dr. doooom's answering machine

Jeez there are a lot of dildo ass people in the world. And it seems that 99% of them are on the road in front of me in the morning and the other 1% are calling me on the goddamn phone.

But they mean well, right? Wrong. Fuck them.

Feeling uninspired. Wishing I was sitting in front of a TV tanking forties with anti. That would be pretty damn long beach right about now.

But nooooo, I’m at work, hustling for THE MAN. Yes that man that oppresses all of you and me and keeps my damn nose on that grindstone. Ain’t that right bitch? Yeshshir, right away sir.

Ah shut your damn pie-hole keith you whining bastard of a stepson’s goat. You said you were gonna chill out on the beyatching and there you go again. It’s actually a morning filled with possibilities. The phone ringing and people bugging you is a good thing, remember? If it don’t make dollaz it don’t make sense, remember that you ungrateful deusch scrubber.

Write it down on a piece of carbon paper and stamp it on your damn forehead and carry around a little pocket mirror with a thumbtack in the side, so when you walk, it’ll poke you and you’ll be like “whutthefuck?” and you’ll pull out that mirror, look at yourself, and read “if it don’t make dollaz it don’t make sense” and before you know it you’ll be playing croquet with Donald Trump and puffin’ Cubans. All from a little creativity and a piece of carbon paper which people thought were worthless now in the computer age. Dumbasses. Nothing is useless, even an old bobble head doll of a long-washed-up star. Take that shit, melt it down, make a toothbrush out of that piece of donkey ass, and brush yo teeth cuz yo breath be stankin’ up the hizzle like a dizzle.

Oy vey this is turning into a stupidity fest that needs to be corralled by Annie and Charles Oakley. Now that would be a match I’d like to see. And so would you even though you have no idea. See, Annie Oakley is some old school cowgirl and Charles Oakley is some old power forward playing with Michael Jordan currently, and if they came together and wrote a song called “heal my bitch” then, and I really believe this, all the current geo-political problems facing the world would be solved in an instant. Too bad Annie Oakley is dead. Are there any prominent cowgirl broads comparable with Annie Oakley status right now? I know the reverse cowgirl is pretty bigtime, but is that the same idea? I’m thinking no.

Well this has been another exercise in futility. Every day I write this thinking that Puff Daddy is gonna read it and sign me to a record deal. So far nada. Cmon Puff, I’m the next Madd Rapper, I’ve got the gold teeth already, I just need the dillio, you know it’s time for the next white rapper, eminem is over with, it’s all about Fool Feith, yeah that’s the ticket, everybody else bites off a keith, why not me too.

“Yo this is fool feith, tearing up the area in your squarea, keeping it real like mr. Popeil. Recognize skillz on the mike and tear up my poonhole like a dyke! Long beach!”

gyeah now THAT is tight. You KNOWz it, you knowZ it, you KnOwZ it foolios. Fool Feith representing strong island and dogshit acres. Straight out of the dungeon, rackin up credits like an old decrepit horse named flojo.

Down with Carlos Escobar and the Gambino family. Keeping up appearances and dockin many clearances. SHIT puffy this is the bombaylucha, c’mon main, I’m doing it for the kids, the goddam kids, puff. DAMN! Recognize and holla, or else you’re not down with it. And if you ain’t down, then I gotta pass the gat to homey the clown. (thanks keith)

I’m kind a starting to think I should erase like the last 8 paragraphs and just have this be like a statement on the inherent beauty of space and silence. I’m gonna really think about that while I go teach myself the Turkish waltz and look for pictures on google.

Aloha.