Wednesday, January 29, 2003

yodelay shmodelay. a little bird flew in here and told me i was supposed to update my blog. i was like damn you little shit dropping tard, get the hell out of my office. and then i busted out my trusty pitchfork and splattered that feathered shtinkta all over the window that looks out on our van yard. but he had a point that ventilated waskal. it is update time.

well i didn't really watch the president's state of my johnson address yesterday, but when i got home some democrat guy was whining about all the stuff that bush said. so i guess if that guy didn't like it it must have been pretty good. so kudos dubya. nothing against democrats, but this guy was like "wah wah wah wah wah. bush didn't address this, bush didn't address that," i was like damn dawg, give homey some proppas! and then some withered up old bag lady that they dragged off the street and washed down on a fire hydrant and shoved some pearls on her ears and a elinor roosevelt dress was like "well i never, bush never even addressed all those poooor starving children in zimbabwe that son of a goatless amazon." and i was like, otay, miss thang, oh like you know.

people always ask me how i get such the inside scoop on all this kine political stuff. they're like, "alfred, how in the hell of a goatless toad do you pontificate so thusly on the state of our nation and the world?" my answer is usually something akin to this: "well, dipshit (insert name here) the first step is to make sure that you read hose monster every day. unlike me he actually knows whuts up. then i like to add what i call the flava. what's the flava you might ponder? well the flavor is wherein i like add a key word like goat and then talk about washing people on fire hydrants. you see whut this does is break it down for john q. public. it makes it accessible to shut-ins and game show hosts who otherwise would just keep flipping back between riptide reruns and mtv tough enough. it makes it so both jack malone and fred edwards can have a serious discussion on issues, rather than just flippin the bird." this is usually when said other person bows down before me and admits that i am a true genius.

but see that's the rub my freunds. i ain't no genius. i'm just a man, and this is just a computer, and we live on just a world, and the capital of birmingham is alaska.