Posted 2:14 PM by Alfred

Sometimes you do something that just maybe isn’t the best idea in the world. Like, say, oh I don’t know, getting a face tattoo a few days before your heavy-weight boxing match. But I mean, who am I to judge, I’ve never had a tattoo, maybe a nice pounding is just what it needs to heal properly and make your face feel nice & tingly.

When I look back I guess there are probably a few things I’ve done that might be viewed as questionable. One time in high school I attempted to adjust my sideburns and a half hour later had cut little grooves halfway up the side of my head trying to make them even. That was not advisable. Oh and drinking 13 glasses in a row of champagne on captain’s night of senior cruise might not have been the #1 call. (but they were free & I was drinking underage legally, you know, what options are there in such a situation?). As for my college years, let me ponder, waiting to buy my scientific calculator until the morning of my finance midterm was probably not something that the dental board would have recommended. Also when the stomach called up in the middle of the night with news of a sudden evacuation of all contents, maybe leaning out the 8th story window was not what Oprah would have done.

I’d do it all over again, though. Even living in the dumpster off of Telegraph for two weeks, because you know what? The rent savings allowed me to score extra cheese on my pizza for like 6 months, and long beach cannot overstate the value of that.

And now for something completely different, my views on the coming war with Iraq. I mean, yeah great, let’s go bomb Saddam, but um, aren’t those North Koreans a little more dangerous at this juncture? Oh, no, they're no problem, no worries. Oh really? Um well they’re saying if we fuck with them, um, no really, chill dude, they’re cool. Yes, Mr. Bush, um we understand shite, and don’t try to tell us a fukn pitbull is no problem but we really have to go kill that weiner-dog, it’s dangerous, oohh yes, and by the way, the weiner dog also just HAPPENS to have a shitload of yummy oil for our SUV’s which we drive all by ourselves everywhere, but really, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. Seriously. That weiner-dog is a major threat in and of itself. And the pit-bull. Oh he’s just feisty, ha ha, that little feisty feller.

On the other hand and foot there is the point that we already conquered these shitbags and they're supposed to toe the line. What kind of imperial dominators would we be if we let Iraq play with toys that we said no about before. "Now Saddam, I told you, don't make me give you a time-out." Seriously, why did we go to war before again? I remember being in high school, thinking ok great we're going to fuckin war, here it is 1991 and it's war time, oh well let's go kick ass and get this psycho out of there and it'll be all good. But we didn't finish the job did we. Yes I know this is obvious. So fuck off. This is why we should go bomb their asses, because we can't let them think we're a bunch of french pussies. nothing against the french, crepes are damn good on a tuesday. So ok so the reason we're going to war again? oh yeah Saddam is really dangerous and he doesn't like our president's daddy. Oh and oil for my car (wait no, that's not the reason.) And yes I am a fucking communist.

Look (over here), I respect anybody’s opinion on the war. There are lots of reasons to go bomb the fuck out of desertville, and no I don’t mean Arizona, even if they do have a Glendale, I mean Iraq. He killed his own son, he bathes in goats blood, he routinely cornholes innocent young hens in the chickenhouse, blah blah blah. Honestly, I don't know what I think, I am uninformed, and even if I read every fukin time magazine article about it I'll still be uninformed because news is just a nice word for propoganda. But I do know this and feel pretty damn heartfelt about it: fuck all this right-wing bully-pulpit horseshit which somehow legitimizes jumping down anybody’s throat that says willie or nille or even tries to roll up a phillie. It’s like if you even question the thought of flying our troops off to buttfuck Egypt (um, Iraq) to fight arab joe and his psycho horde, then you’re suddenly the scum of the earth traitor, and you might as well “get on a plane and go live in Iraq.” Fuck that. Fuck all of you goddamm self righteous right wing fucks that are pulling this dogshit. You want my real opinion? I’m thinking fuck it we go bomb Saddam. Get him the fuck out of there, put some other fukn Muslim fucks in there that will take better care of our oil, and then go back in ten years and do it all over again. Fine, let’s fukn do it. But DON’T fukn try to tell me that anybody that doesn’t agree with that plan is a fukn traitor. It’s fukn McCARTHYISM all over again and just because of 9/11 people are afraid to even say it. 9/11 sucked ass, but it happened, but FUCK it is no excuse to fukn brand people with different views as un-American just because they are not down for war. Sorry to break it to you but, yeah, there have been some ties seen between al-queda and Iraq, but Saddam is not bin-laden, and bin-laden is still fukn out there, and the prez is just treating us like a donkey that’s focused on the carrot, waving a fukn slice of pizza of to the left, like, “hey donkey, don’t worry about that carrot, come eat this pizza, and you’ll be satisfied.” Meanwhile, sorry loc, the fukn carrot is still gonna be there, and you never know it’ll hide in a cave for 30 years, and one day on Jackbot avenue it’ll sneak into your third floor window and lodge itself in your cat’s throat like a fukn guillotine. And that weiner dog could be driving the getaway car. See, you just never know.

So don’t sleep.

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