Friday, July 26, 2002

On yesterday's news I saw that some dumbass people in California were having a wedding for their two fricken horses. I can just see the invitation for that one.

Please join us on this day of love and wonder
as Hazelnut and Whiffleberry link their manes in holy matrimony
grazing at the horse trough to follow ceremony

what the hell is going on with America when we have time to set up a friken horse wedding?????

I mean shit people, are your lives so empty and boring and inconsequential that you've given up on any semblance of romance and happiness and therefore you marry two fokken horses and that makes you feel better?

why does this bother me so much? Aaargh.

I guess I'm in a bad mood because I was shut off of the internet for most of the day by junk-ass Verizon. That explains the lack of quality in today's post and the salty attitude.

On a positive note, I did see the new Austin Powers movie last night and it is hilarious. hilarious. I mean, I laughed my ass off. That's all I'll say, I don't want to ruin it, and I think I kind of suck as a movie reviewer anyway. I'm too positive. I'm too eager to enjoy my investment. The last movie I saw in the theatre that I thought sucked super super hard was Random Hearts, a Harrison Ford movie a couple years back. Now that was fukn stupid. Some stupid crap about two people that were having an affair and then they die in an airplane crash together. So the spouses figure it all out from the evidence, the seating chart and stuff, after the crash, and they have to deal with the emotional whatever, conflicting feelings etcetera. Sounds like a good idea right? Wrong. It sucked. Not even the slightest bit entertaining, boring as hell, suck factor 8 million.

In fact, the only movie I think I ever walked out on was Roger and Me. This was Michael Moore's analysis of the destruction to society caused by GM closing one of their Auto plants or something like that. I know it was like deep social commentary, but it was so friken boring, so me and my friends walked out early. I was a little extra annoyed at the overall crappiness, that I decided I'd voice my displeasure by going and pissing all over the wall of the handicapped stall in the men's room. Looking back, I think I was really making a statement about corporate greed and big money politics. Bear in mind please that this was 1989 and I was 17 years old. These days I would piss all over the regular toilet stall as I have a deep sentiment for the handicapped.

Which reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George rides the handi-mobile, ya know, those Rascals, those little wheelchair scooters, because he's pretending he's injured on the job. Classic. Every time I see one of those rascals or whatever they're called, I think in my head, they should call that a George-Mobile. There's the classic scene where the mob of senior citizens is chasing him down on their Rascals. good times. I saw the most pimped-out Rascal yesterday, this old lady had all these wind catchers mounted all over, flags, the only thing missing was chrome and a giant exhaust pipe.

Anyway, Austin Powers is funny. The only thing is I thought Beyonce kind of sucked. She was like, that person in a movie that when they talk, the movie comes to a grinding halt because it sounds like they're just reading off of a cue card. but that was just me. Roger Ebert, I'm not. I ain't even Siskel. I'm just a guy.

OK this wasn't my best blog entry, and that's.... OK. I know I'll do better next time. Cuz I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me.

And with that my faithful reader(s) I bid you adieu until Monday.


Thursday, July 25, 2002


Master Dick. What a pleasant surprise.

So, uh, how's everything going in Hawaii?

Splendid, Master Dick. It's all good, as you youngsters say.

How's the wife?

Great, Master Robin, she puts a skip in my step and a song in my heart.

That's awesome Alfred.

And how is everything at stately Wayne Manor?

Ah, it's alright. Bruce is all pissed cuz I kinda put the batcomputer out of commission.

Yes, hmmm. I heard about that.

I mean, I know I'm not supposed to look at porn, but Alfred, there ain't shit to do around here! Aunt Harriet is so frikken medicated she doesn't even know who we are half the time, and Bruce, jeez Alfred, Bruce is...

Bruce is what, Robin?

Bruce is losing it. He thinks the Joker's in the Batcave. He's afraid to go down there anymore. So now we've got the Batmobile parked out back by the swimming pool, and we peel out of the Wayne driveway when we go on patrol. We've been lucky so far, but shit, Alfred, our cover is this close to getting blown.

