Posted 6:08 PM by Alfred

Don't get me wrong, I love it here in Hawaii. I gotta admit, though, sometimes I really miss Gotham City and all the good times I had there. So you can see how I really got a kick out of both Batman and Robin taking the time to call and see how I was doing in the last couple weeks.

BRRRRIIINNNGGGG!!! Well, will you speak of the devil, there's the phone again. I wonder who it could be?

Hello?

Hello, Alfred?

Ms. Gordon!

Yeah, hi Alfred, uh how are you?

Oh I'm OK young lady, but how are YOU doing? Robin told me some disturbing things.

Oh. Well. Robin's a little liar, Alfred, you know that. Like, remember when Egghead was hiding at Farmer John's, and he said he was gonna go around back and find another entrance? He went to go play video games at 7-11 Alfred, I can prove it you know.

Well, Barbara, that's all in the past. The thing to talk about now is what you are doing. Is it true what I hear about you being on ice?

Alfred, the only ice I'm using is for my vodka tonic. Gawd that little punk. When I get through with him… Like he doesn't have his own problems, have you seen the gut on that little turd lately?

So it's not true?

Of course not!! I'm a respectable crime-fighter!! But shit, it's such an embarrassment being associated with Batman now, I had to change my name!

Really? And what are you called now?

Check it out: Ratgirl!!! Pretty scary huh? I figured if a Bat scares people, think what a rat will strike into those villains' hearts!!!

Um… I guess so. But Barbara, there's a certain amount of disgust associated with Rats, isn't there?

Ah hell no, Alfred. Rats are cool. In fact, when I was staying over at my friend's place downtown a couple weeks ago, the rats over there seemed really nice, they brought me cheese, told me stories, all kinds of stuff. My favorite one's name was Popo.

Uh, really.

Oh yeah, that and the beetles. They're assholes, though.

Have you told your father, the Commissioner about this?

Oh, hell no. He wouldn't understand. You're the only one that understands, Alfred. And you're not here anymore. There's no one to trust anymore, just Popo. He's the only one besides you that really understands. Besides, Daddy is fuzz! He's the cops! I can't tell him I'm secretly Ratgirl!! I'm already wanted, because Ratgirl, uh…

Barbara, what happened, tell me.

Well, my first case as Ratgirl kind of went down hill after I stopped these jewelry store burglars. I took them all out, and stopped the crime, but the jewelry was never recovered. Now they think I took it! Which, uh, of course, I mean, I don't have any jewelry, I pawned all of mine.

Barbara, please, get help.

Alfred, do you think you could send me some money?

For what?

Uh, for books, I'm going to school.

What kind of school?

Uh, college, you know, I'm gonna study astrology.

Don't you mean astronomy?

Oh yeah that.

I gotta go Batgirl.

Ratgirl!!!

Oh, yeah. Sorry, but I really must be going. The bridge club will be here in five minutes and the turkey needs basting.

Well screw you then!

Ms. Gordon, really...

-click-

hello? oh dear...

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