Friday, September 27, 2002

10 (of 50?) things you might not have known about living hawaii -

1. take shoes or slippers off before come in house.
2. you're not "done" or "finished" - you're "pau"
3. every time there's an election, people stand at the side of the road and wave and give you the shakha sign with all their supporters holding up signs and waving and being goofballs. and you honk at them in support. i usually honk at them and shoot my squirtgun, which usually they like (hot weather) but sometimes they don't (wicked witch)
4. let's see, uh, there really ARE a shitload of rainbows. a SHITLOAD. and they're all super crip.
5. a big local sport is outrigger canoeing. all the cities and areas have their own clubs, which have full on meets and whatevahs.
6. plate lunches - local fast food. two scoops rice, macaroni salad, and an entree, stuff like bbq chicken and beef, chicken katsu, spareribs, etc.
7. Business attire for even the biggest shot executives is slacks and aloha shirt. Only lawyers and other villains wear suits in hawaii. Oh yeah, and the head news anchor on the news.
8. All the most important business, at least in my office, goes on in the morning. We're 3 hours back of the west coast, and 6 hours back of the east coast. We gotta get crackin early and take care of the dillio. Afternoon more kick-back, catch up on stuff.
9. the natatorium in waikiki, across from Kapiolani park, is a historic monument, a war memorial, and was the home to some up the biggest meets in swimming. It was the home pool of Duke Kahanamoku, who was a multiple gold-medal winner and in the movies, the same time that that Tarzan guy - Weismuller - was the other big swimmer dude. Swimmin was it, and hawaii's all about being a waterman - a man of la oceana. Um. Ok. Oh yeah, the point being, it's abandoned and gated off now and there's all this controversy about how they should repair it or what not. People sneak in and jump in the water, but you get stung by jellyfish. It's a salt water pool right on the ocean that lets in the ocean water and regulates it for a pool. Crip, huh? But it's all fucked up. Oooookaayyyy t.m.i. exuse - on to new business
10. they call Friday "Aloha Friday" and all the newscasters on tv wear aloha shirts. Pau work early usually and start the weekend off right with frosty ones.

serenity now. serenity now. serenity now.

it is just one of those PHUCKIN mornings. can't wait for lunch so i can go home and beat the living FUCK out of my bunnyrabbit, geronimo. that'll make me feel much better.

too much negative energy right now, so i'm gonna sign off and be back later.

I HAD planned a whole aloha friday theme today, and 50 things you might not have known about living hawaii, but the mood of the day is leaning more towards 50 reasons i want to climb up a clock tower with a rifle and start letting off rounds.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

wussup chilling/working after grinding some kfc chicken/biscuit action. I also just reloaded my custom robotic panasonic 5 disc player. They were as follows. cmon children it's not so hard, just follow the yellow brick road.

And don't call me Shirley.

Last 5:

Eminem - The Eminem Show

Quiet Riot - The Randy Rhoads Years

Nas - Stillmatic

Iron Maiden - Powerslave

Cypress Hill - Stoned Raiders

Those cd's were like a splash of fresh perfume wafted just beyond the prime nose sensors, lingering like a whale at a buffet, harpooning mad dishes of ethereal marshmallows for that great roast that whether you know it or not, cowboy, it's coming. It's coming with a vengeance born of st. peter, left, right, posterior, anterior, and sucking apart all it encounters in a vortex of doom not even comprehended by early 40's pterodactyl. i mean, if the blowfish wants a ride to the graveyard, who am i to stand in the way of a jack russel terrier torching shotgun, kicks on the counter, idling by in neutral mode for eon on eon on on tv, but after selec. and after intellivision
special promo space invaders and tecmo bowl. if that's your cup of tea joe or metamucil. The art to your left and right, and the reason I have to spew brain matter for a little while longer, to take up the necessary space for them to nestle, is from the super-fantastic crossover story between batman's team, the outsiders, and robin's team, the teen titans, to battle a menace of simply incredulous proportions. The covers make a complete picture when put together, so use your imagination, kids, and move those blocks in your mind, feel the spiked boot of cold cruel reality settle on you when you realize that a polyhedron can be particulary dangerous around noontime.
Next 5:

Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty

No Doubt - The Beacon Street Collection

Cypress Hill - Skull & Bones (Skull disc)

Morrissey - Vauxhall and I

Kool Moe Dee - How Ya Like Me Now

ok i have to write a bunch more crap to make this look right, going with aesthetics over content today, folks. way too much content roun' these parts than what this community cares fer, to tell you the honest truth, mm-hmmmm. i mean, used to be a man could drag his tractor crawler from sun up till sun down and wouldn't be anybody else to say whisker but an old prison nurse waddling down in front of the donut shop. now that's not the shabookieville squadroneers the way i once knew em! it dang ain't. i mean the last storm that went through here, there were snakes and rabbits and possums, all makin' sex like, right there in the meadow. it was a profane sight and i'll carry it with me in my cranium till the day i meet the ol sunny brook farm cattle keeper known as yawhey. yawhy? cuz I yasaid so ya insane clown shoed son of a goatless mother.

yodelay. well i mentioned it yesterday, but i wanted to mention it again and give some mad props and thanks, to the hosemonster. the post he wrote about my little blog was probably the nicest thing anyone's written about me, it's hanging on the frigerator next to the snapshot of my old hamster gershwin. i've been pouring out liquor for her since the 2nd grade, and now i've gotta pour some for my non-dead homey, just to, ya know, rep the living, which i think is important.

for those that don't know, let me break it down. the hm & i (and i'm just guessing and surmising, well, actually i called madame cleo) found the busblog at about the same time, through the same eric neel column on espn page 2. we both were tripping out and like "shit this is the chronic boobonic" or something like that, well i was. anyway, so the hm is a pretty smart dude, so he's like, "dang i could do that shit" and hooks up with blogger, and just starts bloggin up like a madman. ok so, anyway, tony is making a list of 100 blogs that will link him or else he quits blogging. i'm like fuk that, i'll just open a blog and link him to help out the cause. so then i fave this forum. and i start typing shit in it.

so anyway tony had a list, and then i was on it, and i was like yipee i'm linked somewhere, and i was number 58 or something and hoseman was 53, so i'm clicking through the other blogs around me, blah, politics, some lady whining about her abdominator isn't doing jack shit, a hardcore milwaukee brewers fan, and then there it was. the hoseman. he was like a vision reborn of an anthologists slightly disturbing after midnight dream of ultimate clarity yet burgeoning machismo, combined with mad fraternizing with integral anomalies. it was the hoseman.

ok so anyway, (dammit i'm rambling) i start reading him, i basically just read him and tony for a while after that, and then i see him going through the same growth spurts as me and i think, this guy has no idea i exist, but i'm going through the same shit! so i e-mail him and he e-mails back saying damn that's cool, you're the first person that doesn't know me to bump into this blog and read me and it was like, richie cunninghams' older brother chuck giving advice on a basketaball court, but i was ralph and he was potsie, and chachi was underneath the car dreaming about joanie. seriously.

so read the hoseman cuz from his founding statement to his trip to ed debevic's to his obsession with toiletry he is the ultimate renaissance man.


