dr. doooom's answering machine

I told you 50 would win.

Well I also told you Justin wouldn’t, so, well, whatevs.

Damn I was a little surprised, and then a little not surprised, that Johnny Cash got shut out. I mean, that was a bad ass video. Bad ASS.

Fuck, whatever.

Kate Sullivan is almost always a really good read. You should check her out. She's down with Immaculate Heart, so don't papa hate peeps.

fukn motorcycles gear shifter is kind of fucking up on the down shifts last couple days. should probably take it in for a tune-up this weekend.

I wish I knew jack shit about like vehicle maintenance and repair, besides checking the fukn oil and like looking at the tires and thinking "hmmm those should probably be changed out."

I wish I was one of those "handy" people that could fix shit just by taking it apart. fuk I take shit apart and gotta call in the rhesus monkeys and fukn that egg guy that was sitting on the wall and those horses and shit to put that shit back together again.

One time I did fix my CD player, though, but Aquaman helped me figure it out.

so I guess I can be semi-handy when I put my mind to it.

Fukn I don’t really have jack shit to say right now, so I guess I’ll get some work done.

Peace.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Posted 7:16 PM by Alfred

Do I really have time to blog something?

Is the average airspeed of a European swallow not carrying a coconut the inverse quadratic equation of the Alaskan sheepdog’s population idiosyncratic opaque messenger service?

Ah hell no.

So like, mtv awards tonite. I know 50 gotta be winnin something, shit 50 ain’t get no respect frum the undaground, but it’s just cuz he’s blowin up, I think he’s got his shit together.

Shit, keith is gonna kick my ass fer saying that.

Why am I so sure that keith would rip on 50 like that, shit maybe doc ock thinks fukn em’s protégé’s like the shit, like fish sandwich with a side o’ mayo, na mean, shit, anything can happen.

Cube is so old school now I both love it & hate it.

The hot new shit is murs, shit there’s a cut with shock g & humpty hump (the same person? Still not sure) that is straight up sick boy style, I mean social distortion would be down with the cause.

How the fuk did hit man get so much air time on the chronic 2001 and shit muthafucka like strait disappeared after that. At least devin’s still hangin’ outside the club, smoking bunch a dank and clockin’ hoes.

Fukn snoop dogg is still the shizzle. I hope he picks up some hardware tonite.

Fukn em ain’t pickin up shit tonite, mark that down.

Fukn Justin ain’t pickin up shit either. Fukn missy’ll pick something up.

Shit could’ve already started for all I know. I’m talking out my ass.

You should read tony’s treatise on this matter, it’s mad phatter.

Now throw that shit in the muthafuckin air goddammit.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Posted 1:36 PM by Alfred

not that you ever read it, but this was a pretty good conversation that I had with myself. Did I say good? I meant shitty. Actually, no, I take that back, it was good, I am worth it, I’m good enuff, etcetera, now hopefully fox news won’t sue my ass.

Fox news is kind of a big pile of donkey shit I think. The local newscasts are kind of funny sometimes, how like, mellow yellow it is, in that, if they need to stretch for time at the end, you know, to get the timing right, they’ll start talking about fukn what movies they saw last weekend or like “oh, how’s auntie mame?” ok they don’t take it that far, but it’s like, ok let’s talk story, the people watching won’t mind, and I don’t, it’s amusing. I enjoy it actually. But part of me’s like, shit bitches, let’s move on, I’m missing out on fear factor or whatever the fuk is on next. Used to be seinfeld, but bastards moved around the schedule, I can catch the crew on TBS at lunch time sometimes now though, so I guess take a little give a little or something like that.

Um, yeah guy? Well one of my dope ass affiliates from the blurry days of nine seis through nine ocho is like moving back to the isles. Little does he know I can dunk now and, shit, I’m gonna be like teabagging him hanging from the rim, like “beyatch, check nuts!” nah, probably not. I like talking yang and backing it up, but don’t mind talking yang and flailing, hey comes with the territory.

Speaking of the blurry days, fuk, one time von-stroblerham had like this big ol bottle of fukn beam or some shit and was like “you and me are going to drink the rest of this bottle and then you’re gonna drive us to town & we’re going to the fukn wave.” The wave being like this rawkus fukn nightclub that’s open till 4 am, the place where all the freaks from the various other clubs that close at 2 all filter to after hours, like it’s dead at 12:30 and then at 2:30 it’s literally off the chain and at 3 the chain has been decapitated by this leper named father damian jr.

