dr. doooom's answering machine

Ooohhkay I suppose I have time to dash off some piece of dog crap before quittin time.

This is literally just gonna type, yahoo whatev pic looks aight, post, and dash for the motocyclia para el journey home to I can encapsulate a space capsule capsizing in lake Caspian. Farrrrreal.

So anyway, the ball hit the ceiling but it really didn’t, I’m thinking that if I type a bunch of shit then the ceiling will collapse but in a benign fashion streaming out like these various balloons saying certain insignias like “news at 11” or stupid lines that inferior writers use over and over again in some strange attempt at humor factor.

Hmmm that reminds me of this weird nether region of the ol’ net I was in. stuff I’ve been checking. No need to name names, (she/he named names, you NAMED the NaMeLesS dammittttt.) oh no I didn’t, but so anyway this guy named (ahhh tricked ya) whatever his ass is on all these comic covers dressed up like conan and rom and shit like that and it is just sooooooo deep in the internet it scared me for a second, I was like, am I supposed to see this, am I supposed to know about this crap, is it like serious what these people are doing here?? And it was so entertaining but I just can’t tell you how to get there, sorry, I guess I’m the opposite of the true blogger who would whereby direct you to said facilities.

Well now that you think I’m a big pile of donkey shit, I shall indicate to your and the various other syndicates to have a very merry unweekday for the next couple days, as in you know, tank beers.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Posted 2:54 PM by Alfred

holy shit I did not know this!!!

Cal’s going up against Kansas State this Saturday, as in day after tomorrow, at KC’s Arrowhead stadium, Black Coaches Classic or some shit like that. Earliest season opener for Cal, like, EVER. oh, i'm on it like bubONIC.

This is dope, as in, Cal playing in a mouth watering center stage power house made for TV spectacular, oh wait what channel? Aaaahh yeah, espn bitches!! ain't barely any other games going on this time of year HOES.

First time ever meeting between the two teams. Bear in mind k-state is ranked #5. and cal is ranked, um, whut, #105??? Shit, we lost EVERYBODY from last season’s squad.

Ain’t no matter, time to regulate, shit warren G will be like DAMN!

Fuuuuuuuuck yeah. Time to stomp some pseudo-mannhattanite ASS.

Bow down to the mighty golden bears!!!

That means YOU, buddy!

(ok Cal will probably get stomped, but fuk it, season hasn’t started, which is the prime time to talk smack when you’re a golden bear fan). Thank you, your welcome, aloha.

NOTE: the above will all be blamed on a brain tumor if cal gets their asses kicked. Film at 11.

Posted 1:27 PM by Alfred

I kinda like it when people put me on hold, cuz it’s like a free pass to kinda chill out and just wait, oh um, hold on, gotta take this call.

Tanked beers and talked smack with homey g from la oficia last night. Good times, but shizbot, ya na mean? Nah you don’t, and I ain’t gonna go into details, least not here. Suffice to say on a totally different arena that after like the 4th round, I knew we were good to go, and I was wondering if the girl would be like, “another round?” like she had up to that point but I think she was appropriate when she said “so are you guys good?” cuz we were, and, ya know, fuk, back in the day I woulda had round 5 & 6, but I’m like a responsible something or other now a days with like a mad crop in the field that needs tending.

Damn coffee fukn cleans the pipes like roto-rooter. Be right back, biznass before triznatts. Don’t ask me what triznatts is, it’s a rhyme thang, na? I don’t have to explain shit. hmmm, that explain first came out ezplain, I fixed it, but I’m thinking ezplain works too.

Some fukn old bat just called our super secret never used line and I answered “hello” and she said “hi this is louise from church, may I speak to your mom?”

Whuuuut the fuck, do I sound like fukn alfalfa or some shit, damn bitch, yeah, hold on, hold on a fukn minute, yeah fukn hold on a fukn minute goddammit, yeah fukn hold on, bitch.

Nah, it wasn’t like an anger thing, it was like a funny thing, like ha-ha, not weird, but it was a little weird too.

And I wonder why nobody reads this crap.

Well not Nobody, I mean, actually a lot of people come here lately looking for Tom Green & Jackyl and Kool Keith, so they probably look at it for like 2.5 seconds and then move on so I can mark that in my tally as another conquest on the good ol’ innernet.

I am SO fukn proud of myself I just might yuke. Yuke meaning barf meaning hurl meaning regurgitate meaning my new diet plan.

