Friday, June 13, 2003

aloha and mahalo nui for all the gak fiends & toe jam specialists currently crowding the room. Feel free to knock over a lamp or two and trudge mud in on the carpet, that’s what it’s there for.

Well DC’s got a new criznab, ie, ham fisted theatrics iz in the hizzle fo bizzle. Chiggedy chizzlek it. maybe someday, one day, I’ll be a dotcommer. Maybe one moon after my hammy I won’t be a cheap ass blogspotter and I’ll venture out like fozzie & Kermit and stake my claim as a something or other. Or maybe I’ll just keep talking smack over here in hermitville. Anyway check out his site cuz he’s a pretty amazing writer. Once he wrote a story about the relationship between the needle on a gas guage and the empty sign that made my heart break in three sections. It was like, he looked into my soul and made a metaphor for my spleen.

Hold on fer a fukn minute. I gotta go take care of a little tete-a-tete.

Fuk I was taking care of something very important and happened to be sitting down & reading at the same time and people magazine informed me that Jessica simpson and nick lachey or whatever his name is from 98 degrees have separate toilets. Ya know, like his & hers. This is so he doesn’t fuk up & leave the toilet seat up & she accidentally fall in in the middle of the night. So she can have her own special toilet. Which brought to my mind, are they right next to each other, these toilets? Do they romantically sit side by side, dropping the kids off at the pool in unison, making mooney eyes and pontificating that magical moment together? I mean wtf? How hard is it to remember to leave the toilet seat down? I think hose monster needs to explain to us what these toilets might be saying to each other. Am I the only one that thinks his & hers toilets is bizarre and weird or am I just thoroughly behind the times and antiquated? I mean let’s make a special toilet for the fukn dog in the bathroom so everyone can defecate together in a family environment already, I mean, after all, togetherness, it brings us together.

Oh and by the way as far as I know, the shitting bandit at the gym has not been apprehended yet. I will keep you posted though, of that you can be sure.

That is not appropriate dialogue between me myself & I at this time. No no no. not even for a little junior high mentality beyatch trapped in the body of a 30 year old comic book geekazoid.

This guy has a pretty cool page and he’s a big time kool keith fan so you should definitely check him out. Plus he’s from Hawaii. Plus he’s, um, shaka khan’s grandson. Ok he’s not that, but everything else in that description is 100% true.

Well I feel happy now because I wrote a really amazing blog post in keeping with decades of tradition based on the old secret of letting your fingers keep tapping the keyboard and some crap or another will come out. And it did. And you’re reading it. not because you have to, but because you want to! Because I am good! I’m not a traffic whore, I do it all for the love of the game! I am pure unadulterated blogdom with no trials tribulations and or references to anything that a lot of people are discussin becuz, hey man, I ain’t no sellout, I’m the real deal holyfield and I’ve even got the half chewed ear to prove it. just ask clipper. He’s my friend’s dog.

And yes it’s a high traffic day and yes it’s because I’m a sellout traffic whore and yes that was me and not the monkeys jumping on the bed. And now my punishment shall be the comfy chair. Oh yes, the comfy chair and soft pillows will fuk my shit up, so be happy those that hate, for I am reaping the whirlwind of that which I hath wrought.

All right bachannalaian dancemasters, I gotta go scrounge up something to eat. But first I’m gonna try to find a picture of a comic book, because I think that would be really sophisticated.

UPDATE!!!: well readers, the old adage of "ask & thou shalt receive" has never been more fitting. Hose Monster has blessed us with a behind the scenes look at the dialogue Jessica & Nick's twin toilets might be having while their owners are away shooting videos, doing designer drugs, or whatever the hell it is famous people do. of course because it's blogspot the permalink's fucked up, so just click here and scroll down until you see a picture of a toilet. aloha!