Friday, October 04, 2002

Yo Fred.

Wuddup Josh.

Are we gonna tell em about new BLAM! Grape flavored ice tea with nutra-BANG or what my brudda?

Hells yeah! We wouldn't be keeping it even HALF real if we didn't!

Shit yeah fuckn shit YEAH!

I mean you KNOWS I get my BLAM! On every frikken day and 85 times on Fridays son! Din't you mothafukkin know that shit??

Oh hell goddam motherfrikken son of goatless mother hell fuck SHIT yeah I did, you little bitch of a ho!!!

Werd to the third straight UP you better. I mean, I would be seriously remiss in my duties as a ghetto bastard not to tell you that BLAM! Grape flavored ice tea is the bombizzled out franklin minted grandfather of all the shit that my fukn mental state can handle up in this bitch. Without it I would be one dead homey.

That is SO on the real my cantankerous deuschbag of a lexicon-sizzling bakesaling beyATCH!!!!

I mean, when I get my BLAM! On it's like I'm crawling through the Afghani desert, with a bazooka strapped to my left testicle, and some arab fucker comes up on me with a fukn pitchfork and ya know whut I'm saying, I'll be like BLAM! Suck on this you goddam piece of shit! That's a BLAM! Attack. And you know that long beach don't play when I'm trying to get my BLAM! On.

Hells no. preach on.

So anyway, like this fukn oil-suckin sicko pile of monkey-shit is gonna try to front on my platinum grill and my BLAM! Grape ice tea and I'll be like OH NO YOU DIDN"T.

That's what I'M saying.

Then say it playah!!!

Ok - hey yall - drink up on your BLAM! Or else we might have to bust a cap in yo ass.


You know when you have something in your head that's bothering you and you tell yourself, just get over it, dude, dang man are you a psycho or whut? well now is one of those moments. for the last few days it has been bothering me that i am not on dawn olsen's blog roll over at up yours. no check that not for the last few days for the last few months. look on that list to your left. all those bloggers i link them with no thoughts of any return linkage, i mean i just like reading all those blogs. some of them do link me but not very many. i am just too nice and magnanimous and all that stuff.

well dawn olsen set up a new site cuz blogger kicked her out and i updated her link to go to the new page, and then i went over to blogcritics, which is a pretty cool gigantic cabal of famous bloggers or whatever, and run by her husband eric olsen. he hadn't even updated the link yet!! and i did! what the fuck, why am i bothering? (ok, i just checked, now it's updated, but i won't let the facts get in the way of my argument). I've had Up Yours on my blog list almost since day 1!! can people reading this please click on dawn olsen and go over there, and then come back and then click the link again later so she notices me? am i like a little fly in her soup that she just has the waiter come and say "get rid of that goddamm little fly piece of shit!!!"?

dang i am out there today. but i read up yours almost every day, and she did a big thing complaining about how instapundit doesn't link her often enough. and when he does, he doesn't say the right things about her. instapundit!! dang if instapundit even thought about me i'd probably pass out. if instapundit even farted in my general direction, the hits alone would probably melt all the memory banks and destroy this little blog as you know it.

so dawn, really, i'm not talking smack, i love your blog, i think you are hilarious, you tell it like it is, you say whatever the hell is on your mind about any given subject and anyone with total disregard to how you may be perceived. so i must do the same. it is driving me crazy that i am not on your blogroll. why don't i just e-mail you? i don't know, i'm a pile, when i click on e-mail things on people's sites it opens up outlook and my computer crashes. i don't have the energy to go to yahoo and check my e-mail where no one ever writes me except the guy selling used pintos and duck phones. i want to be on the up yours blogroll, even if it's a little section entitles "whiny little bitch that is a large and tall piece of donkey shit"

ok that has been more than enough. don't judge me on this one, blogosphere, i'm not trying to stir up trouble, i just want to be on the up yours blogroll, i want to be somebody. it's like in steve martin's the jerk when he found his name in the phone book and ran around the gas station parking lot screaming "i'm somebody!!!" that's what i'm gonna do if i get linked by dawn olsen on her amazing site up yours. i'm gonna run around the skunkworks facility with absolutely no regard for my nasal passages and scream "I'm somebody - I'm on Dawn olsen's up yours blogroll and now everyone will come here and give me frankincence, gold, and myrhhh, whatever the fuck that is!! yippeeeee!"

but then again, dawn olsen probably won't even notice this. i mean, she is a big-time blogger with a lot of other stuff to worry about and attend to. but if enough of you click on these links for dawn olsen, then maybe she will and someday i'll be somebody!! maybe i'll be the head window washer at texaco!!! no dream is too big!!!!

ok now THAT has been more than enough.


bumpin some serious def leppard, hysteria style. Ok maybe it's not serious, but it's hardcore. Ok maybe it's not hardcore but it's severely on the edge and dangerous. Don't argue with me on this. Def Leppard is fukn hazardous, they will fuck you up.

Well some of you may have noticed my reticence yesterday. I mean, I did my little dillio for Meesh's birthday, and I cut and pasted the reply from Cap'n Crunch's first mate off of my e-mail. Yes, that was an actual e-mail from crunch headquarters. I know it's kind of a bite off of Jerry Seinfeld's fake letter books, but shit, sue me. Yeah, for all the cash that comes piling in every day off of this website. I'm fucking swimming in it, seriously. Well besides that I had mass work to do, and I was a little tired cuz I did some partying the night before.