Hmmm, that didn’t seem in good taste.

Anyway, where was I? So I was like fuk that, and like hiding in my room and locking the door, but this fucker was demented off the sauce and like picking my cheap ass lock with like a fukn paperclip and kept coming in and bugging me and pushing booze down me until I finally relented but I was like “hell no” I am not driving, cuz shit, that ain’t right, so of course out of nowhere apparently my trusty sidekick Harvey the rabbit appears from outside on the lanai where

apparently he had been smoking a clove and was like “time to party boys, I’ll drive.” Now I think he was kinda fukked up off those high grade opium laced carrots mixed with some tequila and rum, but fuk it, he’s an excellent driver, beyond the slow in the driveway variety so we all piled into my old hoopty wagon with the house speakers wired into the trunk (or was it the even more OG hoopty sedan with the jerry-rigged ignition switch hanging from the dashboard) hard to remember.

In any event, we fukn got to the wave and got stinking fukn drunk and I don’t even remember whut the fuk happened but it sounded like a good story to tell.

What the fuk was the point? Oh yeah, there was none.

Aloha.

Fuk that sounds like a stupid fukn hero story now that I look back on it, meaning I’ll have to elaborate further into like another spectrum just so this thing won’t look like I’m trying to make myself out to be some hunter s. Thompson wannabe with like 1 ninety-ninth of the writing ability and like 1 one thousandth the ballsack capacity. Speaking of heros my buddy merlinski who went to UCSB, I remember his freshman year he used to laugh about this guy who when he would go to the mess hall, afterward he would be like “dude, I ate five hamburgers at lunch today” like he had to be a hero about all the burgers he ate, and later that night, he’d be all drunk and like be like “dude I drank 16 beers,” and merlinski would be like shaking his head like “dude, you’re such a hero” and it would be like the guy would be all stoked not realizing what a fukn jackass he was.

Alright I guess this piece of shit’s ready to submit to the rhesus monkeys for editing. Peace.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Posted 1:42 PM by Alfred

I’ve got so much shit to do and the morning’s minutes are rapidly ticking away towards the inevitability in a good way that is lunch time but the inexorable quality of grandma moses’s determination will never stop me from hollering at my shot callers like a true muthafuckin’ OG so here I am.

Wuddup?

Fuk have I mentioned that e-machines corporation can lick my scrotum? Jesus, exchanged the new pennyworth supercomputer last night as it was, like, the sound was fuuuuckkked and ok here I think, brand new box, brand new sound, but no, get it home & hook it up, and same old shit, and I know it ain’t the muthafuckin speakers cuz the sound comes out fucked outta the headphones too, sucka, so don’t even try.

I’m thinking the store must have got a batch with some fucked soundcards. Now I gotta call said store and use my disgruntled customer voice rather than the original still satisfied customer that is having a slight problem that was in use yesterday. Yo bitches your stock is infected, you’s got some fukn mad sound card disease running through the warehouse or some shit.

What the fuck ever.

And don’t even gimme shit about buying an e-machine. Fuk, I ain’t gonna shell out maaadd flow for an intel 4 and I sure as hell ain’t slagging away on a muthafuckn celeron and sony vaio and their fancy ass shit can slurp the Johnson stack.

Ok I’m talking outta my ass and don’t know jack shit about computers.

So how bout those dodgers? Fuk I think they’re sucking. Fuck the giants.

So yeah I just had to answer the phone. Fuk that thing.

So I picked up the ataris album last night. It’s good. And fuck you if you think I’m some commercial little ho for buying some mtv pumped album. Whut the fuk are you listening to? The fukn jethro van mackeltstein 1812 oratory orchestra transcribes werewolf malone’s violin solos? Yeah you’re so fukn underground.

I wasn’t even considering buying the ataris, I was actually leaning toward the intellivisions.

(dead silence)

ok um actually the joke was going to transition into, um, what? Oh yeah, the song that lured me in & initiated said purchase was that cover of boys of summer. Damn that shit is sick, dog. I mean, I’m a sucka for that old Don Henley jam (was that the fucker’s name? – doesn’t sound right) anyway – that deuschbag from the eagles, that like some other band used to rag on him all the time but I can’t remember the exact circumstances. Anyway – loved that old song. And the cover is bad ass. I like cover songs where like the fukn artist like reinterprets it or some shit like that (insert serious musical educated commentary here) and yes, that is why Alaskan sheepdogs are much more furry than the Antarctic versions.

