dr. doooom's answering machine

I’m so sick of trying to sound clever. I’m not clever, I’m just a typical run of the mill schlep that types crap and jacks pics off google and hits publish.

Something about today is just making all this crap seem very very meaningless. Ah, don’t send out a search party or vibe out some zsa zsa rays, it’s all good. I’m just stuck in this crap office at this crap computer and I wanna go eat some crap and then I gotta come back here cuz were getting a fukn delivery later and it feels like a fukn holiday and I’m at work.

Fuck work. Why do I even come here? Oh yeah the scrilla. That Pay-pa. Pay-pa. Do you think people would flow me cash for this shit? I don’t. I mean there are about 800 million better writers, better blogs, better designs, better better butterfinger.

Grumpy lil Brandon, that’s what I feel like right now. “Name o this track is I don’t want the muthafuckin chorus.” – Dr. Dooom Pebblestone.

Luckily Mrs. P’s coming to pick me up for lunch, I needs me some smiles.

Ah but until then I’m gonna stare at the wall and contemplate my worthless ass. Worthless pile of donkey excrement frappachino slanging dogshit dabbling dirk diggling dastardly dimwitted stepchild of a goatless bastard.

Happy good Friday. Hope you get a lot of chocolate and crap for easter. Hope the easter bunny doesn’t sneak in your window and slice your taliban ass like a cutco knife. Ya never fukn know, do you? you gonna trust a bunny? The only rabbit I trust is Harvey cuz he always gives me a ride home when I’m drunk off my ass.

For more on that go to the links on the left and click on “drunken debauchery.”

And then step to the curb cuz my levis are wrinkled.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Posted 3:26 PM by Alfred

Have you ever known someone who can talk… and talk… and then talk some more and then just when you think your head is about to explode, they keep fucking talking and never shut the fuck up? And then they finally shut the fuck up, and leave your office, and then they go into the next office and call up somebody else, and tell them all the worthless crap you just sat through, so you have to listen to it again? Meanwhile never listening to ONE fukn WORD you might have to say about anything? FUCK.

Yeah, me neither, totally hypothetical situation.

Ok I’m gonna go (unintelligible muttering….)

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Posted 5:08 PM by Alfred

yeah that’s right Fuck e-40. I said it.

with a capital eff.

But captain caveman yo, he was down like downtown Julie brown and her step sister bev. It was all geee whiz. I remember (let me peer in my crystal ball, yeah guy?) how the moon would change that shaggy wannabe to captain caveman, and then – oh shit I’m thinking that guy that would turn into a wolf – that had like the baby wolfboy too? Yeah captain caveman was always a big hairy ball with a cave stick.

How could I be so stupid? To confuse two such pinnacles of modern era histrionics and multiflatformed freeflowing fuselage of goodwill and ambassordship to all of cartoon land, no don’t confuse that gentelemen, of that there can be no WaVeRiNg or lack of perspiration and perseverance in any way shape form or syllable, or else captain kirk will be promptly executed.

Fukn e-40, what a little BITCH.

Yeah I said it, you got beef e?

Bring it on to Saskatchewan punk bitch.

Ah but shit, rappers flake on shit all the time, even hussie la hors ie gussie lamours in airport ass ghetto bird FUCK E-40.

So where was I? Anywhizay. That’s the theme of the day.

Oh yeah I got to cruise around in my BENZO just now, so yall can scratch these narts. Scratch em I said you goatless bastards. Scratch your heart out at that scratching poll of life and take yerself a scratch, a nice long scratch, scratch that goddamm fuddler like its noontime on a thursdsaa (already used the funny day of the week reference there, papa-san), so anyway where was I?

Where’s the beef? That fukn lady got so much publicity and fukn used as PrOmOtIoN by one of the political parties, one of the major ones, I think it was the republicans, the elephants, the war-mongers or could it have been those tree-hugging pork bellying democratic Clinton ass womanizing stepchild wannabe groo haircut having donkey hustler.

Cube, shot gun to the down, bend a corner wit me, shotgun to the dome.

When shit get corn? What the fuck cube, whut the fuck is that supposed to mean? Just cuz I’m white you think I’m growin corn up in this motherfucker, ya know, fuck this, this ain’t ticket to rhyme, this is a scene to a crime, ride to the sto’, and duck n cover like the nuclear preparation in the 70’s would say, cuz the block is HOT.

Fukn PEACE out @!#%& mothafucka!

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Posted 7:12 PM by Alfred

shabba, labba, bing bang bong.

with a triple wand of diddly dap

no row hoe larry curley moe

my boss is like ArGuInG with his brother over whether he should go big island or maui when he comes hawaii

"gotta determine what the fuck they wanna do?"

brothers. they just beat each other up.

never had a brother.

that's cool though, my sisters are good people.

and so is my fish.

even though I beat him up.

Posted 3:06 PM by Alfred

fukn archives are all fucked up and it's pissing me off.

i finally got with the 23rd century and got an aim id and it's berkeleyjoe if you give a flying fuck. not that I'll have time to talk to you, i'm much more of an asshole than i seem on this blog. i mean, jesus i am full of myself. like today, i beat up my fish wacko, just for looking at me sideways. and he's the sweetest kid, he means so well.

the only way I could be busier is if i was a fukn accountant today and even then it would be a close call.

busy is good, busy is good, busy is good.

fukn blogger sucks ass,.

i'm pretty damn stoked that meesh is back, now I can be happy for five minutes until she disappears into meatspace again (speaking of meatspace, whutthefuck ever happened to wken?) ah fargettit.

this was supposed to be just a little entry but i guess i'll do a big diatribe on the middle east right now since i'm here. with a big picture of sadaam hussein and burt reynolds.

or not.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Posted 6:05 PM by Alfred

Yo.

Wha? Whodat?

You know.

Randy?

Yo.

You goatless mother. Why the extended vacation?

Hey man, a brutha’s gotta work it out.

What?

I’m just fuckin with you al. this is keith.

You FUCKER.

Ha.

Fukn prick.

Yeah whatever.

Fuck you.

And yo mama.

Fucker.

Wah wah wah. Shut the fuck up.

What were we talking about? This was supposed to be some randy shit.

Here I am guys. It’s me the original metal rockgod i mean wel not that blonde haired guy from Judas Priest who turned out (gasp) to be homo, and you know just like I couldn’t believe it when george Michael was gay. Yeah guy? I remember even saying that at my friend’s house, back in the dizzle, I’m a youngin’, ya hear me? And anyway, that wham! Video with him & the other dude, and I’m like “jeez that guy is so gay,” and my buddy’s like “dude, he’s not gay, he’s got a girlfriend,” and I’m like “still, he’s gay,” and he’s like “dude, how can he be gay if he’s got a girlfriend, he hooks up chicks all day.” And so see? That means that the world is flat.

Wait what’s this?

Talking shit joe, talkin’ shit.

Yeah you and your bitch tracy.

No your bitch tracy.

No yours.

Posted 1:12 PM by Alfred

houston, we've got a meesh...

Posted 12:57 PM by Alfred

99% of forwarded e-mail crap I get goes straight into the trash, but this I kind of saw as a gem in the rough. I have no idea if it’s total bullshit or an actual excerpt from an NPR broadcast, but it’s funny nonetheless, and is, as the introduction indicates, one of the best comeback lines ever.

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visit to his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines.....