Oh dear. I'll try to talk to him, Dick.

Yeah, please. Bruce has set up the new crimelab in the kitchen, so he's mixing dangerous chemicals while he's munching Capn Crunch, and the state of mind he's in, I'm afraid to eat anything out of there now. Who knows what's in the tupperware in the fridge? All I eat is Jack in the Box. I hit the drive through in my Robin-Cycle. It's embaressing Alfred. That little outfit I have to wear, and I'm starting to get a gut on me from all those Jumbo Jacks and chili fries.

Hmmm. What about Batgirl, maybe you guys can do an intervention on Bruce or something?

Batgirl is off her rocker too, Alfred. Ever since you left, she doesn't even fight crime anymore, she's stripping!! Catwoman talked her into it. I think she's smoking ice, too. It's not a good scene.

Oh my. Maybe you should come out here for a while, Master Robin, that doesn't sound like a good environment for you.

Yeah. It's not. I mean, the other night the bat signal came on, and I was ready for some action, and Bruce was like "fuk it, let's go get some Haagen Daz." So we ate ice cream, and hear later on the news that Mr. Freeze set free like 10 elephants from the zoo. Bruce started laughing like a lunatic, and then he started crying, saying he saw the Joker behind the grandfather clock. Dark days over here, Alfred.

I wish I knew what to tell you Dick. I'll call Master Bruce later this week, I promise.

I'd really appreciate it. Anyway, I should go. It's time for Aunt Harriet's Zanex.

OK Master Dick, good luck.

Thanks Alfred.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

I just bumped into this guy's blog today, and he is hilarious. His name's Jim Treacher. Check out his cartoons as well as this. It's an acrobat file of a Superman/Batman comic in which they homo out, kind of like the ambiguously gay duo from SNL. All the art is straight out of an old comic, but this guy changed all the words.

If you know what it feels like to watch your favorite sports team make the stupidest trade in the world, you'll get a kick out of this column, in which the sports guy laments the Celtics picking up Vin Baker. Ha ha fuk the Celtics.

My whole people I can't forgive entry has made me a little salty. Just thinking about E-40, and how he couldn't even bust some decent rhymes for the Hawaiian contingent, it just gets my blood boiling.

So I'm listening to Dio and ya know what? Ronnie James just makes the hurt go away.

I realized last night that there are two people I don't think I can ever forgive.

Now I'm a pretty understanding person, and I know that people fuk up, and that life is a journey not a destination, and all that crap. Point being that I recognize that I have a shitload of faults and so do others and I need forgiveness and thus should cough it up for others.

OK back to my point. Two people that I'll stay a little bitter at forever.

The first is the ref that made that fucked up call in the Raiders-Patriots "snow game" in last years playoffs. I know I've harped on it here in this space before, but that was such an easy call, and he had all the time in the world with his little replay tent over his head and still fucked it up. At least I look back on that experience as an enjoyable one though. Even though that deuschbag fucked up the Raiders victory and what would have been a triumphant march to the Super Bowl and a trouncing of the Rams, I still look back fondly on the experience of watching the game. I mean when was the last time we saw a playoff game, and a good one at that, played in the snow on live TV. It was beautiful, it was spine-tingling, it had a certain jene se quoi that begs to be dissected, analyzed, and then thrown in a vat of acid and broken down to its microscopic components.

Anyway. OK, now the second person I can never forgive doesn't even qualify for the "at least it was a pleasant time" exception. This person subjected me to a night of dashed expectations, embaressment, mockery, and utter disdain. This person's name is E-40.

