Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Cap'n Horatio Crunch
Crunchville Acres
La La Land, USA

Dear Mr. (Cap'n?) Crunch,

First off, I want to say, I am a HUGE fan. Huge, as in, I really like you, not that I am really really fat. Well, I guess I'm a little chubby, but I'm not like Jabba the Hutt or anything. More like Anna Nicole Smith if she lost a few pounds, oh and I'm a guy and I don't have giant fake breasts.

Anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. I really like your cereal. Especially the Crunch Berries. Whatever happened to that crunch monster that used to be on the box with you? And the elephant that used to be on the cover of the Peanut Butter Crunch? I liked that elephant, but I wasn't too crazy about Peanut Butter Crunch. Don't get me wrong, it's better than almost any other cereal by those "other" cereal makers. I mean, what the hell, snap crackle pop? Gimme a break.

Anyhoo, wanted to ask you about your new cereal, (which is GREAT) not grrreeeaaatt like Tony the Tiger would say, that's for Frosted Flakes, which I must admit, I like them too, but not as much as the Crunch cereals, ok I'm digressing again. Your new cereal: Choco-Donuts. Holy Shit! That is some good stuff. One question, though, why do you say "Oops" on the box. It says "Ooops, Choco-Donuts." Was it some kind of freak accident in the cereal lab? Was it like when Captain America got injected with the super-soldier serum and some nazi guy ran in the room and shot the professor? Man, I am DYING to know.

I studied intently the picture of your production facilities on the back of the box. I was with you as far as the sprinkle-tizer. Does that thing sprinkle giant sprinkles which then fuse with the giant donuts? I really liked your idea of a crunch-a-tizer to mash all those donuts into little crunchy donuts. They're yummy!

Dang Cap'n just want to end this with thanks for all the great mornings. I gotta say I think you should give up props to the Soggies some time in the near future. A hero is only as great as his arch-nemeses, and those soggies were not to be messed with. And you can put that on long beach.


Keith Pennyworth
Kaneohe, HI