Thursday, May 29, 2003

I can be a prickly little pear sometimes. As in an oversensitive little whah whah master. And other times you could drop a nuclear bomb in my backyard and it won’t bother me a whit. I’m moody and can be super happy and super pissed in a framework of like 45 seconds. I am a human being dammit, and prone to inconsistencies and self-righteous moments of self-absorption.

Bleh. Who gives a crap? I realized in my little racial diatribe the other day I might sound like a whining martyr. Screw that and fuck me. It’s really not so bad at all. I had a moment of anti-zen at the gym hearing these guys say “haole.” It was in reference to a sign at the gym saying how people have been taking dumps here and there, and the gym is understandably pissed about it, and when they catch the fuckers that are excreting their excrement all over the place there will be hell to pay. And these Hawaiians were joking about it, like “oh did you do it?” and the guy’s like “hell no, you know it’s some haole.” They couldn’t have given a fuk that I was right the fuk there.

Anyway, background info you should know about h-town. Race and people’s view of it is very different than on the mainland. You can joke about race here, it’s accepted. But you can’t, as a haole, joke about Hawaiians, you just can’t, history and people don’t allow it. They’re persecuted, we’re the invaders, end of story. Don’t think I’m being shit on all day though, folks, I got it sooo easy. Really. It was just the moment, I thought “this must be what it feels like, to be, like, uncomfortably racially shit on” which is a feeling that supposedly black people and other races have to deal with 24/7, depending on who’s story you’re hearing. Little things, the way people act, the way they talk to you. things I never see or notice being a white male. And it stung. And it felt good. And I liked it in some small weird way because it felt like I was seeing another side of the coin and gaining some kind of empathy for my fellow man/woman/transgendered freemason.

Bleh, bleh, bleh. What a bunch of horseshit. Too much work today, got my brain fried. Almost lunch time and I’ll be on the bike, the wind blowing in my face, I’ll be smiling, I’ll eat something, I’ll come back and have a different attitude.

Maybe I should turn off this fukn nirvana. Kurt was talented but he was never one for lifting spirits, now was he. The man who sold the world indeed. Ever noticed how you can just say a phrase and end it with an “indeed” and it sounds like you said something wise and sarcastic and scathing & intelligent, even if it was just “peanut butter and jelly sandwich indeed.” Like it was some inside joke between you the wall and the mop. Like anybody fukn cares.