Tuesday, August 06, 2002

continuing stream of consciousness week.

Still haven't figured out where my $11 went. I got a voice mail with some muffled whispers which might have been the ten spot or its kidnappers, but they didn't make any demands. Why are they fukking with me like this? Just let them go! All I want to know is that they're in a good home, that they're not being abused! And remember they like story-time at 9:30 PM sharp and they do NOT like watching Leno, but they will stay up for Conan.

I have a theory about girl-boy duos in popular culture which I'd like to bounce off of you. What? You don't want to hear about it? Well tough shit, I'm gonna talk about it, and I might talk about it for three hours so just enjoy. This is not a pirate cable box where you can just change the channel. This is channel zero. And you are my slave. And my name is Big Jim Slade. And, and, and - sorry about that. This stream of conscousness thing can get a wee bit dangerous in the hands of the inexperienced, which is not me, but well, you know what I mean.

So anyway, my theory. Have you ever noticed that when there's a boy-girl duo of young hero types, the girl is always more capable and powerful than the boy? I've got some examples.

1. Zan and Jayna. That's right. The goddam Wondertwins. This is just too obvious. Jayna can turn into ANY animal. Zan can change into ANY water-based thing. Fukn great. Jayna's like, form of a grizzly bear, and Zan's like, form of a bucket of water, oh wait, I can't make a bucket, um Gleek, can you go get a bucket to hold my sorry ass? The best Zan could do was be like an "ice-monster" which would usually get its ass kicked anyway until Jayna turned into a Tyranosauras Rex and saved his ass again. OK case #1, proven in the bank. Indisputable.

2. Those two jackasses that were with the superfriends before Zan and Jayna. I don't even remember their names but they had Ruff the Wonderdog or some shit like that. It was some dumbass teenage boy that was like "duh duh duh, jeepers aquaman, that's a big sea urchin" and the girl was like frikken Sherlock Holmes, she was Miss Genius.

3. Those two kids on Escape to Witch Mountain, that old Disney movie. These were the two alien kids with powers. Except the girl could basically do ANYTHING, I mean she had full on telekenesis, mind powers, she could pull a yoda and move around giant boats, the whole kaboodle from what I remember. The boy on the other hand, he couldn't do anything without playing that stupid flute. He could play his flute and make some raisins dance around but that was about it. It would be like, oh shit, Anna, they took my flute and they're not allergic to raisins, save me!! That girl was scary.

4. Pippi Lonstocking. OK they were a trio. Both of those other kids besided Pippi were pretty weak and stupid, and actually the girl was worse, always whining and stuff, but Pippi could kick anyone's ass, and she had a trippy hairdo, and she could pilot a pirate ship. So if you morph Tommy and Annika into one person and matched them against Pippi, I mean, no contest. OK I'll grant this is a weak example, but gimme a break, you know you wanted to think about Pippi Longstocking and I just gave you an excuse without feeling like a jackass.

5. Maxwell Smart and Agent 38 or whatever her name was from Get Smart! Maxwell Smart was the biggest Dumbass in the history of television, and he always got all the credit, but agent 69 or whatever always really solved the case. You gotta give Max Smart props for the shoe-phone though, so this one's a borderline case.

6. Inspector Gadget and his niece Penny. Same as #5 but not a sexual relationship, thank goodness. Penny always solved the case with that goofy dog, and Inpsector Gadget always took the credit. PS did you have that joke when you were a kid about "Inspector Fuzz"? No? um, me neither.

7. Mork and Mindy. Even though Mork was really powerful he was a dumbass that always fukked everything up and Mindy had to save the day. Except she had really bad clothes. Besides that she seemed really nice. Oh and Mork lived in an egg, which means he's still in the anal stage, I asked my psychology professor.

8. Bewitched. Darren was a dumbass and Sabrina was a badass witch with a real bitchy mother. Even their daughter could probably kick Darren's ass, even though she had to move her nose with her finger.

9. Beetle Bailey. The only person portrayed with any semblance of intelligence in that whole comic strip are General Halftrack's secretaries. Everyone else is bumbling around like a total idiot, except for Beetle, who is a lazy pile of dogshit, but somehow all the girls want him. This was basically my excuse for being a lazy-ass for like 15 years, I figured, chicks dig slackers.

What does all this mean? Look in your heart, my young student, and I think you'll see it, clear as day. And now that you know, take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself, have I hugged my dog today? It's time to catch up on quality time with Scraps, Rusty, whatever you call that precious bundle of fleas and ticks. No amount of critical analysis on pop culture can subsitute for that.

peace out and aloha