Friday, May 23, 2003

Had a nice ride up to the pali lookout on lunch break today. It’s this state park at the top of the koolaus with this phat view of the windward side of oahu. Super windy, as it’s located at a pass through the top of the mountains where all the wind funnels through from the east. Just kicked it up there for a little bit among the tourists and vagabonds and copped the scenage. There was this Hawaiian guy dressed up in a sheet which was supposed to look like an ancient Hawaiian taking pics with tourists. Hey if it pays dolla bills, go for it. he was so nice to the dumb haoles but I was thinking he must be thinking “jesus fukn Christ this is what I’ve been reduced to.” Or maybe not. Shit I’ll dress up like whatever they want as long as it’s not bondage gear if the scrilla’s right.

Shit is like not meaning much right now. And it’s meaning a lot. Dogshit hidden as deep thoughts. Or is it the reverse? Yes. It’s the only way to tell you folks. I’m not some secret samadai this is real shit yall. So if I’ve got some serious shit goin on I just talk about marmaduke and his horsecock sandwich collection and tell myself I’m hashing out all these issues. Makes the squirrels stop talking to me. Well, at least quiets them a little. I don’t think they’ll ever stop talking completely. Ever. Ah, who am I kidding, the only serious shit goin on is if I should wear socks or just paint them on my ankles. Yes that doesn’t make sense. It’s for a reason. It’s ironic, you see.

Or maybe the squirrels will stop some day. Or not. Who gives a rat’s ass, as they are not real anyway. Realistically I could sit here and just bang on the keys and put a stupid pic up and joe Johnson and Edwina mcenhale will still come looking for the kool keith that just ain’t here. Have you ever hit a point where you’re like why what where when & who. And all the questions are mostly answered but you’re spinning the wheel again, hoping maybe you missed something and there’s a bonus prize featuring a brand new Hyundai sonata in there. And you realize that Hyundai is some cheap ass shit – ok no it’s not, they’re pretty nice, but shit, it ain’t no caddie, and it ain’t no lexus, and shit! Every damn word I’m thinking who’s this gonna offend, both real & blogger kine folk, when in reality I just want to spillety spillety spill. Spill some oil on the Ukraine.

Fuk why don’t we just admit we want iraq’s oil & start taking it. taking it ALL. And leave them a husk of oilless ass crapterpiece. Seriously though, we could drill for like 85 years and still be able to fill up our Zippos, so chillski big guy. I mean really, we’ll slaughter a few thousand moose in Alaska to make a fukn pipeline & rape our own land but we’re too high & mighty & nice guy to snag some of that iraq shit? Whuuuut? Fuk em, I mean, they’d be better off us ruling that shit & stealing their oil than our current plan of just vacate the premises & hope for the best, letting them all kill each other & the strongest warlord takes over & then we gotta go in there again in 10 years, under some other bullshit reason cuz our leaders can’t just be straight and say it’s ass kicken time cuz the election is coming up.

Fukn ridiculous. And no I don’t know whut I’m talking about. Deal.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Ok maybe raymi didn’t really say that. (see post below) But maybe she did, she says a lot of shit. Not shit as in bad stuff, but shit as in stuff, like plenny kine stuff, na mean?

Ok that’s enough of that, like David Charronne, or however the fuck you spell his name was enuff z enuff for Van Hagar, I mean, post van hagar, vah halen with no lee roth, oh and did you catch david lee on the ad for the mtv awards with that American Pie guy & J timberlake? I mean shit Dave, try hard why not? It is over diamond dave, acceptance of that matter is key for intactness of dignity factor. Albeit dd has never valued dignity very high up there on his scale of necessities therebywith that he necessitates.

Fukn SHIT at this exact moment through these fog laden sunglasses it seems like every crap ass masterpiece that I write is a bastard step-child of something that jim treacher & paul barman cowrote & then threw out with the bathwater. It sucks my crapmaster ass-terpiece. it’s sounding like, it’s sounding like, well, not music, that’s for damn sure.

Ok I’m gonna take a break, finish up this quote for gigantic corp I’m working on whereby I get my revenge for them ripping me off in 95 and then I shall holla. Ok it’s not revenge, I’m hooking them up, but lining my paquetas at the same time, eh? And if paquetas doesn’t mean pockets which I’m pretty sure it doesn’t well that is just not my issue, correct? Correct.

Looks like jennyeah is going through some drama, which is a really big surprise, I mean, I would never expect it. I wonder if it’s real or if capone is just some alternate personality to keep people in the seats. I wonder wonder wonder wonder who? Who wrote the book of Brandon.

Fukn joe can shove that fork up his ass. Still a little bitter about the lakes. Fukn playoffs are boring as fuck now. You know it, I know it, the nba knows it, fukn david stern knows it, because his grandma is calling him & she wants her dentures back but they’re firmly implanted in Tim Duncan’s ass hoping to somehow make that guy the slightest bit interesting and/or controversial beyond the fact that he’s an incredible basketball player.

Dirk Noshinski on the other hand, he’s interesting. But not that much. He’s just shady looking in that European side-business style. But I have this feeling that America’s getting over it daily.

Fukn Unfaithful is a stupid-ass movie and the kid from Malcolm in the middle was OH-SO miscast in that role as the cute yet always fukn up & wetting his bed little sheister. Fuk that shite. Stupid is as stupid does and diane lane or whatever the fuk her name is was way overrated in that and thank lordie she didn’t win the oscar but I didn’t see Chicago so I don’t know how much zeta-jones aka married my grandpa deserved it either. Fuk Chicago. The city & the movie. Ok not the city. I wouldn’t want to offend the vault-keeper. That would not put me in the “down” category with town Julie brown and dru. Never & nunca.