Wednesday, September 25, 2002

well hello there blogland. as you can plainly see unless it's been fixed in the meantime, my shout outs are not working today. which bummed me out, because a few people had said some really nice things in response to my little whiny "why am i blogging" entry from yesterday, and i was curious, in my ego stroking fashion, to check if anyone else had thrown in their 2 cents. in fact, the hosemonster even blogged about me yesterday, which had me grinning from ear to ear like the joker, except i wasn't killing anyone and cackling like a demonic rooster. do roosters cackle? i wanted to say hyena, but i think i've been using that word too much lately. anyway, back to hosemonster. he mentions how we kicked down the doors of bloggerville at roughly the same time with our one-two punch of high powered verbosity. that is the straight up truth. i see us like heckle and jeckle, except if one was a dog and one was a cat, but they didn't chase each other, but instead helped each other build a tree house and threw rotten eggs at all the squirrels. yeah that's it. that's exactly it.

ok. on to new business. what the fuck is jesse jackson smoking, snorting, and/or dilating his pupils with? whatever it is, it's highly toxic and hallucinogenic. this fukn guy, i swear, he doesn't even surprise me anymore. anyone hypocritical enough to offer sage words of moral advice to the president in his time of indiscretion and then head over to diddle his mistress and pat his bastard child on the head on the way out the door deserves my asshole of the week award. and if i don't award one next week, just assume he's the honorable recipient then as well.

what the fuck? is this guy the fukn definition of player-hater or am i just on the good ship lollypop? Barbershop is the number ONE movie in the country, the first time i can remember, and i'm more than open to correction, that a film with predominantly black characters and based on black culture has held such a spot. and whut does jesse do? bitch about it, find a flaw. now just to clarify, i haven't even seen the thing yet, but that doesn't affect the argument i'm going to put forth. so bear with me.

according to jesse, this movie is an insult to the black race and to freedom fighters everywhere because of certain jokes made about martin luther king jr. and other important figures. yes jesse, we know you marched with MLK Jr. Yes, he was a great man, a pinnacle of society that forwarded the ideas of equality, liberty, and sitting in the front of the bus. no argument there. and you're more than free to voice your displeasure. but to say that you feel the creators should CHANGE the movie for the dvd and video versions, ALTER their artistic vision of CHARACTERS who may or may not have nothing to do with the popular opinion of the country? jesus h. christ, jesse. this is fiction, this is a story, a movie. Whatever they're saying about MLK Jr., (i have no idea, really) i will stand by the creators' right to leave their art in the form they intended. They could say the meanest, most disgraceful, horrible, degenerate comments about this great man in history, and ya know whut? i would not stand in their way. In fact, i would fight for their right to do it. I think, for example, that ice-t should have never caved and taken "cop killer" off of that first Body Count album. and you know whut, in the end, the consumer decides what they find insulting, offensive, and or destructive. and the consumer votes with their wallet. and the benjamins have been heard.

jesse is just doing what he loves to do, and that is getting his name in the newspapers, on the television, and on the radio and internet. this is the same guy that said he'd take a sabattical from the public eye after all the fallout from his little side dish and their illegitimate child, and if i remember correctly, about a week or two later, he was back, babbling and protesting something. damn this guy annoys me. and doesn't he know that he's just increasing interest in the movie by calling all this attention to it? who knows, maybe the studio hired him for promotion, i just would not doubt it at this point. now i've really got to see this movie, just because jesse is telling me not to. but i'm the guy that thinks ice cube has softened up, so maybe i'm extreme, but i just can't think of anything they could say that would really offend me. I mean this guy wrote "fuck the police," "black korea" (in which he tells off overly suspicious asian store merchants), "horny lil devil", (in which he metaphorically chops a white guy's dick off for trying to hook up a black woman), and the list goes on and on. doesn't change his skill as an artist at presenting alternate views laced with phat beats. and that's what art is all about. alternate views presented in an appealing fashion for the attention of the masses.

ok end of rant. opinions anyone? if the shout outs still aren't working, feel free to e-mail me.


