dr. doooom's answering machine

can you see yourself? I mean, really, really, see the real you with the real fake sandwich? No, no, seriously, nonverbatim exercises today, just for the three of you here on this fine (insert day of week here, preferable Tuesday or Thursday, since you’re gonna have to stay in the house) day. I’m so glad all of you could make it cuz um the, shit, no jurk storr, thou shalt not be let out of said cage on this, fuck, day! damn, what’s another word for day? serially.

Ok, I was gonna get serious. This bizness in iraq with like we torture them and they saw some guy’s head off and shit, people are watching that on the internet, and, you know? I can’t watch it. I won’t. and I can watch like gnarly gnars kine shit of all way shapes and forms, but I’m queasy about seeing the actual death of another human being on video like that, it’s like, shit, it’s like, heavy shit. but i'm the first in line to watch the fake shit, but it's knowing that it's fake, you know it's not real, and shit, i don't know. i'm not propogating on anybody that did watch it either, shit, watch it, fuck, i don't know. fuck, this is heavy shit. i mean shit, you can watch chicks make pancakes in their ass but you can't watch this? i mean, c'mon, and you know what it's from? it's from the united states policy of allowing all images of violence but none of sex, i mean, janet's fucking NIPPLE flopped out and everyone is pissing their motherfucking panties all over the place, but, shit, we see a guy's fucking head chopped off, and yah, it's front page news, but fuck, you're not seeing it on fuckn, shit, i don't know, all that bullshit crapvision. because it's a downer. you know, like fukn entertainment tonite or some shit like that, but they'll jerk off all day over janet's tittie, the point being, janet's tittie was not a downer, so why the big fukn fuss? and the news channel's, they're like "we're not gonna show this, cuz it's pretty graphic..." like they had a choice? did anyone see this on their television? it's like, that they would even consider it? but theyd never consider showing janet's tittie! it's like "well, we can show her getting her head chopped off with her tittie hanging out, but we'll have to wobble the screen over the tittie, just right over the nipple, yeah, just that part" and not that that's how these people really talk, but shit, maybe it is??

anyway, back to my snuff movie psychological special, remember that movie 8 MM with Nick Cage? and he has to find this guy that made this “snuff” film, but it’s a real snuff film, ie someone is really getting killed in it. and in the course of going through this investigation, he has to get very involved in like the underground world of hardcore fucked up porn, like illegal crazy shit, like people with masks on and tape all over their fingers, it’s like, and still, it’s all fake shit, it’s all just acted out, but that real shit, it’s super rare out there. And there’s people out looking for it, there’s enough of a market that it’s out there for, shit, whatever twisted fuck wants to look at it for his jollies.

But think about it, a real snuff film, not just that fake shit that prolly all of them are, fuck, this is fucking with my head. Ok, no it’s not, but anyway, yeah it is, but I can handle, feel free to go somewhere else if you can’t, and don’t get me wrong, I don’t begrudge you of it. oh, but anyway. Ok. The point. The point is: a real drawn out and brutal killing is on the internet for all to see. And I started wondering to myself in my twisted little mind, you know there are people like getting their jollies off to this shit, and it’s just so fucked up. are there? there prolly are. fuck. anyway, and all this shit about what we did to them and what they did to us and the attitudes of either side, and are we any better with our leaders saying “tsk tsk” and “damn, we’ll get to the bottom of this” when they prolly don’t give a flying FUCK about it, you know they’re like dammitt, those stupid fucks, torture their asses but don’t take your dumbfuck pictures while you’re doing it. whereas the arabs, they're like "yeah, we killed this guy" and they dance in the street, and they don't act all contrite and shit, but fuck, where was I? oh yeah, um, so but really? what pisses you off more, as an american, that they sawed this guy's head off? or about the iraqi prisoners? cuz that's mad fucked up shit, too. shit, you gotta read N8's take on this one.

