Posted 4:52 PM by Alfred

in response to my sudden and inexplicable concern regarding content, i have decided to try something out. my boss is out getting his hair cut, so I have time to breeze through the Honolulu Advertiser, our pathetic excuse for a local newspaper. I'll be checking in with my biting commentary on the news of the day when something interesting strikes me with that patented ultrablognetic wit and charm. ok here goes.

well i always start off with the sports page. let me finish my whopper and onion rings and i'll give you the highlights. patience daniel-san. well the bucs beat the rams last nite on monday night football. i actually got to catch some of it as i was over at my buddy's place quaffing beverages. luckily no one had told us the score. if you didn't know, one SHITTY thing about living hawaii is the phenomenon of the delayed sports broadcast. think about it, we're three hours ahead of the west coast. if they showed the game live, it would start at around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. so they delay it, but then there's always some deuschbag at the party smirking and smiling cuz he knows the score and he ruins it for everyone. usually i lure this person into the street and ritualistically impale them on a manhole cover. this is more difficult than it sounds.

anyway fuk the rams. they left cali and hit nellyville so they deserve what they get. what else, some article about some 79 year old local weightlifter, yeah real fukn interesting. Let's see, terrel "i have to be controversial for the sake of my commitment to scientology" owens is criticizing the 49ers coach for not running up the score on the redskins this weekend. please terrell, don't try to make a rivalry out of some preseason game in Japan, gimme a fukn break.

Barry "my head is the size of a mutant pumpkin but I'm not on steroids" Bonds is on pace to break the homerun record again. whatever. fuk him. i'm still holding out hope the dodgers will dig themselves out of their hole and catch up with them and deny barry the chance to choke on his own chicken in the playoffs, which you know he will.

ok I'm getting bored with this already so I'm just gonna go through the front page and tackle the real issues. hmmm, it seems that something is going on in Iraq. Something about the british prime minister agreeing that we should go to war with Iraq? whut? this is the first I heard about this. I thought saddam hussein got kicked out by the ayatollah khomeini. and weapons inspections? hmmm. oh well, I shouldn't worry, i'm sure george bush will do the right thing, he seems really smart. i mean, he didn't misspell "potato" or anything. and he's really good at not barfing on chinese people.

oh here we go on linda lingle, the gop's candidate for governor here in hawaii. I got fooled into thinking she had a chance 4 years ago, no more games, nkotb, not falling for that again. the democratic party has such a stranglehold on hawaii politics and power it's pathetic. it's basically a one-party system. and the best the republicans can offer is the same tired big-honkered lesbian hashish mascot from last time around? no dice kamehameha, no dice. and don't even say i'm anti-lesbian, because i'll have you know i voted for dukakis.

ah i'm tired of the front page. lots of words. let's check the real news. oh that beetle bailey, he is such a character. and that cat that sleeps a lot? priceless.

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