E-40 is this big fat piece of shit rapper from the East Bay Oakland area. Him and his crew were in Hawaii for a show about a year and a half ago. I had just picked up one of his used CD's, and was bumping it, enjoying it, and got stoked about seeing his show. The venue should have been my first warning sign. Gussie L'Amours is a sleazy bar slash pool hall slash nightclub that caters to the lowest common denominator and then expects them to drop their standards. Situated right down the street from the airport, it's a den of gamblers, thieves, desperate perverts, lonely agoraphobics, and straight-up villains. Every Tuesday night they have an oil-wrestling contest. So this is your scenario.

I conned my wife, my friend, and his girlfriend into attending this fiasco. I mean the tickets were only ten bucks, so I was like, c'mon, it's forty-water!! and I got all excited about it, talked nonstop about how I couldn't wait, starting talking like E-40, the whole nine yards. So long story short, the show is supposed to start at 8 PM, but this pile of shit doesn't take the stage until about 1:30 AM, performs for about fifteen minutes, and then exits stage left. No encore, no extended remix, no nothing. Just straight vaseline. And the 15 minutes he did perform sucked ass so hardcore, you could barely understand him, there were like 50 people onstage all rapping at once, and shitty ass e-40 was mumbling, barely able to stand up, and probably shit drunk. We were all wasted off our asses by this time, too, after sitting for five hours with the foulest degenerates on the island waiting for the whackest-ass MC in the land to perform the saddest show of all time. Everybody thought I was a frikken dumb-ass for dragging them to this shithole to watch this shitbag keep everybody waiting all night and lay an egg onstage.

So fuk you E-40. I just can't find it in my heart, buddy. I hope you go broke and I see you selling bags of oranges at the freeway offramp. I'll toss a nickel your way and be like "wassup?"

But I'm not bitter or anything.

Cuz I'm a positive, get along gang, kind of guy.

PS. c'mon Dodgers let's get a little winning streak going. You've been sucking ass since the all-star break.


oh little coffee bean. Forget all those nasty things I said about you yesterday. You're a good little trooper, and don't let that bad man make you feel any less proud of yourself. Hold your head high, your eyes wide open, and keep that heart racing mi pequenito, because you make the world go around.

In a better mood this morning. A cool thing about Hawaii is we have some killer local coffee. Currently running point in the Pennyworth coffee maker is Lion's Thai Mocha, and it's making some noise in the household record books, for taste, consistency, and wakefullness factor, lemme tell you. It's da winnas.

Hung out with my buddy G-dog last night and got to check out the new DJ Shadow record. Damn it is outstanding. Definitely gotta pick that up. Chilled out, drank some brewskies and listened to the muzak. I was lucky enough to see Shadow spin live at the Wave Waikiki a couple years back, and let me tell you he's the real deal, a dj with a unique vision of what he wants to do that doesn't follow the crowd in the slightest.

Got a chance to hear the new Chili Peppers CD yesterday too. Some very very good songs on there, but as a whole it sounded a little too mellow to me. Like I said, there's some gems on there though. And it does rock out at moments, but, well, you know. Solid effort though, based on one listen.

Bumping a cool Q-Bert mix of DJ Shadow cuts that I found hidden away in my CD stack this morning. It sounds nice!

Well, I got shit to do and I feel like I'm just kind of babbling, so laters.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

I've got a little time before ducking out of the office. The presentation at the governors' mansion was a fukn nightmare fiasco. Govna Ben was drunk off his ass. He drank three bowls of squid testicle stew, made a rambling, bizarre, profanity-laced speech to the assembled dignitaries and press, and then vomited behind his podium. His assistants and lackeys proceeded to usher him out a secret trapdoor behind the giant tapestry of King Kamehameha.

Suddenly all I want to listen to is Iron Maiden. The only CD I have is Seventh son of a seventh son. All the other albums are on vinyl at my parents' house in California. Number of the Beast, Piece of Mind, Powerslave. Gotta pick up CD's this weekend. I think I'm turning back into a hesher.


Well I decided I'd try to start weaning myself off of coffee today. And you know what? Fuk you.

