Friday, July 26, 2002

On yesterday's news I saw that some dumbass people in California were having a wedding for their two fricken horses. I can just see the invitation for that one.

Please join us on this day of love and wonder
as Hazelnut and Whiffleberry link their manes in holy matrimony
grazing at the horse trough to follow ceremony

what the hell is going on with America when we have time to set up a friken horse wedding?????

I mean shit people, are your lives so empty and boring and inconsequential that you've given up on any semblance of romance and happiness and therefore you marry two fokken horses and that makes you feel better?

why does this bother me so much? Aaargh.

I guess I'm in a bad mood because I was shut off of the internet for most of the day by junk-ass Verizon. That explains the lack of quality in today's post and the salty attitude.

On a positive note, I did see the new Austin Powers movie last night and it is hilarious. hilarious. I mean, I laughed my ass off. That's all I'll say, I don't want to ruin it, and I think I kind of suck as a movie reviewer anyway. I'm too positive. I'm too eager to enjoy my investment. The last movie I saw in the theatre that I thought sucked super super hard was Random Hearts, a Harrison Ford movie a couple years back. Now that was fukn stupid. Some stupid crap about two people that were having an affair and then they die in an airplane crash together. So the spouses figure it all out from the evidence, the seating chart and stuff, after the crash, and they have to deal with the emotional whatever, conflicting feelings etcetera. Sounds like a good idea right? Wrong. It sucked. Not even the slightest bit entertaining, boring as hell, suck factor 8 million.

In fact, the only movie I think I ever walked out on was Roger and Me. This was Michael Moore's analysis of the destruction to society caused by GM closing one of their Auto plants or something like that. I know it was like deep social commentary, but it was so friken boring, so me and my friends walked out early. I was a little extra annoyed at the overall crappiness, that I decided I'd voice my displeasure by going and pissing all over the wall of the handicapped stall in the men's room. Looking back, I think I was really making a statement about corporate greed and big money politics. Bear in mind please that this was 1989 and I was 17 years old. These days I would piss all over the regular toilet stall as I have a deep sentiment for the handicapped.

Which reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George rides the handi-mobile, ya know, those Rascals, those little wheelchair scooters, because he's pretending he's injured on the job. Classic. Every time I see one of those rascals or whatever they're called, I think in my head, they should call that a George-Mobile. There's the classic scene where the mob of senior citizens is chasing him down on their Rascals. good times. I saw the most pimped-out Rascal yesterday, this old lady had all these wind catchers mounted all over, flags, the only thing missing was chrome and a giant exhaust pipe.

Anyway, Austin Powers is funny. The only thing is I thought Beyonce kind of sucked. She was like, that person in a movie that when they talk, the movie comes to a grinding halt because it sounds like they're just reading off of a cue card. but that was just me. Roger Ebert, I'm not. I ain't even Siskel. I'm just a guy.

OK this wasn't my best blog entry, and that's.... OK. I know I'll do better next time. Cuz I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me.

And with that my faithful reader(s) I bid you adieu until Monday.