Posted 1:36 PM by Alfred

not that you ever read it, but this was a pretty good conversation that I had with myself. Did I say good? I meant shitty. Actually, no, I take that back, it was good, I am worth it, I’m good enuff, etcetera, now hopefully fox news won’t sue my ass.

Fox news is kind of a big pile of donkey shit I think. The local newscasts are kind of funny sometimes, how like, mellow yellow it is, in that, if they need to stretch for time at the end, you know, to get the timing right, they’ll start talking about fukn what movies they saw last weekend or like “oh, how’s auntie mame?” ok they don’t take it that far, but it’s like, ok let’s talk story, the people watching won’t mind, and I don’t, it’s amusing. I enjoy it actually. But part of me’s like, shit bitches, let’s move on, I’m missing out on fear factor or whatever the fuk is on next. Used to be seinfeld, but bastards moved around the schedule, I can catch the crew on TBS at lunch time sometimes now though, so I guess take a little give a little or something like that.

Um, yeah guy? Well one of my dope ass affiliates from the blurry days of nine seis through nine ocho is like moving back to the isles. Little does he know I can dunk now and, shit, I’m gonna be like teabagging him hanging from the rim, like “beyatch, check nuts!” nah, probably not. I like talking yang and backing it up, but don’t mind talking yang and flailing, hey comes with the territory.

Speaking of the blurry days, fuk, one time von-stroblerham had like this big ol bottle of fukn beam or some shit and was like “you and me are going to drink the rest of this bottle and then you’re gonna drive us to town & we’re going to the fukn wave.” The wave being like this rawkus fukn nightclub that’s open till 4 am, the place where all the freaks from the various other clubs that close at 2 all filter to after hours, like it’s dead at 12:30 and then at 2:30 it’s literally off the chain and at 3 the chain has been decapitated by this leper named father damian jr.

Hmmm, that didn’t seem in good taste.

Anyway, where was I? So I was like fuk that, and like hiding in my room and locking the door, but this fucker was demented off the sauce and like picking my cheap ass lock with like a fukn paperclip and kept coming in and bugging me and pushing booze down me until I finally relented but I was like “hell no” I am not driving, cuz shit, that ain’t right, so of course out of nowhere apparently my trusty sidekick Harvey the rabbit appears from outside on the lanai where apparently he had been smoking a clove and was like “time to party boys, I’ll drive.” Now I think he was kinda fukked up off those high grade opium laced carrots mixed with some tequila and rum, but fuk it, he’s an excellent driver, beyond the slow in the driveway variety so we all piled into my old hoopty wagon with the house speakers wired into the trunk (or was it the even more OG hoopty sedan with the jerry-rigged ignition switch hanging from the dashboard) hard to remember.

In any event, we fukn got to the wave and got stinking fukn drunk and I don’t even remember whut the fuk happened but it sounded like a good story to tell.

What the fuk was the point? Oh yeah, there was none.

Aloha.

Fuk that sounds like a stupid fukn hero story now that I look back on it, meaning I’ll have to elaborate further into like another spectrum just so this thing won’t look like I’m trying to make myself out to be some hunter s. Thompson wannabe with like 1 ninety-ninth of the writing ability and like 1 one thousandth the ballsack capacity. Speaking of heros my buddy merlinski who went to UCSB, I remember his freshman year he used to laugh about this guy who when he would go to the mess hall, afterward he would be like “dude, I ate five hamburgers at lunch today” like he had to be a hero about all the burgers he ate, and later that night, he’d be all drunk and like be like “dude I drank 16 beers,” and merlinski would be like shaking his head like “dude, you’re such a hero” and it would be like the guy would be all stoked not realizing what a fukn jackass he was.

Alright I guess this piece of shit’s ready to submit to the rhesus monkeys for editing. Peace.

---