Thursday, July 25, 2002


Master Dick. What a pleasant surprise.

So, uh, how's everything going in Hawaii?

Splendid, Master Dick. It's all good, as you youngsters say.

How's the wife?

Great, Master Robin, she puts a skip in my step and a song in my heart.

That's awesome Alfred.

And how is everything at stately Wayne Manor?

Ah, it's alright. Bruce is all pissed cuz I kinda put the batcomputer out of commission.

Yes, hmmm. I heard about that.

I mean, I know I'm not supposed to look at porn, but Alfred, there ain't shit to do around here! Aunt Harriet is so frikken medicated she doesn't even know who we are half the time, and Bruce, jeez Alfred, Bruce is...

Bruce is what, Robin?

Bruce is losing it. He thinks the Joker's in the Batcave. He's afraid to go down there anymore. So now we've got the Batmobile parked out back by the swimming pool, and we peel out of the Wayne driveway when we go on patrol. We've been lucky so far, but shit, Alfred, our cover is this close to getting blown.

Oh dear. I'll try to talk to him, Dick.

Yeah, please. Bruce has set up the new crimelab in the kitchen, so he's mixing dangerous chemicals while he's munching Capn Crunch, and the state of mind he's in, I'm afraid to eat anything out of there now. Who knows what's in the tupperware in the fridge? All I eat is Jack in the Box. I hit the drive through in my Robin-Cycle. It's embaressing Alfred. That little outfit I have to wear, and I'm starting to get a gut on me from all those Jumbo Jacks and chili fries.

Hmmm. What about Batgirl, maybe you guys can do an intervention on Bruce or something?

Batgirl is off her rocker too, Alfred. Ever since you left, she doesn't even fight crime anymore, she's stripping!! Catwoman talked her into it. I think she's smoking ice, too. It's not a good scene.

Oh my. Maybe you should come out here for a while, Master Robin, that doesn't sound like a good environment for you.

Yeah. It's not. I mean, the other night the bat signal came on, and I was ready for some action, and Bruce was like "fuk it, let's go get some Haagen Daz." So we ate ice cream, and hear later on the news that Mr. Freeze set free like 10 elephants from the zoo. Bruce started laughing like a lunatic, and then he started crying, saying he saw the Joker behind the grandfather clock. Dark days over here, Alfred.

I wish I knew what to tell you Dick. I'll call Master Bruce later this week, I promise.

I'd really appreciate it. Anyway, I should go. It's time for Aunt Harriet's Zanex.

OK Master Dick, good luck.

Thanks Alfred.