Posted 2:40 PM by Alfred

Yo yo yo yo and a bottle a brass monkey, my compatriots in arms, or what have you whatever jokerville contingent dwellers!

In order to keep it “real” I posted something over at blogcritics, for the lofty cause of keen analytical insights accompanied with the fine art of hawking stuff.

Click here to check it out, but since I’m probably the coolest person ever to step foot on the planet, I cut & pasted it in this space as well for your reading pleasure. I would still go to blogcritics though, if I were you, because, well, it’s a sinister cabal, and shit, what else do you need?

Ok here goes:

I don’t know how well this fits the prototypical “blogcritics” format, but Eric keeps e-mailing me (yeah, just me dammitt, ok everyone, but um, are we not supposed to discuss this in our posts? Um, whatever) to post something, and well, I’m reading people magazine, and it is the latest one, so here we go with something I like to call:

Notes while reading people magazine, August 18th issue, (see that’s current as hell, hasn’t even happened yet, I am from the future, here we have toilets that flush without you having to touch them) you know, the one with j-lo and ben on the cover, affectionately and hilariously called by the clever writers at people “bennifer” hahaha, oh cripes, let me calm down for a minute, that was really funny.

Ok now I shall proceed.

I don’t really care for seeing mick jagger and Justin timberlake on stage together. I mean, that old guy is bringing down tim-dawg’s street cred big time. (page 8)

I didn’t know britney was a plumber! (page 10)

Why does tom cruise think he has to look like some stoned snow boarder, and furthermore, does he think that this will change my opinion of him as a closet homo? Film at 11 (page 14)

OK did I see this straight? Don’t, please do NOT, tell me that LL cool J is pulling a marky mark & demanding that we call him by his Christian name for purposes of his film career. James Todd Smith, starring in S.W.A.T.?? no. no please. You are LL cool J, ok? James Todd Smith might be able to get an underwear ad or two, but he ain’t running down a street with Colin Farrell without “I Need Love” and “radio”. Aight? Aight. (page 35)

I don’t even have anything funny or lighthearted to say about pictures of 10 year old kids shooting each other in Liberia. It’s pretty fucked up. (I think the eff-word is justified here. Editors: feel free to disagree.) It’s nice to know that it was worth going in & booting out Saddam, but this is cool, ya know, we’ll let the locals handle it, but seriously, the lack of oil on the premises has nothing to do with Dubya’s decision. No, really. (page 53)

I’m not even gonna mention the J-lo story. (oops, too late) except to say: media, ahem, um, get a fukn life already. Ben ain’t even married yet, they’re gonna be history in a year and a half anyway, get over it puhleeze. Merci. (page 60)

Ok so let me get this straight, one of saddam hussein’s daughters was married to a guy named Hussein Kamel Hassan (who ran Iraq’s weapon’s program) and the other one was married to Saddam Kamel Hassan (head of the secret police). Um, was this just a coincidence, or did they change their names to form a duo that equaled “Saddam Hussein” or did Saddam just search all over the country for two guys with the same middle & last name that happened to each have one part of his name? Is this something that everyone else besides me understands? And if they changed their names, why? I mean, ok, years of power and influence, but you gotta know you’re gonna fuck up eventually and get mowed down by some uzis, buried in an unmarked grave, and mentioned in people magazine years later while your ex-wives say what a great guy their dad (the guy that ordered your death) was. (page 69)

I’m over it. fuck people magazine.

Um, I mean, people magazine is a fantastic publication! (seriously though, you know you love it, even up to the moment you toss it in the garbage bin in disgust, as you quietly ponder to yourself what will be in the next gossip packed issue - it's like the national enquirer you don't have to feel guilty about) And you should buy all the other items listed below as well. on orders from Grandma Moses. disobey and sever paddling shall be administered.

See? Now you must go to blogcritics to satisfy the sudden urge to buy stuff related to what I’m talking about! If you don’t, it’s like, you’ll feel, empty inside. C’mon people, we’re talking gross national product stimulation here! Put those tax dollars that bush is giving back to you in action, prove that funny little fella right that tax cuts during a recession is sound business practice! I mean it makes so much sense it can’t be wrong, right?

Right.

This is the part where I say aloha.

Aloha.

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