I used to have like this backbone thang on the motorbike whereby I could strap my travel coffee mug on there and thereby & whereby have my coffee at work and still be like this gruffy husky scary deathblack Diablo type biker dude terrorizing women & children, but somebody roun’ here took it off cuz they thought it looked dorky so I’ve been lately like chugging my coffee before I head out the door BUT due to aforementioned beers last night I rode with homey in his truck leaving the bike at the shop and whereby with total wherewithal Mrs. P gave me a ride to work this morning in the alf-mobile and thereby & whereby and with full knowledge of said events I was able to bring into work with full disclosure my Zofran travel mug full of Kona coffee with sugar, milk and mixed with love. Don’t ask me whut the fuk Zofran is, I’m not on it, but I wouldn’t be adverse to poppin one or two if you got some on you since I hear they’re some kind of happy pill or some shit. just kiddin’. I’m not down with Zofran. If Zofran were OJ I definitely would not be considered like a parralellogram to AC Cowlings or some shit like that or whatever the fuk his name was. I wouldn’t even be like in the range of Marcus Allen or the president of Dingo boots even, it wouldn’t be, um, like that.

Um, speaking of OJ & Dingo boots, hopefully Mr. Jim Treacher won’t mind if I jack the masterpiece you see below, which he created, well he didn’t draw it, it’s an old comic ad, which I remember very well, but he did put in those not so nice yet disturbingly funny words, and well, it just really really amuses me, and I like to share, so enjoy. Yo treach lemme know if I’m like violating or some shit, and I’ll take it down in a heartbeat. Peeeeaccceee.

Ok now that I’ve most likely completely lost even the last person that may have been still reading this I will put it to the death that it so richly deserves. Assalamalakum.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Posted 12:33 PM by Alfred

I may be slightly insane but I’m thinking a collaboration album with Morissey and Big Pun would have blown up the fucking charts. Can you imagine “last of the famous international playboys” with like a breakbeat in the middle and just a fukn sick ass verse from the Puerto Rock on like how he’s the last international playboy and how he’s gonna like skullfuck anybody that says different, and with Morrissey doing his la-dee-dah thang in the background? SHIT that would be fucking pimp.

Too bad Big Pun’s dead and that shit’ll never happen. I can’t think of another rap star that would fit into the scenario of kickin off a flow with the ex Smith’s frontman.

This morning I was wishing I had a digital camera because when I rode the motorcycle into the shop I went through a puddle and it left a really interesting pair of trails behind it, first in a straight line, but then the trail from the front tire veering off and then crossing the back trail again. The view through the sliding glass door with like maybe a hint of glare would have been fan-fucking-tabulous.

Five minutes ago it was pouring rain and the sun was shining sure as shit. does that all the fukn time out here. Takes you a little while to get used to it. rain’s gone now and so is my chance for that killer picture as the trails have dried up and so is the chance for the musical collaboration of all time cuz big pun had a big ol' fukn heart attack.

I’m really not happy about this whole little kid group with baby pun and lil benzino or whatever and some other little kid. Let these kids have normal lives, or at least fukn benzino just cuz you own source magazine and the fukn frontal cash advantage to prop up your own weak ass shit albums that I’ve never listened to but judge nonetheless, um where was I, just let your kid cruise. Fuk I don’t know where I was going with this. Lil bow wow is named just bow wow now & he’s trying to look pretty hardcore on his album cover, but shit dog, hope you saved your milkbones, cuz the 15 minutes is up. And shit, with that line of thinking, maybe lil benzino and the crew should stack up some chips. in five years all these kids will be like old and try to come up with a super group of like the faded child rap stars and some a&r will champion the cause and some record company will lose bankloads of money, cuz shit, might as well get fukn leif garret and fukn davey jones in the studio as those little fucktards once they've passed puberty. I mean when was the last time you heard from kriss-kross? shit speaking of which I saw a kid wearing his jeans backwards the other day. flipped my frikken lid dawg.

So um, yeah, big pun & Morrissey, that would have made millions, millions I’m telling you, cuz you’d get all the emo’s and the ghetto bastards all lined up to see whut the fuck was going on, kroq would be cumming in their sweat socks just at the rumor of it, fukn all the hip hop dj’s would at first say it was dogshit and then come slurping up the remains of the day and then pronounce it the most ingenius move of either man’s career. sidenote: is morrissey considered emo? I confess herein to throwing around a term I know little about. Now elmo, i know plenty about that raggedy little fuck. Yo, I've met grover, and Elmo, let me tell you, you are no Grover.

And fuck imagine if they’d gotten randy rhoads to play guitar on that shit, give it a little 80’s metal twist? Ok ok, shit you’re right, ok, that wouldn’t have really worked, you caught me, I’m trying to just interject Mr. Rhoads into a situation that would have really more called for that guy from the smiths,

marrs or whatever his name was, I mean, 80’s metal wouldn’t have worked, although Rhoads could have changed up, shit, imagine where he would have taken the art of axe-grinding if he was still alive today? Main oh main I shudder & flutter to think. Would have been crip. Damn maybe Randy would have made a fine addition, and SHIT they could have had Ozzy come on for just one song, just one damn song, fukn do a mish mash of sing your life and Mr. Crowley, a fukn duet. SHIT! fuk why do people gotta die?

