Wednesday, October 16, 2002

can I tell you something? Yeah you. You with the sheepskin inlined jean jacket and the aviator sunglasses. You with the coyote brothers t-shirt and the high top keds with the brown laces. You with the bushy sideburns and the blue-dyed goatee. You with the subscription to better homes and gardens and the leased harley davidson sporster. You with the $200 sunglasses and the $5 lawnchair. You with the keys to the yugo parked out back and the balls to drive it 85 miles per hour over the grapevine, middle finger flying, telling popo to have a triple scoop.

Yeah you. You really need to catch up with Hunter S. Thompson. He's been gambling again. And read this, cuz Bill Simmons is at his best when telling you about a really shitty movie, and it sounds like Undisputed, with Ving Rhames and Wesley Snipes, is about as horrible as they come. Plus it's got the scoops on the second Shaq celebrity roast, in which Jamie Foxx apparently ended someone's career.

Then, I want you to go outside, I'm not interested in what kind of weather you're having, what time of day or night it is, or what animals may be potentially out there. Well, actually, there's one very dangerous, small-penised and severely oedipal complex challenged animal out there, with a gun and a white van, so if you're in Virginia, DC, or Maryland, why don't you just sit inside and watch Powerpuff Girls on tv. Far away from a window. And if you have milk and chocolate sauce, make yourself a sweet beverage. Ok, for the rest of you, are we outside yet? Well then. Find the nearest plant. I don't care if it's right out your door, or if you have to walk 50 miles, but you can't use your car. Bikes and skateboards are OK. Smell the plant, I don't care if there's a bee buzzing around in it, or if you're on private property, or even if there is like an attack dog chomping on your leg. Smell that product of the earth, be it tree, shrub, or flower, and take down some information.

What does that smell remind you of? What memory, from what year, at what age, in what city, in what level, if any, of sobriety, and what religion were you practicing at the time? Take each letter of the beginning of each answer, line them up on 3x5 cards along the length of your driveway, and tell me what it spells. Sometimes vowels might be missing, so fill in the blanks like you would on wheel of fortune. Except there ain't no Vanna White to turn the letters for you on this mission. It's all you, homey. It could mean so much more than you think. It could mean nothing at all. What you find on the journey, however, will be with you like a flask of jim beam, always there, always ready, always available for consultation, consolation, and consternation. always.

I'll be waiting for your answers, cuz I want to compare notes. I won't hold my breath, though, cuz I doubt your conviction. Prove me wrong. Please. Peace. Aloha. Smiles.