I can write a lot of stupid crap when I just let my fingers keep moving & clicking yes? Yes Dan, it can be done you pile. Quantity over quality. Quality ain’t shit. People want to read about horsecock sandwiches & I am here to fill the void, a very important void, that void for which people crave dog-ass crapterspieces by kool keith Alfred pennyworth Berkeley joe and the association helmed by the kingpin of crime known as carlton fisk. And not hammerhead. Not the star wars one either. Ok that’s it for now. Yes I know it was a frog ass frapterpiece but shit, my meter’s running. Uptown cabbie, 153rd street, on the fukn double you you llama loving liliputian.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

metacycle motorcycle. Do you understand, Laura Kessler? It’s very important. Where was your husband and where were you on the night of Tuesday March the 31st of (what) that’s not right? Who are you some kind of fuckin masterstized dinosaur from the planet zomatrix? Hellz nah. Ain’t happenin ace.

Mind riding. Imagine if your cerebrum could be properly equipped to actually disassociate from your body and ride in the nether the way that Pinocchio and his step-brother will ferrel’s cousin’s dog Alexander once told me, you never know with an Irish brew full of bassethound fuel. Literally, that’s what he said & I have no idea at all in the name of all fuckness what the hell he really meant by that. Not one inkling.

I just blew a shitload of dustified mites of magnetism in my mouse and it is working like a champion on acid reflux disease. But it’s good in case you don’t know that very common term. It doesn’t make you stupid just ignorant. And ignorance when handled with common sense can usually get you through any jam with a minimal amount of violence and or tension from either party because raymi said so.

So the other thing I was gonna tell you guys was that tarzan and his tiger named zamboa kool keith Johnson just ran through here like an Ethiopians stomach train and suddenly that um zamboa guy, totally like did a chicken dance. He was literally and figuratively (in his traditional dress and eating a snickers bar) called out for the chicken of savage holiness to bless this town and thus drunken mound of slizzard piss.

So find some fukn meaning in that if you will.

the hot shit is at a dog named clipper right… now. Ok it was there yesterday too, but you know how that goes. And it’ll be there tomorrow too, but you might not understand how that, um, goes. You might not, but the beautiful thing about the human mind’s capacity is that hopefully now you do. Understand.

Monday, May 19, 2003

blogger's on fukn crack

Ok guess I got a minute. So how was the weekend? Mine was pretty good. Had drinks at the Mai-Tai bar in ala moana last nite, which is always good, for lack of a more original descriptive word. I was drinking frozen mai-tais, which are good. Then we came home & watched Malcolm in the middle, which was not as funny as I had hoped or anticipated, but such is life. Tried to find sunglasses for me, prescription, which is about as easy as giving a gorilla an enema without an anesthesiologist on the premises. It’s difficult. Not easy. Fukn it’s like every pair I like either they crush my giant head and there are no bigger sizes or they’re like, unable to put prescription lenses in those bastards or they look fukn stupid, and the only ones I really liked were 2 hun. Just for the fukn frames, man. Fuk that shite. Plus we were looking for a video camera for the Europe trip and shit, you gotta have a fukn phd in mixology to understand which fukn video camera to buy. Well I guess it’s not that bad, we think we know which one we want, but gotta do a little research.

So what else? No I’m asking you? yes the lakers fukn lost. Actually that was last week. Fuk the lakers, it’s all about the clips anyway. And yeah I’m a bandwagon jumpin goat thief, deal with it amerika. My boss just told me a really racist joke which I will not repeat here. In fact I’m gonna erase that sentence so you’ll know that I never ever ever hear racist jokes and certainly don’t laugh at them. Because involuntary laughter means you could be a racist. And I’m not racist. (oh shit, I just said I’m not a racist therefore I’m a racist) oh well.

Fukn whut the fuk else can I say to piss you off? Mother Theresa is a stupid bitch. That Hitchens guy that’s supposedly so smart said so. I linked it, like, months ago, so you can scour my archives like you always do and then you’ll know about a quarter of what I know. Which is a shitload. I got a lot of e-mail (meaning none) about my expose on the pope hanging out in Waikiki strip clubs, of which I was made privy to by my ulterior job as a Honolulu limo driver. I won’t expand on it, as I have been contacted by Vatican lawyers except to verify that as far as I know the pope has no identifiable piercings. At least from whut I can see. I don’t know why, but that was very important to the Johnny Cochran ass mofos that called me this morning (early) waking me out of bed and putting bad images in my noggin. NO I didn’t see the pope’s nipples you sick bastards, shit I just waited in the car while he got whatever freak on that he does. In fact it could have been Lyle Alzado for all I know (it WAS the pope, though) I mean, shit, giant sombrero, sunglasses, a live boa constrictor, shit, I could barely see the man’s face, but his walk, his gait, his aura, shit that was all pope. Just cuz you got your pope on don’t mean you don’t have needs, na mean? Shit the pope’s got needs, bitch. Now recognize.

Hopefully there’s lots of catholics reading this and they’ll all blogroll me NOW. Seriously I think the pope is really cool, I just think he’s misunderstood and seriously, if his lawyers would stop calling, I might just drop the subject altogether, and not mention a certain young lady named Kealona Rashala who just so happens to work at club femme nu who just so Happens to have a copy of the pope’s fingerprint on her mascara case. Bet. Try me. Ok? Werd.