Damn if people could get paid phat money to coordinate albums with dead people prominently featured I would be in the fukn cash flow mein freunds. Unfortunately I can’t think of anyone alive that could pull this shit off. You gonna put fukn Fabolous up there with Morrissey? Oh hell no. Ja Rule? 50 Cent? Snoop? Gimme a fukn break. I’d put Nell Carter up there over Nelly. Ok MAYBE Snoop could pull it off. Nah. It would have to be Big Pun.

Hmmmm. I think I’ll go ponder this over some pizza.

That’s just something to say to end the post though, I ain’t gonna eat any pizza right now, but I will refill my glass of water, which isn’t nearly as exciting, but you know, keeping properly hydrated is important.

OK ossifer I did my public service announcement for the day now can we lose the ankle monitor and maybe do some fukn shots of beam? Shit man, the desert is dry but my palate needs some quenching.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Posted 6:05 PM by Alfred

Ah here’s to good friends, tonite is kinda special.

Especially fucked up.

What can I say of any consequence and/or entertainment value when there’s so much heavy shit going on in the world today?

They bombed the UN in Iraq. They bombed another bus full of orthodox Jews near East Jerusalem.

But really doe, don’t come here for news. Come for distorted ass retorts and commentary on it.

Or not.

Shit stuff is majorly fucked up. As in Lee Majors.

Yeah dude, really cool. Make jokes about the 6 million dollar man while young kids are in critical who just wanted to get down to grandma’s house & eat some cookies.

I have it oh so fuckin good and all I can do is talk shit and be uninformed and have bullshit opinions and bitch and moan and complain and fret over only having 5 dollars instead of 7.

I am a hoochbag in a fruit salad sandwich.

This is oh so stupid.

I have nothing of value to give you today fair reader(s). hearty apologies. I just can’t go lah-dee-dah and pretend that shit is cool, cuz shit is fucked.

And I got work to do and it’s just news on the internet, it’s not real right? Only it is, and it’s so obvious, that why am I saying it?

Why are you here? Don’t you feel guilty for not looking at the hard hitting news, not soaking up the blood in your noggin?

I watched freddy vs. Jason last nite and there was a shit load of blood. I wonder which had more, that bus bombing or the movie.

That’s a pretty fucked up thing to wonder.

I guess I’m pretty fucked up.

I blame it on gangster rap.

There was a part of the movie where some character said “they’re pulling a columbine” or some shit like that. I found it interesting that “columbine” has entered our lexicon to the degree that it’s like a catch word to mean kill everyone & then kill yourself. That we can joke about something so morbid. What’s the statute of limitation on gravity of a situation?

Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhhh. The pressure of this forum. The self-induced expectation of saying something both pithy & comforting in times of whatever bad stuff is going on. Fuck it, people see you as a fukn clown anyway, keith, so don’t even try to like, be fukn whatever, ok? Just type. It’s therapeutic. It soothes what ails ya.

I’m really hoping to go camping in the very near future.

Please don’t think I’m evil. I’m just an idiot with ten fingers a keyboard and an inability to shut my cornhole.

Aloha.

Posted 1:20 PM by Alfred

I wanna be deep and I wanna be shallow. Sometimes I rhyme slow sometimes I rhyme quick. (nice n smooth, for the og’s)

I like that trevor’s back in the saddle. I also like that he can put up a picture of big pun and not try to dress it up, just call it what it is, a picture of big pun, ya know, just put it up and say “here’s a picture of big pun.”

Fukn brilliantly understated yet totally complete. The kinda shit that I only dream about. I overstate, I manipulate words to the degree that they totally lose their meaning, review them, satisfied that no one will be able to glean any meaning from them whatsoever, find a picture that has absolutely nothing to do with what I wrote and then go on with my day content with the knowledge that I contributed (to what) to jack shit ville acres and the associated contingent, that’s what.

People keep coming here looking for kool keith. I’m not him folks. Well I am a version of the back alley subconscious version of like, an alter ego of batman’s butler. But I ain’t no rapper, check out true for that shit, fukn verses on top of hearses.

Speaking of bloggers with sick verses, whut the fuk happened to 3rd leg, ferreal? Does anybody know? Has anybody e-mailed homey, heard anything whatsoever, I hope the guy’s alive.

Just wondering.

Shit I’m gonna have to go dig up links to that shit now. That’s what happens when the brain spits and you’ve been delving into bloggerville, suddenly you gotta dig shit up.

Ah fuck bad line. I hope 3L’s still alive. Seriously I’m wondering. What would make you just totally abandon a high quality blog (aHEM, cough, urk, um, meesh?)

