dr. doooom's answering machine

Could someone pleeeeze let me know if the jurk storr calls, cuz I’m expecting like the most important message of the 21st century.

But seriously folks, you’ve been great, and for my last number, I’d like to do a simplified yet updated version of general patton’s speech at little big horn in 1872, the funny thing being that few if any people know he was actually there cuz he like did a time displacement jump with that guy from quantum leap.

That guy’s hair always bothered me. And the way he came on Murphy brown and thought he was so cool. I mean, we’re talking Murphy brown here, she’s like the fake babwa wawa, you gotta rep the lbc a little harder than that if you’re gonna get your playa’s card. Chuuuch.

I’m thinking that new dmx movie looks kinda interesting. Saw taking lives with collagina jolie this weekend, and you’ll never guess the surprise ending!!!! Hold on to your oops I crapped my pants diapers cuz when you see that doowhop hit the wizbang it’s like ooh-whee. Ok maybe not so much. It was aiight though, actually good in a not so bad way. I also wanna see that jim carrey drug movie where like he wakes up in snow banks with Kirsten dunst. Fukn Kirsten dunst seems like she’s on serious drugs, I mean, at that whatever awards show, mtv, she was like all scattered.

Dang and a skibble, though, if spidey part deux doesn’t look dooooooope. Like, super dope. Lots a folks think they shoulda busted venom out for this one, but fuck that. green goblin then doc ock is just about perfectamundo, even if your name isn’t JJ.

Fuck, who the fuck am I, fukn gene siskel? I mean I don’t even have scrotum cancer or whatever the fuck he died of. Ok, that wasn’t nice, don’t speak ill etcetera, but, fuck, just cuz he’s dead means I can’t give him a little ribbing? That doesn’t seem fair on either end of the astromedallion spectrum.

So I was watching the first couple innings of that yankee game in japan last night. Being in Hawaii, it actually started around midnight for me. The fact that that makes me infinitely better than you is besides the point. Not that there is one, but, fuck, fuck the Yankees. Nah, not fuck em, but, eh, whatever. The announcers kept jizzing their pants about what a “traveling all-star team” they are, and how “there’s never been a line-up like this before” and how “oh, peter gammons, come over here and slurp my johnson under the microphone stand,” I mean, it was almost that much of a jerkoffosphere moment.

And does peter gammons have to fucking know EVERYTHING about fucking baseball? Fuck, be wrong every once in a while you arrogant fuck. and jeez, do you and conan o’brien hang out at the same barbershop or whut? Oh, snap. Oh and is it me or is alex Rodriguez like 80 times the pretty boy he was already now just cuz he’s mr. yankee? Jeez what a fucktard. “hi I’m sacrificing so much to play 3rd base and help the team and BLAH BLAH BLAH, fuck you.” end quote.

Speaking of conan, he was really funny last nite, even though it was a rerun. He was like jumping around and doing his little shenanigans with the band, and, oh me oh my oh it was muy precioso. And that guy from that 70’s show was on. He seems like a dork but in a good way, like a guy that you could hang out with and he wouldn’t be all “I’m a big star, now kiss my pinkie ring” not like that ashton kutcher demi bangin mofo. You know who I mean, mr. topher, the main guy, “dumbass”. Oohh, carlton, I’ll get you for not letting me edit this part out. Daredevil may have only killed you in an alternate universe, but trust me, when I get out from under the legal entanglements of this contract, your ass is grass. Long beach.

PS: much props, respect, and thanks to sam ruby dot com for theoretically allowing me to post the above spidey cover despite the fact I never asked Sam Ruby, if in fact he is a real person, for the permission. I’m kind of known for doing shit like that. If you’re any kind of spidey fan, you owe it to yourself to check this site out, super bad ass to the bone with a shitload of info and high quality scans of just about every fucking comic spider-man ever squirted a web in. hmmm, that sounded vaguely weird. Oh well.