dr. doooom's answering machine

yup, yup, more random thoughts from reading Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear & Loathing on the Campaign Trail ’72. I know, I know, I’m obsessed. Sorry.

Buuuut, you know the thing that really fucked up mcgovern in 72? That guy on the left on the Time cover, Tom Eagleton. Turns out that he was a looney, and a few years back he’d had some shock treatment therapy in a nuthouse. And he neglected to mention it to good ol’ George muck-G when he offered him the job as vp. Hmmm. And guess who ended up replacing him, you’ll never guess. This guy named Sargent Shriver, who I didn’t realize until I googled pics of him but he’s maria shriver’s dad and that same old fart that came out and hugged Arnold after he won the California governorship.

Ok that’s all for now. Hope you’re having a good one. It’s rainy as fuck here, as it seems to have been for like a week straight. I might go golfing tomorrow but we’ll see how Mr. God dictates Mr. Weather for the Mr. Day and don’t forget good ol’ Mr. Wallet, and yes I know I used Mr. and good ol already, but hey, cut me a break, who do you think I am, Sir Laurence Olivier? I ain’t even Sir Mix-a-Lot, but shit, you know I got a big ass. Chuuuch.

Ok but, well, yeah, I was gonna end it there, but you must know, the reason that eagleton fucked things up so bad, besides his craziness, was that mcgovern was a dumbass for picking him, I mean, hindsight being 20/20 and all that, but, well, mcgovern campaigned for & won the democratic nomination by being an “alternative” type candidate, you know, the “non-political” politician, and that was his bread and butter, ya dig? But all the bigwig power structure in the democratic party hated him & wanted to bring him down, and eagleton was one of those type peeps, so he was like a peace offering, and plus, well, teddy kennedy acted like he might take the veep spot but he decided against it. fukn teddy kennedy, he could have changed the course of history, cuz almost guarans, they woulda won with him. he was super popular, notwithstanding being a drunk chappaquidick ass or whatever. and imagine, mcgovern/kennedy wins 72, hold on until 1980, and you've got president Teddy Kennedy instead of Ronald Reagan. Shit we might all be speaking Russian, or the whole planet could be owned by Texaco, what is that, like, you kill a fly in Nicaragua and a dog dies in Ohio? something like that.

And it was just too bizarre how incredibly one sided this election was, and Nixon suddenly could get away with murder, and like, out of nowhere, because of the image of McGovern turning all sellout, the demos couldn't buy a pair of votes with a lobster dinner and a serenade from the chairman of the board.

This is a freaky quote:

“Ominous” is not quite the right word for a situation where one of the most consistently unpopular politicians in American history suddenly skyrockets to Folk Hero status while his closest advisors are being caught almost daily in nazi-style gigs that would have embarrassed Martin Bormann.

Not sure who Martin Bormann is, assuming he’s some big time nazi. (yah. Click here. 2nd in command to Hitler during WWII.) Anyway, the point being that for some odd reason, even being blessed with a viable alternative of a candidate, one who Bobby Kennedy had called “one of the most decent men in America”, the country still was rabid for Nixon, they loved the fucking guy, despite his daily bombings and his regular public relations issues with the whole Watergate thing coming to a boiling point (although it hadn’t got directly to him yet) but, still, I mean, whut the fuck?

Mcgovern fucked up super bad, like, terribly, he canned his vp, who deserved it, but came out looking like the asshole. Not looking like the “man of the people” type, “different” from the others politico, and, SHIT, I don’t know where I’m going with this. Anyway, look it up, kids, it’s history, and if you don’t know your past you can’t know your, um, ovaltine. Aloha.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Posted 6:52 PM by Alfred

Ok now I think it’s in my head to properly tell you something.

What the fuck that something is, of that I have no idea, and neither do you, well, actually, you might know better than me, odd as that may sound, I mean, it is what it is to you, and probably something totally different to each and every (all 3) other people (person?) that reads this crap. And yes, crap can be good, like when george explains how nice a word manure is to Marisa tomei. Now do you see? I’m glad. Glad I could enlighten you as to my arcane wisdom. You’re welcome. Ungrateful fucks. Yeah, you. okay, not you. him. her. But not you, no, I would never, oh, but, ya know? Fuck you too.

No no no. of course I don’t mean that. I mean next to nothing that I say, which means that which I say, the thing next to that which is nothing is the true meaning of it, and if the ultimate reality is sitting right next to the absolute fake, then well, every word of which is uttered is the utmost definition of that which is not a lie. Aloha.

Posted 10:47 AM by Alfred

My crankiness is at a serious if not all time high. Prepare for a monologue replete with vagina, not literally, but figuratively, in that whining will be included in the festivities. Ah, nah, it’s just, shit, I forgot my coffee. My. Coffee. That I made, in our little mr. coffee, and left sitting. On our coffee-table, which would be so right if it weren’t so wrong, for not being with me, forgotten, until my arrival, until. It was. Too late. For retrieval.

Aye aye aye. I just wanna, I just wanna, argh, I don’t even know. Blow up this blog. Print out everything on papyrus, store it in a cold room, and go to blogger headquarters and start laying out the tnt. Ok, don’t have to go that far, can just hit the red button. And deletion. No more, like, pseudo non existent celebrity to pump my ego, let it deflate. Ah, I don’t mean that. bah.

Fucks, I needs some caffeines. And like, not from a coke, fuck that, I needs coffees. Needs. Coffees. With caffeines. Fucks.

It’s all just a big jerk-off anyway. Read, say something nice, read, say something nice, and 99% of it you could just go find a book and it would be the same but way better. Shit, I shouldn’t say that. of course, this doesn’t include you. or me. Only them. The others. We’re legit. Like, this, it’s real, it’s serious, but it’s not, it’s golden arches qualified.

