Tuesday, October 08, 2002

so how bout those muthafuckin golden goddamm bears? ah yeah. ya know, there's a few things i forgot to mention about their VICTORY on saturday. one is that washington was ranked # 12 in the country and two is that i'm pretty sure, i mean, i can't prove it, that randy rhoads' ghost was involved in it in a major way.

my evidence involves three factors. one is that randy rhoads was a very little known but quite passionate and outspoken california golden bear fan. he wanted to paint his signature guitar golden with paw prints all over, but it kept kicking in ozzy's flashbacks for some reasons, so they had to axe that idea. apparently ozzy had a serious trip involving bears and molasses and depends undergarments a few years before randy's joining the band and anything involving any combination was highly hallucinogenic.

factor # 2 is that if you listen to randy rhoads guitar solo on "suicide solution" on the ozzy/randy tribute album, you've got to have the vinyl, mind you, unless you've got some pretty fukn sophisticated CD equipment, well anyway, run it backwards just at where the solo peaks out and slowly, back and forth, you can make out a "grrrowwlll, grrroowwwlll," which any cal fan will know is the signature rally cry that ucla bit off of us back in the day and still propagate as their own. we're cool with it though cuz satellite schools will do that on occasion.

factor # 3 in the randy rhoads/washington victory connection is the one that really pushed it over the edge for me and had me doing backflips up and down my driveway even more than usual. if you look back on the whole grunge movement that was centered around seattle, you will find a conspicuous absence of randy rhoads whatsoever. some may think that the fact that he was dead had something to do with this, but c'mon, it can't be that simple. how can a whole movement of rock music as important as the one kurt cobain spawned on the muddy banks of the wishkah not have at least been partially inspired by and definitely should have included at least ONE post mortem guitar solo overdub by the legendary master of the original quiet riot? i mean, it was there for the taking. just for one song, how hard would it have been for say, soundgarden, to tell their guitarist to go bang groupies for a couple hours and have the engineer lay over a screaming randy rhoads track over any one of those songs? it would have been the monster hit of the year if not the decade. yet no one did it. think about it. they were blatantly dissing.

so randy was pissed. he was like, ya know, fuck seattle. fuck them and fuck their university and its football team and all it represents. fuck starbucks. fuck microsoft. fuck ichiro and the mariners. fuck the space needle. fuck frasier. fuck sir mix-a-lot. and the perfect way to make them pay was to take away their annual pleasure of bending over what they had come to consider their perennial bitch, the california golden bears. so mr. rhoads used his ghostly powers and transformed his incredible guitar skill into gridiron glory and spread the waves of otherworldy angel dust across the whole cal squad. with randy on their side, they went out and stomped like a bear should. randy knew, that for seattle, there could be no greater punishment, and rectification was sweet and complete and a wonder to behold.