dr. doooom's answering machine

Why is the best stuff on mutherfucking television on just as I have to leave to come into this godforsaken office?

I mean, like, yesterday during lunch, I’m packing up for the trek back and my fave episode of Mr. Ed comes on, the one where Mr. Ed mounts this black striped fillie from behind and humps her ass all over this race track and they thrash and grind and smash up the fucking stands and then the US marshals fukn storm the stadium and have to take out the fillie with a fukn battalion of uzis, and Mr. Ed is like “no, you bastards! Wilbur! Wilbur! Let’s kill these motherfuckers!” and then that big ol fucking talking horse like goes totally apeshit, like still with this big ol horse boner, waving around wackin people across the head, ya dig, cuz he didn’t get his splooge on yet, which is making him even more pissed, in addition to his true love being mowed down in a hail of bullets.

But then I had to leave, and FUCK I can’t remember how that fucking episode ended. I know it wasn’t the last one, so they didn’t kill Mr. Ed. I’m pretty sure he was captured by the Feds and held for testing by the CIA but then I think Wilbur busted him out of there and they moved to Cuba for a couple years where he was Fidel Castro’s personal transportation and confidante for a number of years. I could be wrong on this one.

But the actual thing on TV that was so badass this morning was this NFL Films thing, you know, with Steve Sabol, and it was like a modern update of this “Aututmn Ritual” film, which was like an analysis of football in pop culture from the perspectives of all these wacky and diverse public figures. Such random ass mofos as G. Gordon Liddy (Watergate burglar and dogshit radio host), Allen Ginsberg (gay beat poet and buddy of Jack Kerouac), and um, a bunch of other people I can’t remember. But for the modern update they revealed that like Ginsberg, when asked what he liked about football, was saying how he loved watching those sweaty mens running up and down the field, and that he had had football players as lovers, and they were much more sensitive then people imagined.

How fucking gangster is that? Fukn Allen Ginsberg was muthafucking gangster I’m telling you. how’s being a homo in like the 70’s and talking about how you engaged in illicit back alley sally action with NFL heavyweights?? And the guy had no fear, just saying it matter of factly. Gang-sta. Balls of fucking steel, which I’m sure Mean Joe Green remembers fondly.

Ok I’m not saying mean joe green buttrammed allen ginsberg, but you never know. I do know that if mean joe green walked in right now and caught me writing this, I’d offer him a coke and a smile and probably get my spleen shoved down my throat with a side of esophagus.

So yeah, and they went and hung out with snoop dogg too. And you know the dizzle's a hardcore raider fan. So that’s when I had to leave, with snoop all rappin about fukn football and shit with tha crizew. how fukn raw is that? Gotta get up and go to work when the doggfather’s talking yang about the fukn pigskin. Shit. oh & they were gonna go hit up Hunter S. Thompson too! Fukn nfl Films kicking it with the king of gonzo and I’m sittin’ here countin skunks and filing waivers for proper disposal of poison olfactory gases, some of which are not recognized by the department of environmental services. Sometimes there is just no fucking justice. Oh well. Shalom.

I must really hate myself because I went to drop a load and was reading this old ass sports illustrated, the issue right after the raiders lost the super bowl, like reliving the nightmare, and one quote stood out, something about the battle between the Bucs & Raiders being so one-sided it was like Star Jones against a Junior mint.

Fuck you Jon Gruden, and a belated congratulations.

Bench Gannon.

Aloha.