Posted 12:23 PM by Alfred

I don’t even know where to begin. Not that there’s like all this crap to write about, I mean, totally the opposite, there ain’t shit to say, there ain’t nada to impart, there ain’t zero my hero to convey to thou, the contingent.

But that is a bold-faced lie. Utter bullshit. I mean, don’t let a used car salesman sell you a horse and carriage with like gold lacing but on second glance it’s a fukn jackass and a wheel barrow. don’t be that guy, that girl, that entity. Don’t. I plead with thou.

Blah dee blah dee blah. Oy vey, the pressure to entertain thee the personages that doth enter these gates of stately wayne manor’s back shed. Why do they call it taking out to the wood shed when you get your ass beat? Oh yeah because in the old days when you were gonna get the beatdown from pops he’d take you out to the shed for a whuppin.

Was I the only one that was scared when, on “little house on the prairie” Pa would tell albert it was time for a whuppin, and they had to go out to the shed? I mean, was he using like a horsewhip on his ass? That’s what I assumed. I remember this one episode where Albert and this other kid, I think the son of that really hairy bummish-looking guy that was Charles’ friend, got in trouble for like, fuck I don’t even know, and the hairy fucker told his kid it was time to go out to the shed for a serious whuppin, but then was like, ya know, it’s ok, ferget it. And at the same time, other side of the prairie, Charles was like, albert you are getting your ass whupped too, and then he changed his mind, like, nah it’s cool, no ass wuppin tonite, kid. But then albert, idiot that he was, was like, no, Pa, let’s go out there. Like albert was concerned that he needed that ass-whuppin. He was like monitoring his own punishment. Hmmm, actually maybe it was the other kid. Whoever the fuck it was, were they like masochistic or just insanely noble?

Jesus who gives a flying fuck?

Speaking of jesus, when I was at the gym last night some dumbass had left all these religious comic pamphlets all over the place. You know the ones, where like they tell you that eating the holy host (the bread) at church will send you straight to hell, cuz like the ancient Babylonians set the precedent, by convincing people to eat it telling them that without it they couldn’t be “saved”. Was that a sentence? Bill gates is not telling me it wasn’t, and the rhesus monkeys aren’t screaming, so I’ll assume the positive. The comic's point, though, was the the bread in church is like a leash to the false symbols of God. The comic had this picture of like this guy eating the bread at church and this little demon lived on that little piece of bread and was like grabbing his face as he ate it. that freaked me out. It also made me a little hungry, but I resisted, as it was like 11:30 at night and eating that late is not good for the estomago.

The other jesus comic was about how if you pray to the virgin mary you’re going to hell. I was starting to sense a trend. It had like these pictures of mary all freaking out because people are worshipping her, and like quotes from the bible about how you shouldn’t worship idols and then it showed the pope with this big stick with a gold astro-medallion on it like sneering at the crowd and they were like implying that the catholic church and the pope are sending people to hell by having them pray to the virgin mary, the point being that you are only supposed to pray to God.

I think this is a total boatload of bullshit. If you want to pray to the virgin mary, go for it, I say. If you want to pray to bob fucking big boy I say go for it too. Shit, as long as you live a good life and don’t like stab people in their neck while walking down 5th avenue, everything should be copacetic. I just can’t imagine God up there with a little scorecard all “oh shit, that guy ate that bread, well fuck him, he’s going to hell,” or “oh that broad just said a prayer to saint mark, well she is going to burn forever in the fires of Beelzebub, I mean damn, she should know you only pray to me and my son,” or like “well, that guy did just pull 85 people out of that burning building, but then he said thank you virgin mary for protecting me, and well, that ain’t cool, notch another one for the red feller.” Geez, I mean, gimme a break.

If God is that picky about exactly how you pray and think about religion and less concerned with the way you actually live your life, if he (or she, yes, God could be a girlie) is so particular about whether you envision jesus or the holy ghost or whether you look at a statue of the virgin or whether you light this candle or drink this wine or what church you go to, to the point that it will decide your fate in the afterlife, irregardless of the way you treated other people, animals, and the planet that you live on, well then sign me up for hell, cuz I can’t handle all those little rules and I could use a tan anyway.

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