And it’s not just this, it’s everything, it’s the chemical imbalance, or balancing, occurring in my body right now. Ok, I’m drinking Sunkist, it’s getting a little better. The funny or not so funny thing is why on earth would you give half a shit. or even a quarter of a shit. I wanna find every record of every ha ha little pithy remark indicated anywhere on the internet and burn it down.

Fuck, this is way counter productive. What is productive anyway though? Ok, yah, I blogged today, now I can go win the tyco awards for jurk storr central. Knock, knock, this is your nonlife. Bleh.

The most pathetic part is that I’m actually gonna go to blogger & publish this.

update:

and edit it! - Carlton

update 2:

just for spelling kids, don't worry, i didn't propogate on mr. man's message. - Carlton

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Posted 2:54 PM by Alfred

go bows!

taking on the wolverines of michigan in ann arbor in about 3 hours.

ya heard?

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Posted 12:16 AM by Alfred

Well then, the clippers lost again tonite. Hugest surprise of hugest surprises. To cap off a day of hilarity and unexpected fortitude, or, um, weak sauce central sin city circus freak-outs.

BUT the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors DID win their 2nd round NIT game against Nebraska tonite, here at the Stan Sheriff Center. You heard it here first. Or last. Or 2nd or 3rd. Whatever makes you feel better tough guy.

I kind of like having this be like the “metablogging” (is that the term?) area for the ultrabs family of articulations, it’s like, keep that bathroom shit in the bathroom, na mean? crap belongs in the crapper, and habanero pepper sauce equals sore okole en la manana. If you believe in that kind of thing. (editor's note: hello, this is carlton. i have decided for filing purposes to allow this one edit to explain that by "this" the writer of this story, who i back 100% despite what some filthy liars may have to say regarding his ancestry, means the high quality website, owned by our parent corporation but not necessarily reminiscent of our own views, a dog named clipper. gracias.)

The funny thing, the super-hilarious, is to sneak in quality shit over on this side just to keep the contingent, whut may be left of them, guessing. Watched all the president’s men tonite. You know, that old 76 flick with redford and hoffman as woodward and Bernstein. Trippy shite. I’m catching that, shit, I’m up through August, or, wait, in August, in Thompson’s book fear and loathing campaign trail 72 and he never mentions the Watergate break-in. maybe it’s coming up. I shouldn’t presume to assume. Hst isn’t exactly known for his precision attention to the rules of chronology in the ordering of his thoughts on paper. I might go into this more later or i might forget about it altogether, but the movie brings up something i hadn't thought about, the fact that nixon apparently orchestrated his oppenent to be mcgovern, not wanting to face the more politically leveraged muskie. and from there, shit, nixon basically assured, even without the scandal, that the republicans would lose the election in 1976 to the dems. but the history lesson i've got to teach myself is why the fuck didn't teddy kennedy run in 1976? i mean, jimmy fucking carter? wtf? i gotta do some digging cuz i am apparently ignorant. kennedy could have feasibly held off reagan in 1980, although reagan was, shit, an amazingly charismatic mofo on that dr. doom level when it came to convincing the masses that everything would be alright and that we had to crack skulls asap. and don't gimme chappaquidick. that was all done with and the reason he didn't run in 72, shit was still too fresh. maybe not clean, but fresh. believe that. in fact, i need to be educated on all that shit too.

why am i more fascinated with the year in politics circa 32 years ago than that which is currently going on criss crossing the country? is it even going on anymore? i must admit confusion and further ignorance. but, like PE said, you can't know your future without knowing your past. or something like that. and on reflection that was probably a quote from a historical figure, slid into the cut by terminator x.

Anyhoo, that’s all for me. You don’t even know how hectic it is right now. Good hectic though. Be happy for me. For us. For the entity which is the kool Alfred Berkeley enterprises association of greater bloggerville. I mean, shit, chickens are like screaming at me on line 2 over something about their eggs ain’t hatched yet so to keep my goddamm mouth shut.

And they’re the brains of this operation, so I best be getting to stepping. Aloha.

endnote: this was gonna go in clipper. it really was. but it got too big out of nowhere, and far be it from me to propogate on a cover-up of important type pertinent information. who am I? shit, the new new #2. bitch.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Posted 5:06 PM by Alfred

yo yo. uh, i wasn't gonna type anything here, just rep double d, victor von, that is, but, well, this lil space looks so empty and ready to fill up with jurk storr shit like strait out of gretel's oven.

so yah march madness! ain't it mad. don't laugh, or cry, or emote anything whatsoever cuz that was the strait up most predictable line ever, with the exception of if you fast forwarded 10 years through days of our lives and suddenly noticed that every single person is doing the exact same thing, but very dramatically.

if only the rillio was even half as exciting, if by exciting you mean tearfully boring and uneventful, but life, as we know, daniel san, is so rife with effervescent happenstances that sometimes it makes you just want to shake an unopened mountain dew as hard as you possibly can and then never open it, just pondering all that pent up force waiting to be unleashed and forever, if you can get a good enough guard for it, willing to sacrifice, well, you know, in case of ambush, and well, then, that could be the most life-affecting event in the corridor of time along that particular alleyway of allegorical occurences at least for the nonce & or afternoon timeframe. mornings are probably better for me cuz i play squash at 3:30, except for thursday in which you know i stay home and tuesday in which i have the squash club come and play in my super luxurious backyard squash court, cuz, fuck, those crazy asses can drive if they want but i stay in the muthafuckin' crib on tuesdays and thursdays, ya heard?