dr. doooom's answering machine

I kinda like it when people put me on hold, cuz it’s like a free pass to kinda chill out and just wait, oh um, hold on, gotta take this call.

Tanked beers and talked smack with homey g from la oficia last night. Good times, but shizbot, ya na mean? Nah you don’t, and I ain’t gonna go into details, least not here. Suffice to say on a totally different arena that after like the 4th round, I knew we were good to go, and I was wondering if the girl would be like, “another round?” like she had up to that point but I think she was appropriate when she said “so are you guys good?” cuz we were, and, ya know, fuk, back in the day I woulda had round 5 & 6, but I’m like a responsible something or other now a days with like a mad crop in the field that needs tending.

Damn coffee fukn cleans the pipes like roto-rooter. Be right back, biznass before triznatts. Don’t ask me what triznatts is, it’s a rhyme thang, na? I don’t have to explain shit. hmmm, that explain first came out ezplain, I fixed it, but I’m thinking ezplain works too.

Some fukn old bat just called our super secret never used line and I answered “hello” and she said “hi this is louise from church, may I speak to your mom?”

Whuuuut the fuck, do I sound like fukn alfalfa or some shit, damn bitch, yeah, hold on, hold on a fukn minute, yeah fukn hold on a fukn minute goddammit, yeah fukn hold on, bitch.

Nah, it wasn’t like an anger thing, it was like a funny thing, like ha-ha, not weird, but it was a little weird too.

And I wonder why nobody reads this crap.

Well not Nobody, I mean, actually a lot of people come here lately looking for Tom Green & Jackyl and Kool Keith, so they probably look at it for like 2.5 seconds and then move on so I can mark that in my tally as another conquest on the good ol’ innernet.

I am SO fukn proud of myself I just might yuke. Yuke meaning barf meaning hurl meaning regurgitate meaning my new diet plan.

I used to have like this backbone thang on the motorbike whereby I could strap my travel coffee mug on there and thereby & whereby have my coffee at work and still be like this gruffy husky scary deathblack Diablo type biker dude terrorizing women & children, but somebody roun’ here took it off cuz they thought it looked dorky so I’ve been lately like chugging my coffee before I head out the door BUT due to aforementioned beers last night I rode with homey in his truck leaving the bike at the shop and whereby with total wherewithal Mrs. P gave me a ride to work this morning in the alf-mobile and thereby & whereby and with full knowledge of said events I was able to bring into work with full disclosure my Zofran travel mug full of Kona coffee with sugar, milk and mixed with love. Don’t ask me whut the fuk Zofran is, I’m not on it, but I wouldn’t be adverse to poppin one or two if you got some on you since I hear they’re some kind of happy pill or some shit. just kiddin’. I’m not down with Zofran. If Zofran were OJ I definitely would not be considered like a parralellogram to AC Cowlings or some shit like that or whatever the fuk his name was. I wouldn’t even be like in the range of Marcus Allen or the president of Dingo boots even, it wouldn’t be, um, like that.

Um, speaking of OJ & Dingo boots, hopefully Mr. Jim Treacher won’t mind if I jack the masterpiece you see below, which he created, well he didn’t draw it, it’s an old comic ad, which I remember very well, but he did put in those not so nice yet disturbingly funny words, and well, it just really really amuses me, and I like to share, so enjoy. Yo treach lemme know if I’m like violating or some shit, and I’ll take it down in a heartbeat. Peeeeaccceee.

Ok now that I’ve most likely completely lost even the last person that may have been still reading this I will put it to the death that it so richly deserves. Assalamalakum.