dr. doooom's answering machine

I’ve got some breaking news for you folks. If we don’t start regulating on these goddamm loggers, fukn we ain’t gonna have any more orangutans in like 10-20 years.

That would suck. Fuck these loggers, I mean shit, can’t you get wood from the jurk storr or some shit like that? Serially though, fuck, don’t hurt our brothers from a hairier mother, that’s fucked up.

I remember one time in elementary school, maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, we were studying animal extinction, and like the duck-billed platypus, and shit, and the teacher was like “ok students, why is it important to make sure that animals don’t become extinct?” and the whole class started coming up with reasons, like, shit I don’t even know, because in case the jurk storr calls we don’t wanna have to tell them we ran out of something. What did we say anyway? Um, I don’t even know, like, because they put in work on the ecosystem or utilization of some other fancy words we had no idea of what they meant. Anyway, the teacher was like “no, no, no, wrong, you suck, no, no.”

And then she finally explained to us, after our little useless brains had run out of half-baked ideas, the simplicity of it all. It was a trick fucking question. We don’t want animals to go extinct just because it would suck if they were gone. Basically, the whole idea of once they’re gone, they’re gone, and it’s as simple as that, you’ve lost something that can never be regained, unless you bring in fukn professor buttcracker and his like moreau island or whatever, and that’s, um, unlikely.

So there was a point buried somewhere deep in all that bullshit, but I lost track of it and, unlike extinct animals, I don’t see it as important enough to recover. If you gained something from it, feel free to buy me a Popsicle at your friendly neighborhood wal-mart. Mail it to my secret drop box at 976 Phuk Street, Honolulu, HI 96969. aloha.

I like orangutans, even though I think it should be spelled orangutang. I mean, doesn’t everyone say it that way? Don’t you want to say it like that? I mean, they hang on stuff, right? So like, orangutang, like they hang on shit like slang and bang and flang. Ok flang ain’t a word.

Oh and PS fuck Kelsey Grammer. Fuck that guy straight to hell. Gawd I saw him on Conan O’Brien and did you know that he is like Mr. Anal Retentive when it comes to using words correctly and pronouncing them correctly? Even ones that have come into the common vernacular and have been used the wrong way for, like, eons. Get the fuck over it bitch. Shit. I’m trying to think of an example. Oh yeah. Succinct. Ok, everyone says it “sussinct” right? But this piece of elephant excrement went on this little tirade about how you shoud say it “suck-sinct” like “suck-sess” and blah blah blah. Fuck you tired old fuck, don’t you have anything better to care about? Even conan was like “ok dude, you must be a barrel of laughs at the Christmas party.” what a piece of shite. Yes, pronounced “SHITE” not the proper “shit”. fuck you kelsey grammer, you pathetic drunk.

Hmmm. Maybe that was a little excessive. Oh well, carlton doesn’t let me edit this shit anyway, which makes me understand that the responsibility for any issues that any section of the contingent may have with any portion of the words or ideas expressed herein must lie solely on the shoulders of the rhesus monkeys. They edit this shit, and 99.9% of the time I KNOW they don’t even read it. so fuck them. But not to the point that they become extinct. Because that’s not good, don’t ask why, it’s just not. Actually, the more fucking they do, the less odds they have of being extinct, so actually, yeah fuck them. Well actually, you shouldn’t fuck them, cuz I believe that that will not procreate the species, per se, unless there’s some kind of half monkey half man special gene splicing technique I’m not aware of, but I doubt it, so actually, if you’re a rhesus monkey particularly, fuck them. Yes.

And if you’re an orangutan, consider getting it on tonite, as well. Preferably with another orangutan. You’d be doing the planet and yourself a favor. One of those win-win dillios. Mahalo.