Thursday, November 21, 2002

Hola my peeps. Remind me not to fall for the whole McRib thing ever again. Why the fuck is somebody gonna go to the gym and then go eat a goddamm McRib? Am I a fukn dumbass or what? I was gonna go home and eat a veggie burger (frozen, microwave it, throw it on a wheat bun with mayo, relish, maybe some onions and lettuce, tomato, DAMN that shit is the bomb) but I had to rush it and eat fast to help my girlie study for her botany test. Wish Mrs. P luck today cuz she had to memorize mad scientific names and Hawaiian names and family names of large amounts of plants as well as their uses and features and all kinds of crazy info and I was dizzy by the end of the night quizzing her.

I had the WEIRDEST dream last night. I was jogging around in Kailua town, and I notice this dirt path that seems to wrap around this mountain, so I start jogging down it. I soon realize that this is the "gay" path on the edge of town. Don't ask me what the fuck that means, I guess it relates to the ancient theory (?) that there is a secret "gay" road in every city/town, and I had stumbled on one. Being comfortable in my heterosexuality I decide I have no problem cruising through homoville. So I start seeing all these billboards along the path for gay-centric products, I can't remember what they were, but they seemed foreign and very "gay" to me. Anyway, jogging on a little bit, I get freaked out cuz I see all these skulls all over the path. Only they're not really skulls, they're like melted skull faces, and there are hundreds of them. And near all the flat corroding skull-faces is a big barrel that looks like it's been there a while. It's black and industrial looking and it stinks of death (well, there ARE fukn skulls everywhere, I don't per se remember a smell, whatever). Anyway I'm like FUCK this is uh fukn freaky. So I keep jogging and a little spell down the way, the same scene, mad skull faces all over the road and another mysterious barrel which looks like someone left it there a long ass time ago. It's like partially embedded in the side of the mountain. Now I'm thinking that the corporate bigwigs are stashing all their toxic waste barrels in the "gay" section of town because the rank and file don't give a fuck, and by the time the gay people figure it out, they're dead from hanging out too close to these barrels and there's nothing left of them but skull faces. Then I'm thinking I got to get the fuck out of here before my skull face is here with all the rest of these poor bastards.

So I had that odd imagery in my noggin this morning while I'm eating capn crunch and OJ and Coffee and my stomach is aching from revenge of McRib. FUCK McRIB!! Goddammit. Why is it that every couple years they come out with this crap I think, oh, yeah, McRib, that was pretty good, and I always fall for it at least once, and it always sucks. Am I just a stupid idiot?

Maybe the McRib is toxic waste and that's why I had my fucked up dream. Maybe Ronald McDonald is secretly the Don of Hazardous Materials and weird gay studio 54 type clubs that secretly destroy alternative society solutions via death camps and biohazardical chemical warfare. Fukn Ronald. And fukn Donald Trump is part of it. That doesn't kill me as much as the betrayal of Grimace. I thought I knew that big fat purple pile of shit.

Just goes to show, you think you know, and then you eat a McRib, and then it's like, outtie 5000.