dr. doooom's answering machine

Well I thought I’d wander over here & spit at you kind folks for a minute. Not spit as in gather up saliva in my mouth and hurl it in your direction but spit as in the counterculture’s terminology for verbally emitting various phrases. Yah like that.

Ohh weeh. Is it me or are these screwdrivers getting a little stronger as the night goes on? Well, hmmm, I’m the bartender so I guess that question is for me to answer, but you know me, (actually you don’t), and I always like to keep myself guessing. Seems I’m a total fucking asshole like that.

So yeah the cal bears kicked USC’s sorry bitch ass all over strawberry canyon. Gyeah. Actually it was a really close game, but don’t let Oski hear that, he’ll tear your hamburger straight out your stomach. Ferreal. Jesus I remember one time we drove down to LA for the Cal-SC game and the Trojan’s kicked some serious golden bear ass that day and we had to sit there and watch that fuckbag (buckbean? Whut the fuck Bill gates, what the motherFUCK is a buckbean? Seriously, folks, when I write fuckbag Bill Gates turns it into buckbean. Seriously though what in all the names that are holy is a muthafuckin buckbean? Bill Gates you pathetic piece of donkey shit. Take a fukn swan dive off the lanai of your billion dollar house on lake Washington and take a deep breath of tuna turds. Aloha) ride around the damn stadium on his piece of shit horse waving his sword around like a total piece of shit and I remember I didn’t like it. Not one bit.

So that’s another reason besides the obvious that it’s nice to see Cal beat USC. That and USC being #3 in the country. And the fact that I hate USC. Even though my Dad went there. But he doesn’t really give a shit about football, honestly, the Trojans could be playing in the rose bowl on new years day and I’ll be like “hey dad, so you think SC’s gonna do it today?” and he’ll be like “whut? Are they playing?” serially. Serially, serially serially. That is part of the reason why I wasn’t even much of a sports fan until I went to college and my homeboy got me all in to going to Cal games and watching them kick arse and ya dig Mike Pawlaski or whatever his name was was their QB and they went to the Citrus bowl and beat Clemson’s ass, so um, that was a good initiation and like vestibulary for become a serious whatever the hell I am.

So yeah so the jurk storr is on their way over here to tell me how much this post sucks ass but I have this weird feeling that I will tell them that the ocean called and they’re all out of shrimp.

So yeah so I got a tuneup on my motorcycle today and a new back tire so like if you don’t watch out I might show up at your grandma’s house and set the front lawn on fire, cuz you know all dudes that ride are like dangerous, like Michael Jackson style, like, seriously, you’ll be hurting.

I just made water for Wacko. Wacko, as you know, if you pay any attention, and shame on you if you don’t, is our goldfish, and jesus age christ, he is a genius I think. The reason in my fair opinion, that he has lived all this time is that he eats all the food you give him, even if it falls to the bottom, and that my friends, is muthafuckin gangsta.

When I say I made water for Wacko it means that I put water in a jar and put like a drop of this chemical shit in there and I gotta wait like an hour and then switch him to that water and then clean his bowl and then pour him and the water back in that bowl and then he’s really happy cuz he has clean water. It’s basically a win-win situation for all parties involved.

I don’t think I told you that we have an avacado tree in our back yard. How the hell do you spell avocado anyway? Oh that’s how you do it. See sometimes bill gates can be helpful. If it’s not underlined you know you did it right. Thanks bill, I take back that whole jump off your balcony thing. Thanks for like monopolizing all of computerology and basically raping us all out of our hard earned duckets.

Go raiders.