Wednesday, September 11, 2002

well here we are. 9-11. one year later.

i thought long and hard about whether to even post anything today. there's like this big pressure i've put on myself to either say something profound and meaningful or just shut the hell up.

but you know whut i decided? to spew whatever's on my mind and just hope for the best. i remember last year that one of the prime emotions i was feeling, along with fear, sadness, despair, panic, etcetera, was guilt for any feeling that didn't seem appropriate. for example if i laughed, smiled, or thought something twisted i felt this massive guilt for even feeling that way. like any of us have the ability to censor our own thoughts and emotions.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that it is a weird day. i have this sick feeling in my gut. similar to last year, but not nearly as big. like i'm walking on eggshells. luckily i'm in a pretty mellow environment, just me and my boss today, and he is a pretty loose guy that basically is not offended by any offhand remark i might make. i wonder how all of you in cubicle land are dealing today though. is it just quiet, reverent, what?

i really don't have anything new to add to this whole thing. just my own little take on it. 9-11 was a huge tragedy and it sucks hard for sure. the fact that osama is still out there and probably celebrating today is especially sickening. the fact that the media is jumping on this like a dog on a fukn bag of kibbles and bits is disturbing and annoying. i didn't really watch tv much last night, just a little of the local news, which wasn't too overbearing. flipping through the channels, i noticed every channel has their own little catch phrase for the tragedy, which bothered me as well.

i don't feel like being bummed out, i feel like being happy and dancing around, shooting basketball, listening to loud offensive rap music, all kinds of things. am i a total asshole for even saying that, thinking that, do we have to feel bummed out? isn't that like letting the terrorists win, or some catchphrase like that? i mean, let's have respect for the dead, but would they want us to sit and cry all day, or would they want us to go out and bbq some burgers and hotdogs and celebrate the fact that we live in the greatest country in the world, in the name of which they made the supreme sacrifice?

when i posted the other day about how i didn't think the media should drag us through this overblown day of mourning, I even felt guilty about that. was i just being selfish? was i just wishing for my own personal benefit of not having to drag myself through those feelings again?

sidebar: i am such a dick. someone just called asking for pat mcgroin, and i just couldn't resist fucking with them for about five minutes, even on 9-11. am i a bad person? should this person be making calls about listing us in the us yellow pages or whatever today? what is appropriate? should i even care?

i guess the point of this nonsensical probably inappropriate ramble is that in my opinion, for today america, give yourself a day off from feeling guilty about anything. like a get out of guilt free card. feel bad you kicked your dog last week? it's ok. feel bad for waking up this morning and watching your tape of the beverly hillbillies instead of the somber news of 9-11? your off the hook buddy. i mean, let's have respect for the day and be good to each other and all that stuff, but really, whatever weird emotions or feelings your going through today, it's OK. really, trust me. just get through the day, go home and hug all your loved ones, pop in a tape of bing crosby meets milton berle for the sing song of elvis's remixes. whatever. if you want to watch all this 9-11 stuff, knock yourself out. but if you start shaking and crying, may i suggest some tiny toons or benny hill. i mean c'mon, no need to beat yourself over the head with it.

finally, mahalo and rip to all the victims. it is my hope that we are a stronger nation for your sacrifice. i like to think we are, but that remains to be seen i guess.

peace and aloha to everyone out there.