Posted 10:18 AM by Alfred

Welcome. Come on in. Take off your shoes, please. This is Hawaii, after all, and we don't care for ruffians traipsing all their disease and pestilence all over our pristine oriental carpetting. Ah, but listen to me, I try to be polite and two seconds later I'm already drifting into obnoxiousness.

Can I get you something to drink? I've got Guiness on tap, here check it out, this giant elephant sculpture, the trunk disengages, and wha-lah, chiggedy check check that shit out! Not bad, eh? Drink up meester, there's plenty to go around and my assistant Jake does the refill in the back room, so we can tank these puppies all night.

Oh yeah, if your tastes run a little bit more, shall we say, sophisticated, I've got made buckets of Chenin Blanc and Wild Turkey lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on some unsuspecting playa-hata. Ha ha, no really, I'm down with it, and whatever's your mo betta, but the Guiness IS the house special. We pride ourselves on keeping it nice and thick, but not too foamy. How bout a Black and Tan? Jake brews up a nice house ale which goes quite nice, but I prefer it straight, but hey, it's my house but it's your party, so rock on chickadee.

Feel free to turn on the Big Screen, I've got all of Cal's football and basketball games from the last twenty years, and I just scored from a very well-connected mafioso source a tape of the Cal Basketball championship game from 1959. That's right Pete Newell beyatch. So sit back and relax. If you'd rather watch a movie, Clockwork Orange is ready to go and I could even be convinced to throw in Full Metal Jacket if you wanna get your war on. It's all G in the Fee, homey.

Later on Ol' Dirty Bastard of Wu-Tang fame is coming over to bust out a set from his never released EP. It was supposed to come out 6 months after Return to the 36 chambers, but legal trouble and a large drug debt necessitated trading the master tapes to a high level narcotics agent who just happened to be a big fan, who just happens to be a good friend, who just happens to owe me big. A lot of people think ODB is a clown, but lemme tell you something Gus, he may be the most underrated and super secret samurai bustin' rapper of all time if not definitely the 20th century. The only one that comes close in my mind is pre-20th century, the infamous slave Joe Johnson, comin' outta Georgia, he used to bust tha illest and the skrillest on Jeb Johnson's cotton farm WAY back in the dizay. Long story short, he burned that bitch down and Massa Jeb was found with a pitchfork through his nutsack and the Lady of the house was put to work on the streets of Massachusetts a few months later. And she made old crazy Joe MAD paper. Some say he may have been the first true pimp, whut with his gold headband and diamond encrusted horse carriage. It was a time for elegance and gallavantin, and up there in the North, he had a client list that read like, shit, I don't know, a bunch a famous mofos, na mean?

so anyway, my house is yours. So make yourself at home, kick up your feet, tank those skees, and feel the flow. I'll be back, I gotta go pick up my Grandma from Bingo.

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