Thursday, September 25, 2003

So ya know, it really pains me.

It pains me to think there are those who would question my raiderness.

I’ve thought long and hard about my bench gannon proposal. I’m holding onto the basic tenet but would like to recommend a change in execution.

Don’t bench gannon.

Pull gannon. In the next game, if he starts fucking up, pull him halfway the 2nd quarter, and throw tui in there. It is not a betrayal of an mvp, it is a salvation for the young season. Pull him and throw in the young islander. Make it happen, management. I’m challenging you on this one too Al Davis, don’t think I don’t see you back there snickering.

Gannon will seethe. Gannon will shiver with anomorphized agony and pain of having to remember his horrible performances and maybe his inevitable drop-kick into the nearest passing dumptruck, but it will come to be. This is only a test, this only, no it’s not a test, it’s an adjustment. An adjustment of your tenets previously held about your position, and your cavalier (ok too strong) your well-earned yet possibly dangerous proneness for overextended confidence.

Basically it will set you back at zero. Not zero skill or passion or appreciation or contemplation, but simply it will make you reevaluate. You are being way too hard on yourself Rich Gannon. Don’t think about how you’ve fucked up since that Super Bowl. Don’t consider it any more. Don’t remember basically fucking up every game this season and playing like a big pile of donkey shit.

Shake that shit off now. That’s what you will be when the reigns are surremptitiously snatched from your hands by a coach you will gain inestimable respect for due to the decision that you hate the most. Yeah you Callahan. Grow some balls, get this shit done.

There would be some aka aquaman aka my most important raider fan compatriot is episodic of all that is ever pure hatred and despisal of bronco and or Denver and or fucking horselike entities in any way shape or form. With aquaman I have derived inestimable damage on my liver in ways shapes and form that may have to come with an FDA approved label for fukn aka styles or whatevs.

I mean I was trippin balls the night of this guy’s wedding fukn stumbling like a fukn deranged fucktard (copyright muscle68) with his twin brother and trippin out on statues and fukn conversin with all the various scavengers of the night like some kind of undead yet fully living convolution of amazing times of victorious standards, or some shit like that.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah the raiders, aquaman, you must understand that gannon is fucking up. Would you want your own son to keep running into a wall chasing a bumblebee’s bread basket, if you knew that pulling him from the action and putting little Johnny stewart in there for a little while to bat cleanup, but then you gave him another chance cuz you knew shit was copacetic and he had it in him to be basically the greatest ever.

Why do I know this will work? I know it in my heart and I know it from an analytical brain that has tackled all the angles and percolated all the cake and can seriously say that it is so. Also I cite my prime example of how this will work with the 1995 San Francisco 49ers. They started off a little slow in the season and like week 4 or something George Seifert pulled Steve Young out of a game where he was sucking hard, and threw in the backup. Young fucking went off, screaming right at the coach, yelling and kicking shit over and having a shitfit. And they fucking had it out and it was done and then next week young went in and tore the league a new fucking asshole. When the playoffs started that year you KNEW they were going to win the superbowl. And they did. And the real test wasn’t the chargers in the superbowl, it was the fukn cowboys. But back on topic, oh wait, that was the topic, anyway, it’s all about the fucking raiders. The raiders are, fuck, the raiders, brah, they fukn crush up shit, na mean? Oh now back to Rich Gannon.

Richard Gannon. You do have that potential. That Schwartz. You can be great, you most likely will be great again. Fuck, of course you’re gonna be great again, you’re gannon the fucking cannon. But you must relax. You must understand that you don’t have to carry that burden, that weighted albatross around your neck. Shake it off cuz. Serially. Reset at zero. Fuck it all. Watch tui throw some balls and help him out, be the fucking man you know you are, and then when callapussy throws you back in there wreak fucking havoc like I know you can, you can destroy the league, you can be MVP for every season left in your career, don’t let the haters get the better, myself included. Fuck me! Yeah you SHOULD hate me. But you’ll only be stoked on me later because you’ll know I got the best out of you.

Now go take on the day.

And fuck doctor laura.