Posted 11:01 AM by Alfred

Today I’m gonna write some really important shit that’s gonna hit you right where it counts, your heart your soul your ass your medulla oblongata, all that shit none of that shit. it’s gonna seep in so far and so deep you’ll be like thinkin “damn that beyatch I saw on the internet really had some like intensely pejorative type shit in his mellon and how kind of it was it of him (if he’s really a guy) to pass it on to me in such a disciplinary yet tender manner?”

That will be so in the forefront of your thought process that you won’t notice when I sneak in your backdoor and raid your pantry. Your peter pan peanut butter, your smuckers, your fucking saltines, your goddamm minute maid, your bitch ass yoo-hoo, stockaded up like ragnarok is right around the corner, every last bit of it will be in the trunk of my car and I’ll be fukn peelin out of your driveway and like three days later you’ll see me on the side of the road in some back country backwater selling all your shit and makin bookoo cash money.

And ain’t shit you can do except get physically violent, and that will only make me the winner in a metaphysical sense, so resistance is futile if you really think about it, which of course I’d rather you didn’t, it makes it easier for everyone involved, myself included, but shit we can do this the hard way the easy way or the sloppy way and don’t think that the three are necessarily mutually exclusive or non invasive not saying they are not saying they ain’t.

I was hanging out with this guy named OG Ratbone the other day, and despite his name, he’s really not as hardcore as you’d think, but that’s not really the point of the story, not that it has a point, but even if it did I prolly wouldn’t get a chance to get to it with all these kids asking me all these questions but let me get back to what I was saying. Ratbone said something that I’ve been pondering atlantis style for basically every nanosecond since he originally uttered it. this is what he told me.

“Keith,” he said, keith not being my name necessarily and it not necessarily being not but that’s what he calls me so stay with me don’t get sidetracked, “Keith, I’m not sure, even at this advanced stage in my life, about whether I care not to know or know not to care, but it’s definitely one or the other.”

Then he took a slow drag off his cigarette and stared off into space, possibly nestling into his squirrel persona, possibly remembering the days when his wife was still alive and deeply in love with him and their three little wiener dogs.

And I thought, it’s nice to at least know that you’re one thing or the other, rather than one or a thousand out of 8 billion, ideas and rationales of thinking that is, cuz I often don’t even know what I wanna eat for breakfast be it bread, fish, taco bell, or potato salad on some (most) days and if I could just whittle it down to like two options the cool thing is I’d be able to eenie meenie miney moe that shit and move on with my day with a certain sense of peace and nonchalance.

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