Posted 12:15 PM by Alfred

Should I say obvious shit like it’s the end of 2003? Nah that would be, like, the ultimate cliché. Well, actually, I don’t think that’s necessarily a cliché, but it would make me look, um, typical, and I just can’t have that. this must be the place where you go to read the shit you can’t get nowhere else (yeah, double negative, don’t analyze it) and for that I am required to not wish you a happy new year.

But fuck it, have a happy new year anyway. I’ll risk ghetto pass revokal in this one instance as I think it’s important to impart to you this vital message of, fuck, I don’t know what you’d call it.

What the fuck is a happy new year anyway? What’s really changed besides the last number on the bullshit assignation we’ve designated for the next 365 days, anyway? And don’t come back to me saying it’s like leap year or some shit, cuz I don’t even want to hear it, that’s just a myth set up to scare little children, ya know, like razor blades in candy and shit like that.

Ah the beauty of the holiday slowdown. And yes I’ve mentioned it already. But I didn’t mention its beauty, did I? Hell no, asshole, see, I got you on that one. There, now you owe me 5 dollars. Why? Cuz I said so. Who the fuck am I, gotta explain myself and shit. you’re in the wrong place if you’re looking for explanations, mofo. I raise questions, fuck answering them. That’s for the cattle cradlers and the backscratching adjective jackers.

What the fuck is an adjective jacker? Ok, just this once I’ll accommodate your pathetic request for elaboration. What’s that? you didn’t ask for it? Jesus Christ, you really want to complicate this, now don’t you? anyway, an adjective jacker is anyone that steals an adjective that would better describe you and then uses it to describe themselves. Like this mofo the other day who told me “man, I am so pimp.” Now, shit, everyone knows that I am so pimp, so, fuck, I mean, was he disrespecting me?

I was this close to skullfucking his cat, but I decided to let it go in honor of the baby new year hanging out right outside the gate, even though I don’t believe in him. I don’t believe in Santa either, but I still leave milk & cookies out for him every Xmas. Cuz I’m cool like that. Now, you may be thinking, “shit, I’m cool, that’s some serious adjective jacking that keith is pulling on me.” Mofo, it doesn’t count if it’s in writing, only the spoken word. That’s why it’s such a difficult crime to prosecute, what with you having to record it, and even then, shit, the way stuff can be faked with modern technology, good luck convincing a judge that you didn’t just dub the voice of like a bum off the street and then just use audio software to like twist the voice around. Oh and it doesn’t count if someone says it on tv or the radio, cuz that’s like public domain.

I was gonna erase those last two paragraphs, but Carlton wouldn’t let me. I’m thinking about suing him, but I’ve made up enough bullshit for one morning. Aloha.

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