Anyway, rant over, rant begun, rant half way through, definition of it, is it even a rant, I mean, hmmm, this part is the most rantish actually and it’s not really talking about anything. Fuck, I don’t know if I made a point anywhere in there and prolly least of all the spot where I said I actually was, shit, such a bold faced lie. Whatever. No, maybe not, maybe it’s true, maybe I did conjure up some kind of relevant idea beyond the stroke of just throwing rocks at wounds and dregging up bullshit that is on everyone’s mind right now anyway, but, riddle me this batman? How long till we pull out of this motherfucker? How many weeks, months, years, you laugh now, but I don’t see us completely out of there in a year, I could be wrong, and you know what though, as fucked up as it is, we fucking did it, so we gotta clean it up, or we are the strait up most skanless motherfuckers in the galaxy, and if my twisted up fucked up logic can lead me in that direction think what the rest of the world that’s sitting underneath our bootheel of justice is thinking about it? counting down the neoseconds to, fuck, I don’t know what, but it’s probably something bad fucking ass.

Bah! I don’t know what the fuck that was and I don’t know what the fuck this is, but I got shit on my mind, rickie, and I gots the wherewithalls and the aspirin cabinets to back that shit up all the way to long beach. hoebags.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Posted 5:32 PM by Alfred

so it was very important mister swizzle stick said at the polyurethane convention to no one in particular, that when drinking inordinate amounts of ovaltine you always remember to brush your teeth within 30 minutes from the first sip, now that is ONLY if drinking an over than indulgent, some would say magnanimously enormous endeavor, of the whole thing, making it like that, ya know, like, way overboard. Kinda lost track of that one. Anyway, if you think that’s a neat trick then check out the cereal I ate this morning.

You know how sad it’s gotten? Like, the only reason I’ll post is too prop up a cool comic cover that I find. It’s like “hmmm, this would look really cool, let’s write some crap around it,” and then all these field mice come running in with picket signs and uzi machine guns and like strait up rob my ass for like five minutes. And I know I gots to give up the ghost and not rep it so bullshitville, but at the same time it’s like what if this like fukn squire or some shit from some fukn castle like strait up just walked up to you and got in your grill and you were like shit!

Click on the comic cuz it goes to bob layton’s website, the guy whut drew that picture of iron man having to take out iron man cuz he’s got his wares, nah mean? He’s like, “dood, sorry man, but I gots to get all my muthafuckin stolen armor secrets that you fools and all them other damn fools whut stole from me while I was boozing it up in palookaville, well I’m back MOFO and my name is tony motherfucking stark, bitch!”

Or something like that.

ok this wasn't my best post, but it was a post. and by that i mean, fuck, shit, whut happened, i'm metablogging if that's what you call it, but oh no, wait, i'm not, i'm blogging about blogging but not about other bloggers i mean, is that what it is, i gets so confused what with matthew the rhesus monkey always hanging out in my brain and it can get very very annoying when that guy doesn't get it into his head to shut up already.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Posted 4:45 PM by Alfred

So joanie loves chachi and Abraham loves Isaac, what does that make me when I’m thirsty on the love boat and fonzie’s jumping the shark in the cabin’s bathtub? Well I think, and would bet, that it puts me in the same league as the Big Ragu. Don’t quote me as an authority on the subject (or any other) but I would say with almost sincerity that if heavens to mergatroid was declared our national anthem, well, hotdog sales would go up at Wrigley in a heartbeat, cuz people would realize that it’s so on the money, strait up no panickin, like the style of that which exudes high quality from every (ok, almost every) orifice yet at the same time bears no pretension or haughtiness even subconsciously. That’s the key to the magic kingdom, mein freunds, and if you don’t believe me, go ask Mr. McGillicuddy.