update: ok I actually (gasp) went to do some research and found this story. the producers of the movie actually apologized, and jesse still wants them to change the movie. the character that made the jokes in the movie (which are about MLK jr's alleged promiscuity and about Rosa Parks naacp connections) is immediately chastised and told to basically stuff it in the movie, and jesse still ain't happy. whut the fuk? you can't have an ignorant character in a movie? well jesse, let's take it a step further, shit, archie bunker, that guy was offensive, let's go back and change all of his racial slurs in All in the Family to nice, family friendly comments on the wonderful state of the world. does this IDIOT want every character in every movie to just fukn hold hands and sing small world after all for the rest of history? art imitates life, and i'm sorry, but in life, inappropriate things are said, done, and perpetrated every frikken day. I mean, i usually say at least four or five inappropriate things before i eat breakfast in the morning. doesn't make me a bad person. it makes me human. and that's what characters in our art should be, represenations of humans, not mindless automatons that always say and do the right thing in the public eye, and then after dark sneak across town and play hide the salami with your secretary. just because something is number one in the country, doesn't mean we have to scrub it down and get rid of the warts. we should celebrate the warts, because it means that maybe something with a little reality, a little soul, a little art, has squeaked through and hit the radar of the common mind.

ok? ok. i really have work to do. bye.

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

in response to my sudden and inexplicable concern regarding content, i have decided to try something out. my boss is out getting his hair cut, so I have time to breeze through the Honolulu Advertiser, our pathetic excuse for a local newspaper. I'll be checking in with my biting commentary on the news of the day when something interesting strikes me with that patented ultrablognetic wit and charm. ok here goes.

well i always start off with the sports page. let me finish my whopper and onion rings and i'll give you the highlights. patience daniel-san. well the bucs beat the rams last nite on monday night football. i actually got to catch some of it as i was over at my buddy's place quaffing beverages. luckily no one had told us the score. if you didn't know, one SHITTY thing about living hawaii is the phenomenon of the delayed sports broadcast. think about it, we're three hours ahead of the west coast. if they showed the game live, it would start at around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. so they delay it, but then there's always some deuschbag at the party smirking and smiling cuz he knows the score and he ruins it for everyone. usually i lure this person into the street and ritualistically impale them on a manhole cover. this is more difficult than it sounds.

anyway fuk the rams. they left cali and hit nellyville so they deserve what they get. what else, some article about some 79 year old local weightlifter, yeah real fukn interesting. Let's see, terrel "i have to be controversial for the sake of my commitment to scientology" owens is criticizing the 49ers coach for not running up the score on the redskins this weekend. please terrell, don't try to make a rivalry out of some preseason game in Japan, gimme a fukn break.

Barry "my head is the size of a mutant pumpkin but I'm not on steroids" Bonds is on pace to break the homerun record again. whatever. fuk him. i'm still holding out hope the dodgers will dig themselves out of their hole and catch up with them and deny barry the chance to choke on his own chicken in the playoffs, which you know he will.

ok I'm getting bored with this already so I'm just gonna go through the front page and tackle the real issues. hmmm, it seems that something is going on in Iraq. Something about the british prime minister agreeing that we should go to war with Iraq? whut? this is the first I heard about this. I thought saddam hussein got kicked out by the ayatollah khomeini. and weapons inspections? hmmm. oh well, I shouldn't worry, i'm sure george bush will do the right thing, he seems really smart. i mean, he didn't misspell "potato" or anything. and he's really good at not barfing on chinese people.

oh here we go on linda lingle, the gop's candidate for governor here in hawaii. I got fooled into thinking she had a chance 4 years ago, no more games, nkotb, not falling for that again. the democratic party has such a stranglehold on hawaii politics and power it's pathetic. it's basically a one-party system. and the best the republicans can offer is the same tired big-honkered lesbian hashish mascot from last time around? no dice kamehameha, no dice. and don't even say i'm anti-lesbian, because i'll have you know i voted for dukakis.

ah i'm tired of the front page. lots of words. let's check the real news. oh that beetle bailey, he is such a character. and that cat that sleeps a lot? priceless.

