Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Dear bill Callahan,

How to save the season, by Alfred lord pennyhole

A documentation in 72 segments, in no particular order.

Bench gannon.

Bench the cannon, throw tuiasasopo out there. Ya know, mobile, fast kid outta u-dub, island roots, kid can throw, run, juke out the okefenokes and kick this shit in gear.

Cuz gannon ain’t doin the fukn job right now, son.

He’s sucking it up harder than anybody.

Well maybe except for your play calling.

Hello, my name is jurk storr, son of george costanza.

Oh and fuck Denver. Fuck Denver hard, fuck Denver deep, fuk Denver up the ass if necessary to incur maximum carnage on that piece of shit.

Um, let’s see, oh, and um, oh yeah, bench gannon. Think about it, mmkay? Serially. If you bench gannon, you’ll fire him up. I’m not saying throw the reigning mvp out on his ass like yesterday’s bath water, serially, I’m not saying that. It’s a ploy, a ruse, ya dig? Get’s everyone on an even keel again a nice fukn even and easy keel, ready to cause ultimate destruction.

So let me thinkeroo there was something else in that thought pattern. Ah yes, benching gannon will allow you two things, make marquez tuiasasopo a much better player by giving him crunch ass shit to regulate on and you will have the added bonus of fukn gannon going off & getting all pissed off. Remember how fukn bad ASS the rest of the 95 season steve young played after sherkensheiser or whatever that coach’s name was benched his ASS? Fuk he went off and the niners won the superbowl against the piece of shit chargers and fukn runnin’ ricky waters, all that jazz, shit I was in Berkeley dawg I remember that shit so don’t try to propogate on that that’s like playa hata shit. serially.

Fuk where the fuck was I? Ohh yess. Bench gannon’s sorry fucking ass. Jesus Christ he sucked donkey dicks last night, and maybe even clown dicks, who the fuck knows. His fucking liberal amount of sucking so much overgrown mutated ASS out there on that invesco fuckheadville house of whatever the fuck it is but seriously.

Anyway, fukn bench gannon & save the season. That’s my reccomendation. Serially.

Watch the 2nd stringer win the next game, and then 1st quarter of the game after, the kid'll be all fucking up like crazy, throwing eye enn tee's, just making a grand ol mess o things out there, and that's when youll walk over to gannon & go, cannon, serially, it’s time to go off. I know you’re pissed and I know it seems like not everything is going for you at this juncture, and i know you hate my fucking guts right now so bad you wanna stab me with your salad fork, but now’s the time to just take that plunge and understand that it’s not the end of the line, you’re gannon the mutherfucking cannon and if ANYbody tries to stomp out your shit, then fuck them with like 82 bastard swords held up by captain caveman about 20,002 leagues under the fukn sea’s filthy ass. now get out there and show the goddamm fukn world that you are the starting quarterback, you, Richard Ecuador Gannon, are the official badass mofo of this league and universe. goddammitt.

Seriously, ponder it, know it, be it, understand and comprehend that benching gannon’s sorry ass 2 weeks prior will have been the best thing that you ever did in your whole life, proven in the moment when your rejuvenated mvp ricardo gannon goes out and goes insane in and out of his membrane, shredding the defense for 583 yards passing, blowout city, raiders back to being the vicious silver and black floating champion of darth vader conquering type shit. the fukn boat of bad ass ness will stomp and thrash and burn and pillage and etcetera all up and down the goddamm piece of shit lane.

plus you'll have the added bonus of having given tuiasasopo some real game time with the big boys, ya know, he's got that mufuckin eye of the tiger shit going on for if gannon's old ass ever goes down in battle, which could be, like, tomorrow. plus jerry rice is sick of that pasty faced bastard throwing balls his way. ok kidding on that part. that's not cool. i take it back, but unedited. well, edited heavily, but not in postproduction.

Oh and if fuckn al davis tries to cock block you on this shit, seriously, just fuck him. better yet, just tell him, yah ok al, and then down on the field just fukn at the last minute tell gannon he ain’t starting. YEAH! That way he’ll of an onfield meltdown of epic proportions and just rage all along the sidelines like a lunatic in jackal heat. fukn throw tui into the fray and see what happens and if al davis that ancient decrepit pile of shit wants to start some fukn debatable kine horseshit then let him come down to the field and make a goddamm scene.

Yeah do it like that. Fuck Denver.


The jurk storr

UPDATE: ok i just fiddled with this goddamm post one more time. now i'm done. promise.

now it's official. long beach.

UPDATE part deux: jesus why the fuck can't i learn and not fukn edit shit. actually why can't i just fukn write clearly and not like a fukn rhesus monkey's bastard stepchild's pogo stick instruction manual.

ok that's it, seriously. jurk storr.

yeah hi, back again: yeah i just fucked around with it some more and added a bunch of horseshit, yeah i know, i'm an annoying and self important prick for even explaining it, as ever, may i refer you my custom built complait line aka 976-PHUK. aloha. jurk storr.