Posted 3:08 PM by Alfred

"You will soon receive pleasant news of a personal nature."

Hmmm. Well then. Time to start making plans. How shall I react? Now that I know it's coming, do I feign surprise or admit that I knew of this fantastic (ok it didn't say fantastic, but it did say pleasant, and pleasant can be fantastic, can't it?) news after whoever mysterious person is going to inform me of it? This could be downright uncomfortable, I am not much of an actor, and depending on the happy scale of the news which is now I KNOW forthcoming, I won't be able to muster up the proper excitement. Dammitt. Damn you Panda Express. Damn ME for playing with fate and cracking open that fortune cookie. Dammitt all dammitt. I mean, I guess I could have eaten the fortune cookie and tossed the fortune into the trash but isn't that bad luck? Is it only bad luck if you eat the fortune cookie? Is it bad luck to not open a fortune cookie? Who says this thing is my fortune anyway, who organizes these things? Yet somehow I know it's true.

Hmmm. Deep thoughts. But not as deep as others. Others like Christopher Hitchens, who has determined that Mother Theresa is not necessarily the model of heavenly goodness that everyone takes her for. He discusses this in great length in this interview, and damn if he doesn't have some pretty compelling evidence and arguments. It's pretty crazy how much of our thought processes are controlled within parameters that have been set up by society. And we don't even know it. Mucho mucho mahalo vibe-action to Elizabeth at Capital Influx for being the signpost that led me to this revelation. There's all kinds of deep thought but not the Jack Handy kind over at her site. My brain hurts just thinking about it, but I was trapped in a vortex of knowledge. Don't you hate those damn things, and yet conversely admire, respect and hold in high exaltation their inherent zest and nuevo thought processees. That's right processees, plural of process, cuz I said so. Don't look it up in your dictionary. You act like just cuz it's not in your dictionary it doesn't exist. C'mon, peeps, get with the PG. Don't be a slave to the Uni-Mind! Verbalize at will in your own sector. If you want to hook up with some processees, there is just absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact, it's right. Very right. And so are processeez. Cuz you can't go wrong with the zeta.

Ok, well I would continue with this but I've gotta read People magazine. Jon Bon Jovi is such an inspiration. Now that's a REAL person that we should be donating millions of dollars too, not like that fake ol' Mother Theresa. I mean he's a rockin' dad that still wears leather pants and hangs out with his Jersey girls. But seriously, I know my tongue is often welded to my cheek, but please be advised that I don't approve nor cater to Bon Jovi philocation in this media. Not allowed nor advised. Randy Rhoads however is another story. Where's his goddamm People magazine cover? The 20th anniversary of the death of the greatest guitar player if not musician if not man of all time was this year folks. Damn. But ya know? Let's skip the usual bullshit and celebrate the 21st anniversary with true player style. That would make me proud. I'm gonna celebrate the 21st anniversary of Randy Rhoads' airplane accident with a huge bar mitzvah at my alf-mansion. My non-jewishness will only be an obstacle for the closed-minded.

Think about it.

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