Thursday, January 30, 2003

the clippers won last night. Beat the bulls, which in itself is no big victory, but hey in the land of clipperness, you take your small joys when you can get them.

Stoked on the victory but kind of salty on the state of the team this year, I picked up the phone & called up Donald Sterling, the maverick owner of the team. As I heard the rings into his private line, I whispered a curse against his mother’s name.

“Mac Mall Central.” This is how Don always answers the phone.

“it’s Alfred.”

“waddap.” Few people know that once the Don gets comfy and/or a little drunk, he drifts into a kind of bastardized ebonics.

“dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but tonite for some reason I just can’t let shit slide. What is UP with this team? Why can’t you sign Kandi-man and Elton to long term deals? Cough up the cash man!!! At least bargain with the men, they just want a little respect! Ok Olowakandi is a lost cause. You pissed him off. But Elton, for reasons unknown, actually wants to stay a Clipper. Do you just not give a flying fuck if they win or lose? WhutsUP?”

“Fuck them. They are greedy fucks. This is my team, and I’ll grind them into the ground if I want to. Don’t you know the kids love an athletic high-spirited loser? Dumbass.”

“you fukn piece of dogshit. You make more money off of this team than any other two owners combined in this league. You’ve got such a low payroll that you have to jack up salaries next year just to meet the MINIMUM salary, while real teams fight to get lower to avoid the luxury tax. You are a true fucker.”

“yeah well count these duckets, ho. Look bitch, call me back later, I’m kind of busy.”

“What the fuck are you doing you don’t have time to talk to me? Fukn playboy short. Too busy impressing your friends with 8-martini brunches watching a team with so much potential flush itself down the drain cuz everyone is just playing for numbers, waiting to jump ship.”

“Hey man, look, chill. I’m trying to get a high colonic up in this beyatch. I’ve got tubes up my ass and all kind of other hook ups you don’t want to hear about. I’m gonna be clean as a whistle so you can’t fade me, hear dat?”

“Clean as a whistle. If you didn’t have Elgin Baylor to score insanely talented players for you, even if they only hang out 2 years at a time, you’d really be up shit creek.”

“um, what was that? As you can see I’m really concerned. Oh wait, my fingernail is a little crooked.”

“Look, Don, at least promise me you’ll go back to the table with Elton. This is one of the few consistent 20/10 guys in the league. Night after night. 20 points 10 boards. For you. For LA. For all the people that don’t want to be like everybody else and slurp all over the lakers. Give the people a team. A people’s team, Don. Do it for me.”

“Fuck off. I’ve got tee-time in 2 hours.”

And then he hung up on my ass.