As I stood in tower records, it was either the ataris or 50 cent. Yes I am not uber. Whatever the fuk that means.

Jesus the real kool keith would slap me like a little ho. “50 cent?? Get the fuk outta here you little celery eating bitch.”

And I really wouldn’t be able to argue.

It’s cool though. And speaking of which, in reality, I’m not a big celery fan, I much prefer carrots. Chuuuucchhh. Hey I never promised you a muthafuckin rose garden, contingent, remember that & we’ll be copacetic.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Posted 1:27 PM by Alfred

Well fukn cal got the ass-handers award big time this weekend courtesy of some punk ass (tsk tsk) wild cats outta mannhattan Kansas. Yeah that’s what I said, who the fuk ever heard of mannhattan Kansas, but shit, what can you do, they fukn are bad asses when it comes to football.

Their running back and QB are straight up SICK as in not like “ow my stomach hurts” sick but as in “fukn bad ass beyond belief” sick. Shit, I don’t know which one’s got a better shot at the heisman but the way fukn cal looked, fukn the bad news bears could’ve fukn ran for a buck fitty on they asses. Naw ferreal Cal represented in a very minor way an got their asses handed to them on a silver fukn platter by a MUCH superior team who by looks from the first game (but let’s see what happens when they play some real competition) appear to be national championship contenders, at least that’s what the announcers who couldn’t keep their rock hard dee’s down drooling all over their asses and saying things about cal like “well this’ll be a good learning experience for Cal” and “they should hold their heads up high” and SHIT fukn they got their asses beat and sucked major ass don’t degrade them, but still I’m going to go against what I just said and say they looked pretty decent for a team that should have completely sucked, which they did.

So that’s all I’ll say about that. Go congratulate JG on his home team’s victory. Or wait until they play a real team, like, oh I don’t know, the Okeefenokee Swamp-Ticklers or some shit like that. Fuk, well yeah, I’m bitter. I felt good when I started writing this and now I’m pissed. Fukn cal. JG was really nice though, shit I would’ve mentioned that Cal’s starting QB’s lineup picture looks like he’s a fukn crackhead, but shit, he got on the field and made some good stuff happen.

Yes I know I’m boring you all to tears. Well piss off then.

OK here’s where the post starts for those that don’t give a flying FUCK about cal football. Feel free to skip the above crap.

So that cal football is on a fukn one way train to suck-ASS-ville, ain’t they though??

You can’t get outta listening to me talk shit about cal, don’t you know that by now sucka?

Ok I’m done. What else? Hmmm, fuk that’s about it for now. Suddenly I’m over it. I’ll try and post something that doesn’t totally suck donkey ass-balls later on, like maybe in like 200 years, when Cal’s first string can put up a good game against like Harvard’s girls’ tether ball team.

Ok that was just fukn stupid.

Props to the Kansas State Wildcats. Those damn goat-fuckers.

So next week Southern Mississippi comes to Cal to kick some more bear scrotum. Or maybe not, maybe victory will be at hand, and not just for play, never know.

A lot of people would reread the above paragraphs, wonder why they ever relived such a nightmare of both memory & quality, and decide to immediately notify the garbage man. Not me, kids, I’m the CeRtAiN kind of joker malone that, shit, whatever. Aloha.

There must be something else of interest to tell you. hmmm. We got a new computer at the casa, which is pretty kick ass, but the sound is all fucked up, so we’ll probably have to return it, which makes jack a dull & pissed boy. Also, there was like, um, a football game I watched, which ended badly. Oh & we ate some good fukn thai food last night. It was really hot, and I handled it in a more professional OG manner than Mrs. P, so she is now the new gringa and I am an official non haole/gringo and new honorary Mexican for my ability to withstand extreme chiles & garlic and shrimp concoctions brewed by the Kaneohe thai masters contingent.

I was gonna write something really deep today, but shit, I'm feeling inconsequential, well, not inconsequential, it's just like, shit, why invest the energy in delving into deep thoughts at the tail end of some lame sports post which nobody except for the president of the word-that-shall-not-be-uttered mercado and his number one sales associate named herman v. vanderwilder will even fukn read anyway. or something the fuck like that. cut me a break people, this shit is free right? so go on with your day and forget about this rumble in the space time whatever the fuck they call it.

Oh & bazooka joe said hi.