Posted 3:09 PM by Alfred

Well I don’t really have jack shit to say but I’ve never let that stop me from opening my dumbfuck mouth so let’s get this bitch rolling.

I am now the official owner of a motorcycle. Yes I am badass. I’m gonna join the beat-up Honda owner’s group and get a grimey leather jacket with a fukn chain hanging off of it or some shit like that & go intimidate verbally & physically old women wandering out of their senior citizen homes looking for prescription drugs.

Sounds like a plan. I’ll have my assistant ralphie write up the proposal and take it before the board after my croquet game this afternoon.

The other thing I wanted to tell you is, um, fuk I just made that sentence up, there ain’t really shit that I “want” to tell you, per se, I mean there is shit that I “will” tell you, most of it blatant fucking lies, but as far as “wanting” well I wouldn’t call it that, even though I guess you don’t necessarily do anything that you don’t actually “want” to do, you know, in a strictly kierkegardian sense.

I don’t think that really had jack fuck to do with kierkegard, but I remember digging his shit in philosophy class in college so I thought I’d name drop and try to sound intelligent. Then I remembered I don’t really give a fuk if you think I’m intelligent or not. I think I’d really actually rather you think I’m a fukn retard and then maybe you’ll donate money to me or some shit like that, even though I don’t have like a conduit set up by which you can give me money, cuz I’m a lazy pile. How’s this, if you want to give me money, how about fuk me and just give it to treacher. Seriously. Or tony. Both of them are highly deserving. As far as me, I’m a wiley crafty devious nonsensical piece of donkey excrement that much more deserves your loathing and bitter words than any kind of monetary compensation.

You have GOT to read stereolabrat. Fu-king hilarious. I laughed out loud, and the only other person that can make me do that is chuck woolery after he drops 3 tabs of acid. It’s funny, you see, because he starts thinking that he’s wink martindale. So many people have confused the two over the years, that he’s got this complex, to the point where he won’t even say “two & two” anymore cuz he thinks he’s ripping of chuck woolery, which is of course himself, but he doesn’t see it like that, ya know, he thinks that him & wink martindale have switched bodies AND game shows. Now if you were to ask me what show wink martindale was ever on, I would just give you like this really handsome but really blank stare, and you would be thinking “damn this guy’s good looking, but shit, I don’t think a damn thing is going on upstairs, I mean, this guy is a fukn vegetable.” And hopefully you wouldn’t say it out loud, cuz I’m not a vegetable and you thinking that might hurt my feelings, and I can’t be responsible for repercussions of said event.

Also you should really read JEG cuz I don’t know why, but his words have a certain, uh, how do you say, proper pacing and even handed smoothness to them that give one the sense of having eaten a fine dinner of horses hoof stew with like this really avant garde elves or some shit like that. even if he’s talking about nothing in particular, ya know, it sounds good. Even though he does talk about stuff per se, not just random crap like me, or like, um, the different strokes crew (random) so anyway, yeah, check him out, it’s good stuff, I’m giving it an official plug, and if you want more reasoning behind it well you can kiss my lily white goddamm piece of shit show window at tiffany’s worthy ass.

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