I'm feeling cranky and tired. Coffee is the fukn devil incarnate. I'm gonna switch to every other day for a while, but be patient my peoples, as I will be an every other day salty joe kind of guy.

I just can't seem to open my eyes all the way. It's like a big gorilla is standing on my eyelids and waving around a rotten banana peel, pissing all over the place in a random configruation, making almost concentric circles on the wall. Well, I guess it's not really like that, but that sounded interesting so whatever.

Well I'm not gonna be around here too much today. Usually I'm the inside man at the skunkworks, but I'll be out in the field. Part of the skunkworks' public relations program. I have to go out and do product samples of skunkwork merchandise and generally kiss ass. First stop will be the governor's mansion. Ben Cayetano is a corrupt, good ol' boy Hawaii Democrat, with a penchant for squid testicle stew, so we're brewing up a hearty batch in the skunkworks' commissary at this moment. I don't touch the stuff normally, but I'll have to slop it down and smile for the camera.

Just cuz you used to be fukn Batman's butler everybody wants a goddamm piece.

Monday, July 22, 2002

OK kids - pop quiz!! Which Peanuts character are you??

I am Snoopy

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

well well well, that's fairly accurate. Hey, why not even leave a shout-out and share with the class what peanuts character you ended up as? c'mon, fun fun fun!!! Don't be a spoil-sport. First one's free, kid, everybody's doing it, be a team player, win this one for the gipper!!

Link courtesy of Dawn Olsen.

Bumping Iron Maiden - 7th son of a 7th son - and drinking Coffee. I think I might be turning into a "coffee achiever." Coffee is kind of evil. I never used to drink it, but now we brew up a little pot almost every morning, and I feel myself getting more and more sleepy in the mornings and needing that pick-me-up more often. Damn that little Columbian guy and his burro!! Damn them!!!!

Saw Road to Perdition, that new Tom Hanks / Paul Newman movie, this weekend. Good but fukn dark as hell. This is not a movie to go see if you're currently contemplating suicide and looking for a pick-me-up. Tom Hanks kills like twenty people and is pretty fukn bad ass. I had to keep reminding myself that this was the same wacky guy from Bosom Buddies and Bachelor Party.

After the movie we decided to hit up our favorite restaurant, Azteca, which slangs the best Mexican grinds on the island. Hidden away on Wailae in the Kaimuki district of Honolulu, this place is the bomb-bucha. Chomped on a taco/enchilada/chile relleno plate, sucked down a couple stawberry margies, and was feelin nice. The capper is that there's a comic store right next door, so a comic geek like me can wander around and check out all the new dorky crap and digest a phat meal, all withing stumbling distance. Bee-yoo-tiful!!!

There's two comics I'm reading right now. Back in junior high, I used to by a shitload of comic books, but I keep myself to two or three a month, now. Anyway right now I'm reading Daredevil and Incredible Hulk. Coincidence that these are the next two Marvel comic movies coming out? I tell myself so, but my subconscious is a slimy, slithery, tricky and dastardly piece of shit, and I don't trust it as far as I can shotput it. Which isn't very far, cuz it's really, uh, heavy. Cuz I'm like such a deep person, ya know, on so many, like, levels, and stuff.

Oh speaking of dorky comic book movie stuff, I read this weekend that they're gonna make a Batman vs. Superman movie. Cool!

Watched some of the British Open yesterday morning, as I had nothing better to do. Golf is so fukn boring to watch on TV. Ernie Els, from South Africa, won. Every time I see a white guy from South Africa it makes me think, does that guy feel guilty for what they did to that country, for apartheid and everything? Then I remember that the USA basically stole all the land from the Indians, and then basically stole all the land from the Hawaiians, and then I started getting to feeling guilty, so I was like, fuck golf!

Anyway, that's it for now. Still rocking Iron Maiden and eyeing Dio's Holy Diver for next at bat, yours in rock, Alfred "Goatsblood" Pennyworth.