Whutsup with Malaysian meesh now that I think about it? I haven’t checked up on her in days (not literal days, well literal days, but not literal just a few days, as in literal maybe 100 days, but when I go there to get the link for this I will find out and so should you, cuz from what I remember it was high quality entertaining Malaysian type stuff with a twist of lime – ok I made up the lime part)

The cool thing (ok not THE cool thing, one of many cool things) about meesh was that she was like this big blogger star that was totally oblivious of it and gave less than a rats asshole burger about her playaz club status. There was another meesh, and what did she do? Not like SOME people who would have thrown a little hissy fit and started a huge blog controversy over someone biting her shit and then abandoning the fray and having people lose their jobs over it and other associated dogshit ass acres, no…

Um where was I? Oh yeah, mildly out of control. Um, meesh, she was cool. Colorado/Oxnard meesh that is. Blog meesh blog. Dammit.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah BLAH.

Oh yeah so I was gonna say that meesh is cool about other people being named meesh. Even though Malaysian meesh was probably first cuz she has the “meesh” tagline on her blogspot action. Duh george duh.

Whoah there’s like a little spider walking across some papers on my desk. Dang there have been like these giant blue-green shiny metallic flying bugs in here lately that I’m pretty sure are mutated horseflies shrunken down slightly and granted armored plating from Ace hardware. My horse eddie told me that. It’s a secret.

Jeez another typical horseshit linking post kissing the ass of other bloggers. Guess I’m a good ol’ traffic whore at heart after all. But I won’t link those that I hate on. That’s for the remix, and you gotta get yer ass down to sam goody & lay down $15.99 fer that shit. check the files for the kool keith underground shit with randy rhoads on guitar. The year before the plane accident that stole the greatest axe smith of all time he did a funky ass rap version of crazy train with the og octagonal one, yeah, dr. dooom pebblestone, and keith was whut like, down with ultramags, and shit, it never came out, but I got it.

Ok no I don’t, I’m making shit up.

And the runner up for lamest blog post ever for which a blog lost any respect that it may have ever earned in the gigasphere in one fell swoop, goes to, batman’s butler and the g’d up from the feet up diamond glass holding bastard sword duck soup eating dogshit acres taskmaster ghetto blaster.

This thing just won’t die so it’s time to kill it.

Bang.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Posted 3:15 PM by Alfred

Um, wolf?

Don’t say I didn’t warn you, contingent, shit ya know, I talks yang like I was fukn an og zhi-zhi, riding pine for the clips and cursing Donald sterling under my breath.

Weird thing happened this weekend. I really started digging Hawaii again.

Maybe it was the shock of getting back to the real life grind of day in day out dogshit acres expectancies, but the hangover from europa was making my little island seem something less than the haven of crizzopolis that it really is.

But fuk you never know maybe tomorrow I’ll be over it again.

But as for now plan is on course, kick it, maybe fukn buy a pad in the next not too distant whatever the fuk you call it, chill like jim donbrowski, and fuk, never know, maybe I’ll be back in cali before you know it. keep the home fires burning you goddamm jackalopes.

But seriously, part of me thinks I’ll be doing lines of gray poupon with a fukn beret on my head and a poodle named fifi riding shotgun, jaunting day trips out to the loire valley in my smart car before I reside in the golden state again anytime soon.

Or maybe anti’s right. Maybe cali is a big fukn magnet for all those born & raised within its confines. Maybe I will be caught in its swirling vortex of doom and trundle through the nether winding up on the corner of Colorado and Brand, tha muthafuckin heart of Glendale, wondering whut the fuk happened. G’d up from the feet up.

Fuk I gotta pee. I don’t wanna get fukn euromycetisis poisoning, then I’ll really be fucked.

Really appreciate everybody’s feedback on my internal ramblings which I spilled onto blogger for all to behold. I was pretty surprised that you all actually gave a rat’s asshole burger & took the time to tell me what you thunk. Mahalo mahalo, and more mahalos for you in the back.

Saw whale rider yesterday. Really good flick.

I have GOT to see freddy vs. Jason. I don’t care to hear from anyone that thinks it sucked monkey balls. Well scratch that, I care to hear from anyone that has jack shit to say, but really, even if it was the worst movie of all time, I still must see it, if for nothing else than to see how they handle the combination of the two guys’ theme music. For some reason that is nudging my curiosity. Plus hearing Kelly Rowland say “fuck” over & over sounds like good times.

Um, let’s see anything else? Guess that’s it for now.

Peace out in bitten effect stuck wit a late pass. Freedom is a road seldom traveled by the multitude. There is your random public enemy quotation requirement for this afternoon.

Now go take on the day! and fuck Dr. Laura.

It's been a while since I posted a comic book cover. ok done & done. guess i'll take care of that whole peeing thing now.