Tuesday, August 27, 2002
What, he didn't pay his taxes? Oh, well let that muthafucka burn, then. My bad.
Anyway, this is Cal's opponent this Saturday in venerable Memorial Stadium nestled in the beautiful Strawberry Canyon of the Berkeley hills, and the fukn cannon is gonna be blastin as the REAL bears, the GOLDEN bears, do it golden bear style up and down the gridiron. First game of the year. Chance to get off on a good foot. Chance to not suck ass straight out the gate in typical Cal fashion. I mean last year we had to start off with Illinois, who spanked our fukn asses like a fukn dominatrix on Halloween, and it was just a pathetic downward spiral of ineptitude from there. Illinois went on to win the Big 10. Cal went on to win the third place ribbon in the intercollegiate parcheesi championships.
Here's what SI has to say about the Baylor "bears", ranked at # 88, this year:
"The bears have lost 29 straight Big 12 games; best shot this year is against Kansas at home on October 5."
Hmmm. Sounds pretty threatening. We gotta have the big guns ready for these guys. OK they suck supposedly, but for Cal, I mean, we gotta bring it even if we're going against fukn Okefenokee Swamp's 12 and under Pop Warner team, I mean, we're Cal. We suck the hardest.
But not this year dammit!! I'm feeling it now. The GOLDEN BEAR is inside my soul and cranium and it's whispering to me, it's telling me, I promise Joe, we're gonna take that green bear and rip it inside out, leave its guts spread all over the 50 yard line, and then were gonna set fire to it and have a fukn weenie roast. It'll be like Waco west coast style, roastin fukn student athletes instead of brainwashed religious zealots. Cuz you know in Berkeley, the religious zealouts got fukn lawyers and liberals and all that shit watchdoggin, but fuk, who cares about some punk ass ballers from Texas? Bring on those ten-gallon hats and fukn spurs and spread your cheeks boys, cuz the reaper is comin and its golden bear time.
PS - you may notice that I use the term "we" when discussing Golden Bear sports. No I don't play football for Cal, no I never did play for Cal. I am just a fan and alumnus and use the term "we" because I am obsessed and deranged and sick in the head and I fantasize that I am out there with my team despite the fact that in reality I'm just sitting there with a bag of cheetos and a root beer. Saying "we" makes me feel like I have a little effect when I jump up and down and scream at the TV, waving my cattle prod through the air and electrocuting myself every time the team misses a tackle or drops a pass. Their pain is my pain. Their triumph is mine, and if they win, I'm taking a ceremonial goats blood bath, so I think I've earned the right, mofo.
There. Deal with it.