What is the opposite of an 85 astromedallion quality meteor shower if it were to occur in Papa New Guinea at the exact same time as a lunar equinox over Beirut? Sometimes I wonder & always I ponder if those exact calculations were to come to fruition at the same millisecond, would there be ramifications with lasting effects that no one ever discovers and in fact believes, down to the last soul, that that facet of life as we know it was in no way affected by said event.

Also, if you’re flying over a place in an airplane, and you’re gonna jump out with your parachute, how sure do you have to be that that string works, it’s like, I would be there opening it and then packing the chute back in like 3 times, just to make super soooper sure that that fukn parachute’s in there, cuz, well, if it ain’t, that’s your ass.

But that might signify lack of surety in some borders of that existence that I have not yet pondered yet. What could I possibly be declining to reveal to myself and what way shape or form style of the (mr. x) familia could possibly be masterminding this besiegement of casa Escobar (name changed to protect the guilty) as we know it love it and section it off into various zones of behaviorism effectology by which to ascertain which combination is the most satisfactory to a prefabricated set of focus groups. Stay tuned, and we just may find out, said the captain, before hanging up his microphone and getting into the stash.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Posted 4:59 PM by Alfred

so wussup yall. Holla. Shot calla. All that shit. whutups wit da cutups.

Have I mentioned that the punisher has been in a lot of different comics and you can see them all here for just the mental & physiological cost of a few clicks & clacks.

Also did you know that I have to take a piss like BAD and I’m like holding it for like 83 astromedallions becuz this shit I’m typing is so earth shatteringly important that leprechauns might fall down from the sky.

Oh yeah it’s not. Hold on.

Yup. Ok. I just checked with management and it’s ok to leave that bit in. had to erase the part with the African dragons making soup over by the back window. They can’t risk that, well, you know, incidental incidences. We do apologize for any misconceived notions and/or disappointments.

I’ve talked about it before, just like everything, ok, well, shit, not everything, but prolly too much catalogued equipment sales, but, shit, I mean, you gotta know it, that corn nuts are pretty good. Wait, that’s not whut I was gonna say. Oh yah, you gotta appreciate good guitarists like randy rhoads and stevie ray Vaughan, shit, I mean, they are like, big pimpin spending mad gees up with the gee oh and hay soos like smoking big trees, nah mean?

So, yah, so, it’s good stuff when you find extremely high quality comic cover pics on the ol innernet and that punisher site referenced above is champs for it. (I like this one, in like, you know, that grease is the word meets carnal knowledge sense) Serially, you need to be there within 43 astromedallions or squirrely the flying monkey will be on it like boobonic regulating on your shit. did the monkeys fly out of your ass expression strictly come from wizard of oz? or, shit, can someone check the timeline on that shit and let me know? I mean, fuck, chicken or the egg, na mean? Hmmm.

So like, I’m kinda thinking now that everything on the innernet is retarded. Except not. Fuck, I don’t know whut I’m talking about again, don’t mind me, it’s just Mrs. Johannsenn’s special lemonade she made specially for me, fucking up my specially priced jacket and clacks from the 2x4 store. And shit, I gets my lumber from that store with the tuxedo guy that says “I guarantee it.”

Fuck that guy though. I mean, shit, if I was Donald duck, I would totally crush his spleen with a bastard sword. Ok, no I wouldn’t, I’m sure he’s a real nice guy, but sometimes he scares me. Like seriously you guys.

You just can’t, you can’t, shit, you know, deregulate shit like that without wherewithalling the contingent’s wherewithability. It’s just not done in this or any other acre’s locality. And ok, now for the really meaningful section. That shit that you think is peanut butter, it’s really jelly, and the salad is really beef bouillione, I mean, think about it, it totally could be that, and not just in name, I’m talking leafy vegetablistic goodness all up on the gnarliest burger from the bash hut, or wherever the fuck jack in the crack as mack stack you get your patties and taters at, it’s all good in this hood as long as you reppin the beach and eastwood lanes, you dig? You better. Nah, nah, taint like that. stay up before you get grayed up, werd, though?