've gotta admit, they went above and beyond my expectations. These guys do some nasty NASTY shit and generally FUCK themselves up all in the name of entertainment. Good stuff. I don't want to ruin it for you but seriously, if you can handle SERIOUS fukn debauchery, check this shit out! If not, stay away. Nuff said. Who knows, maybe I'm getting old and it wasn't that extreme, but, no, it was fukn out there.

So, what else. I forgot to tell all of you about our drive up to Yokahama Beach up by Kaena Point this weekend. Kaena point is the furthest west point of Oahu and the only corner of the island that there isn't a passable paved road through. We drove up the leeward (west) coast of the island, passing by Waianaie, Makaha, Nanakuli, all the spots where the Hawaiians chill. This is a really beautiful side of the island that is not hit up by the tourists too much. The geography kind of isolates the area and the economy is kind of fucked. A lot of the area looks pretty run down, the structures I mean, but holy shit, the views. The mountains, the ocean, broke da mouf cuz. Usually it's really really dry ovah theah and the mountains are all brown, but we just had a solid extended series of rainstorms last week, so everything was green and the colors were slammin. Damn it was nice.

We drove all the way to the end of the paved road to Yokohama's, and chilled out on the beach. Views of jutting crags and body-boarders crashing waves. We'd brought the boogie board so I paddled out for a little session but the waves died down. 20 minutes later and still no action. I was so ready to bust a move and do a k-10 flip out, but madre nature was not cooperating. We lounged out for about 2-3 hours, soaking up rays and flipping magazines. I forgot the flask of courvoisier but it was all good. There was maybe 5 groups of people on a stretch of beach the size of a football field. Aahh, hawaii you are mein freund.

A very satisfying afternoon of chilling and sun and kicking back topped off by a phat sunset and a blue vanilla/strawberry slurpee from 7-11. Damn we have to get over to that side more often, especially after big rains - mental note, file this in your rolodex homeslice.

So that's how I still had a supercrip weekend despite both my Cal Bears and Oaktown Raiders losing like little bitches this weekend.

The end.

Monday, October 28, 2002

More things you MAY not have known about living Hawaii - PART 3 - (this is the one with Mr. T, so listen up)

21. There's one island called Niihau, that is owned by some rich ass family called the Robinsons, and it's like old Hawaii, they speak Hawaiian, people are only allowed there by invitation. NO HAOLES (whites) and they strictly kick it old school. It has served as a great place to guarantee the continuation of the Hawaiian language and as a mircrocosm for the old ways. Basically, you can't go there, unless you pull a james bond and scuba out, but don't forget your ovaltine dispenser, cuz there ain't no vending machines up in that beyatch.

22. first birthday parties. Back in the day, it was a big deal when the baby would make it to its first birthday, so they'd throw a huge party to signify that the kid was going to survive and grow up and all that good stuff. The tradition continues. Basically whenever a kid has a first birthday, the parents invites everyone they freakin know and have a huge HUGE party. I thought of it cuz I've never been to one before, and Mrs. P and I got invited to two on the same day next month. Maybe after I go to them I'll give you the inside scoops.

23. When they have dockworker strikes and shit like that, it's big news here. People go into panic mode and women are fighting over toilet paper and bags of rice at the grocery store. Think about it, we're on an island. If the docks are closed, we've gotta airship everything in.

24. Hawaii has a very unique attitude toward race. It is discussed fairly openly and jokes are made with little or no offense to anyone. Part of this comes from the laid back island attitude but mostly it is due to the plantation days in which people from many different countries were coming into hawaii to work the sugar fields. The culture is one that not only is interracial marriage accepted it is encouraged. There is a special word for interracial children: hapa. It's the whole idea of a melting pot and you actually see just as many interracial couples if not more than in-race couples, which seems to have lessened a lot of the typical tension regarding race common in most American communites. Local comedians can generally joke freely about the traits and stereotypes of the different races without fear of being called racist or a bigot. As long as you're local and know what you're talking about. For example, if you're Joe Wayne from Dallas, I wouldn't advise walking down the street and spitting out racial epithets, it wouldn't be cool, comprende? Don't want any black eyes on vacation and you saying, "well Alfred said it was no biggie…" It's all in good fun, and there's certain local words for different races that people use, too long of a story to go to deep into here. Ok, well it all started on a dark and stormy night in 1876, the first-mate was a mighty sailor man, the skipper brave and true…

25. Gasoline. We get FUCKED on gasoline. Current prices are between $ 1.79 - 2.00 per gallon. Supposedly it's because they have to ship it in from the mainland, but the oil companies have been accused more than once of price-fixing, but no lawyer's been able to nail them yet…

26. Luaus. Ok just about everyone knows what a luau is. Ya know, they roast a pig, you get wasted, hula girls dance and guys spit fire. Even though it's a touristy thing, it is derived from history, and it was a celebration and feast for royalty and other important dignitaries. They dig a big pit and layer it with ti leaves and roast the pig underground for like a whole day and then slice that shit up, which makes what they call Kalua pig, which is the fukn BOMB if it's cooked right. Other dishes served are rice, mac salad, lomi salmon, lau lau (pork covered in steamed seaweed), and fried chicken (somehow I don't think that was part of the OG style, but who knows). If you're on weight watchers you might want to avoid the luau.

27. Mormons. There are a SHITLOAD of mormons on Oahu and in Hawaii in general. The other BYU (Brigham Young University), besides the one in Salt Lake city, Utah, is in Laie, a small town on the windward coast of Oahu. The whole town of Laie is actually OWNED by the Mormons, lock stock and barrell. It's what the call a "dry" town, as in, don't try to buy alcohol there. You can always spot the mormons riding around the island on their bikes with their long pants and ties. They don't come to my door anymore, though, not since the "spaghetti incident."

28. Cock Fights. Any and all forms of gambling are illegal here. We don't even have a frikken lottery. So as in any other case when things are illegal, a strong and healthy black market springs up, and here the biggest gambling industry is underground cock fights. If you ever drive through the country parts of oahu and you see a big yard filled with little plastic sheds and chickens all over the fuckin place, let's just say you didn't bump into a hippie chicken sanctuary. You'll even see guys with t-shirts with a big old fukn rooster on it sometimes. Every once in a while someone will get killed at one of these cockfights, and the cops will talk tough for a couple weeks, but it's basically given a blind eye by the authorities. Hmmm, I don't think money or bribery could be involved do you?

29. Shave ice. Imagine the softest snow cone you ever had and then think, even softer and smoother, and that's a shave ice. They literally shave ice shavings off a big piece of ice, make a snow cone out of it, and pour flavoring all over it. The most famous shave ice places are in Haleiwa, up at North Shore, but we've got a pretty damn good shave ice truck right down the street from the Alf Mansion, which we are known to walk down too and kick back and stare at the ocean and think "lucky we live hawaii."

30. Hanai children. Many local families live all together under one roof. By this I mean, grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles, and all their various children. Sometimes with these large amounts of children running all over the place, it will become easier for kids to go live with their aunties or uncles instead of their natural parents. Also, sometimes a kid will just go live with a friend of the family with their kids. A Hanai child is when you have a kid that you take care of and raise as your own, but it's not really your child, but that of someone you know. A pretty common local phenomenon.