Posted 12:10 PM by Alfred

oh I’m a goat. I’m a goat. I’m a son of a motherless goat. Have you ever really stopped to think about just what a motherless goat is? It’s a goat that never had a mother. So how in the name of Brandon did it ever even come into the world? Cloning? These are the things that keep me up nights.

I was reading popie today and some anonymous joe is getting into an uproar over the use of the word “gay” to mean “stupid” like when you say “jeezo peezo that shirt is so GAY!” is there anything wrong with using “gay” in that context? I kind of went into a diatribe about it in her comments section. Is there any gay person reading this that could give me some kind of context on what’s offensive & what’s not? I mean the LAST thing I want to be is offensive. I would never want to offend any of you worthless fuckbags.

Well the clippers actually won a fuckin game this weekend. I celebrated by poppin’ my collar and shooting champagne all over the walls of the alf-mansion. Mrs. P was not pleased, but hey, the clips only win every once in a while so it shouldn’t be continuing issue.

The lakers are going to win the nba championship again this year. Arizona is going to win the NCAA. Both of these statements are dissatisfactory to me, well moreso the Arizona thing, because Cal really has an amazing team this year and they’ve given me lots of joy and thanksgiving, but the wildcats are just too strong. In fact we might even see another all wildcats final with Arizona versus Kentucky, and zona will take it again. They’re just too tough. Oh and the la kings will win the Stanley cup, just for hose monster. And yes I busted into the crack supply again and these are some damn good rocks. Tally-ho!

Is saying tally-ho offensive? Are you like tallying up your hoes when you say that or are you just riding a horse on the foxhunt? Is a foxhunt offensive? I get so confused and I don’t want to alienate any readers, I want everyone to be a rainbow coalition up in this hizzle. I want Jesse Jackson to bump into this page and deem it representative of all the good things that he represents, like bangin’ bitches on the side while decrying the moral ineptitude of our poor nation.

Motorcycle class was pretty fun this weekend. Rodd Johnson, our teacher from last week, is on probation for rubbing his rod where it shouldn’t be, or some kine sketchy thing like that. Apparently Rodd likes the ladies and it gets him in trouble, or so a little bird told me. This little bird is in no relation to the little bird that told me that if I buy Corn Flakes I’m supporting terrorism.

Randy Rhoads, where are you dude? I can’t make this shit up, I need you to come tell me what the dillio is. I need you to sit on my roof again with your ghostly ass and bust out arcane chords at 3 am. I never got to ask you what you think of the new Osbourne’s season. I never got to tell you that you’re the most badass musician ever. What the hell, are they having like a 6-month long coke-a-thon up there or something? Throw a dog a bone man, let me know it’s all G up in H. the readers gotta know, I’ve been getting roughly 86 e-mails a day asking why no more stories of Randy Rhoads’ ghost, and I try to tell them, these ain’t stories, people, these are the true-life experiences of a goatless bastard named keith. I’m just not that creative people, you gotta understand, shit happens, I record it on my utility belt 3 way radio, I plug it into the alf-computer, and I press enter. That’s all this shit is. I’m just an antenna, I’m just a telephone cord, I’m just a two-by-four holding up the bathroom wall.

And that is on…. no. not today. Today it is not on any city or place. Today it is on like a light switch & I’ll leave it at that. I think Randy would’ve wanted it that way.

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