i'm a busy busy beaver and a hungry hungry hippo, as well as kind of total pile of donkey shit, so i'm gonna keep this short and sweet. or long and sour. do you sense a certain amount of uncertainty? or is that just the incense burning in my garage? i've been kind of wondering the last few days whut i'm really doing on this here blog. there just isn't any direction, any purpose, any overdefining governance or priority or mission statement. i don't really get into politics, not that i'm against the idea. does the fact that i'm not that interested preclude me from being interesting? now that's something to talk about. but not really.

i mean, you people that come here, what do you come for? to laugh? to cry? for my all knowing and philosophical approach to the processing and condensation of goats milk in modern day denmark? i mean, i never, almost ever, know whut i'm going to write in this space prior to my fingers hitting the keyboard. this blog is done in my spare moments between skunk dissections, and i try to get myself primed up to discuss some important issue or topic but i usually just end up babbling like a fukn gibbon on methamphetamines. it's hard, ya know, to clear my brain tubes whut with all the screaming coming from the lab.

aarrggghh. i just can't muster the energy today. i'm tired. my coffee is cold. my eyes are droopy. my candle is froopy. my name is jaloopy and i chill at camp snoopy. how fukn stupid was that? lame rhymes and not so good times. corkscrew chimes with a stack of dimes. basketball bluejeans with a neal diamond twist and a panache of pizza hut elephant tusk.

why? why not. and now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go check on my experiments.

Monday, September 23, 2002

it's not something that really needs to be elaborated on, because it is so painfully obvious, but holy shit did michael jackson ever fuck up his face. it is just plain spooky what incredibly low self-esteem and a scalpel can do when combined with tons of hard cash and a liz taylor fetish. Thanks to MaxPower for the link.

da internet is running so slow cuz, it's makin me all buckaloose. I mean fa real kine I'm gonna break yo face. Ok I'll stop trying to talk pidgen now, cuz I just don’t know how. Pidgen, for those not in the know, is the local style english dialect that emerged when lots of different races were coming to hawaii to work on the sugar plantations. They'd simplify and shorten certain english phrases to make it easier to understand, throw in some new words and made up slang, and through the years, it became the local kine speak that you hear all over the islands, brudda.

Well this is the first time in the history of ultrablognetic that I have to come in on a Monday morning with the foul taste of defeat in my mouth. There was absolutely no positive aspects to the weekend in football. Cal lost on a deflected last second pass attempt on a two point conversion at home against air force. The raiders didn't play, so no worries, but when the raiders don't play, my sole nfl amusement comes from hoping for a broncos defeat. This was not to be as they squeaked by the buffalo bills like the little bitches they are. The afc west is lookin like a real bitch with three teams, denver, san diego, and oakland undefeated. But you know what? That's ok. The raiders like the odds. Cuz I am now guaranteeing a raider victory against the shitnik denver pooncos. Whut will I do if the raiders lose you ask? Basically bitch and moan and talk more shit about the next game, but well, it makes me feel better, so that's all that matters, right? Well, maybe not, but well, maybe so.

The only other thing of note I have to say is that I saw some eskimo movie called the fast runner this weekend, which was an extremely good flick, but made me feel really cold in that air conditioned movie theater with my tank top on watching a bunch of people running around in the snow. I mean, why didn't those eskimos just leave that fukn ice bucket? Damn I would have. I would have been like, mom, dad, I know that we've been living on this fukn piece of ice for 500 years and shit, but I'm fukn cold, and well, later. Plus I'm tired of goddamn seal and walrus sandwiches for EVERY fukn meal. I mean there ain't even McDonalds here. Plus there's like evil spirits and our igloo is just so early 80's in décor and style, and shit dad, you haven't taken a bath in at least 3 moons. One cool thing was they had those trippy sunglasses that are just a piece of like walrus tusk or something with 2 little slits in them. Now those are neuvo trendy. Ya know like the ones that Captain Cold from the Legion of Doom wore. I mean if he was able to get out of the glacier, there's hope for everyone right? Right?