Wednesday, August 07, 2002
did you ever play that game "jinx bathroom" when you were a kid, where if you said the same thing at the exact same time as someone else, and you said "jinx bathroom" first, the other person couldn't go to the bathroom until you said so? yeah me neither.
OK, I like John Madden just as much as the next guy, I mean, I was locked up in a dark room with only a jar of peanut butter for three days in 1994 playing Madden football on Super Nintendo. I was always the Atlanta Falcons, Andre Rison was UNBEATABLE at wide receiver on that game, all you had to do was chuck it in the air to him, and he'd catch it, and plus you had Deion at corner. Anyway, I digress, big Madden fan. I mean this guy coached my beloved Raiders to the Super Bowl title back in the day. But I saw something in the paper the other day that made me cough up my goats milk. Lesley Visser, former Monday Night football sideline reporter, and I quote: "John is the best observer we've had since Mark Twain."
Really. Since Mark Twain, huh. Author of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, one of the OG's of American Literature? The guy that hokks fukn Rent a Center and Tough actin' Tinactin is right up there, huh? Oh yeah and Al Michaels is the most articulate speaker since Abraham Lincoln. Sure you dumb hobag.
Saw Signs last night. That movie is fukn IN-TENSE. Good good flick. I'd say the 2nd quarter lags a little, just a smidgen mind you, but the payoff is well worth it. I'm pretty convinced now that aliens took my missing $11 and my Gang Starr CD. Also, I couldn't find my deodorant this morning. Aliens. I haven't seen them, but I can smell them, and they can probably smell me now that they jacked my Irish Spring, those bastards.
Last week Jim Treacher was pontificating on the subject of Mr. Fantastic and Elongated Man and that they weren't real swingers, despite their stretchable appendages, due to their status as married men. That really got me thinking. Then I realized, what about Plastic Man? He wasn't married was he? And he could like turn into cars and basketball hoops and stuff like that. Now that guy was probably a major pimp. Plus he always hung out with that really goofy-looking short guy, so he looked pretty cool in comparison despite that really horrible outfit he wore.
I'm pretty sure the Thing (pictured above) couldn't have sex, but the Hulk could. I don't know if he ever did, though. Whoever was his partner in that endeavor is probably in a lot of pain to this day. PS I heard that in the new Hulk movie coming out next year, the Hulk's gonna be naked all the time, no torn up purple pants, just well placed chairs and fig leaves I guess (hope). I don't want to see the Hulk's schlonger on a 20 foot movie screen.
I don't want to see Ben Affleck as Daredevil on a 20 foot screen either, but that prophecy is doomed to come true I'm afraid.
I'm going way to deep into comic book nerd-dom this morning so I'm cutting myself off. That's it for you Scrappy, call that boy a cab, no more Jim Beam for that drunk son of a bitch at the end of the bar. But Chuck, one more, on more Beam and Coke, I promise I'll be a good boy. No more playing peanut shuffle board, no more singing Purple Rain at the top of my lungs with cheese doodles stuffed in my shorts, no more hollow promises, back alley deals, or shady elbow-jives when Vanilla Ice comes on the Jukebox.
no more, I promise.
ferget it you're outta here.