You see it must be that birthday time of year, because it was my buddy Gabe's birthday on the 2nd, and a bunch of us went to the Hard Rock Café in Honolulu for dranks and boogying and various debaucherous activity. I tried to limit the beer consumption, which I did a pretty good job of, but I still had that lag in my step most of the day yesterday. That little electric feeling of exhaustion that seemed to kick in around 1 pm and was like a ghost, calling me to mi casa y mi cama y el sueno.

Anyhoo, it was pretty fun. There's so much I could say, so many angles I thought of taking on the description end of it as I stumbled around the collection of rock memorabilia. I really dig Hard Rock cafes the world over for all the cool crap hanging on the walls. The Honolulu one has a big "woody" - not a penis, mind you, but one of those beach boy station wagons with the fake wood lining. (is it fake, I don't know, whatever) hanging over the bar, which is in the center of the restaurant. Theres a dance floor off to one side, etcetera. As I was perusing the rocker history I noticed a framed set-up with little pieces of paper with the scribbled signatures of all three members of Nirvana, underneath a copy of that rolling stones cover they were on with kurt wearing the "Corporate magazines still suck" t-shirt. In my semi-drunken stupor, I was picturing kurt kicking back within feet of where I stood, possibly coming off or on a heroin binge, gazing at the walls like a dog at a bone, wondering where the hell the pizza was. I know Nirvana played Hawaii, at Pink's Garage, way back in the day, before my island life began.

So where was I, oh hard rock, gyeah. So we basically hung out and then I bailed after closing a little before 2 am. The rest of the crew headed for Ocean Club and more of the sauce and romper stomper. Not violence but the bumpin and shakin style.

Anyway, I stumbled to my vehicle, and who should I see waiting for me but my rabbit buddy Harvey, leaning against my car with a forty ounce of Coqui 900 in between his furry little paws.

"wassup buddy?" He had a twitch in his whiskers that could only spell trouble.

"what's the haps Harv, I'm heading home man. Beat and tired and gotta work in the manana."

"Fuk that you punk, we're going to the fukn Wave. There's a bottle of Cuervo there with our name on it." The giant bunny took a long swig of malt liquor and stared me in the eyes. It was like one of those scenes out of the old west. Mano a mano. The rock versus macho man savage, good versus evil in a classic battle of wits, strength, agility, and intestinal fortitude.

It was pretty fucked and unexpected, because usually Harvey is my ride home in these circumstances, but it looked like tonite that was out of the question. He was on the prowl and wanted some crew to drank some brew.

"Dude it's not gonna happen, Harv, I'm outtie like Ferdinand Capowtey." I said. I was tizired and needed slizneep.

"Punk ass bitch." With that, Harvey chugged the last of the bottle, threw it in a rage against the wall of a nearby church, screamed a high pitched squeal that was completely undecipherable, and hopped away into the night, his long ears flopping around in a drunken sway.

Fukn rabbit.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

FROM: Consumer Relations,

RE: Cap'n Crunch's Oops! Choco Donuts Cereal

Hello Keith:

Cap'n Crunch is off sailing around the world on the S.S. Guppy at this time, so it falls to me to respond to your rather lengthy e-mail.

The Crunch monster (or as he prefers to be known, The Crunchberry Beast, has gone into hiding because he knows that the Crunchlings can defeat him with the proper training. Their on-going battle is helping make the world a safer place for the world's supply of Crunchium (the magical ingredient that gives Cap'n Crunch cereal its famous crunch). Smedley the Elephant is on the Guppy as well as Sea Dog and the rest of the Cap'n's fearless crew.

Choco-Donuts. Thank you for the compliment--they are "good stuff" as you said. But nothing the Cap'n does is ever an accident. The invention was nothing similar to that unfortunate incident with Captain America. It was more like the first time you surfed a pipeline in Maui.

We're so glad you think the Sprinkle-tizer and the Crunch-a-tizer are so great. They were invented by the Cap'n specifically to make Oops, Choco Donuts. As for the name, the cereal replaced Oops! All Berries. We kept the Oops! name for product recognition.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, the Cap'n is really happy when he gets compliments like yours,

1st Mate (on land)

Happy Birthday Meesh!!!

For those not in the know, Meesh is the epitome of bloggerville style, grace, and soul, dispensing wisdom on a variety of topics and spreading good vibes on the regular. She's like Amy on the A-Team if Amy had decided to kick Hannibal's ass and bitchslap B.A. Baracus and take over the whole organization with Murdock as her second in command. As for Face, well, I guess he would be like her pet with a gold flea collar.

That makes absolutely no sense. So, uh, happy birthday!!

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

10 more things you may not have known about living hawaii (pt. 2 of 5?)

11. you have to hold your frikken gas pump while you're filling your tank because they made those little thingies that keep the trigger down illegal years ago. Apparently some moron left it on and flooded out a gas station or some such nonsense. If you're really clever you can wedge like a twig in there or something, but I'm not, so I hold the gas pump, look at the beautiful scenery, and curse out my congressperson under my breath. Oh yeah and the gas is expensive as hell, they're trying to litigate the gas companies for price-fixing but they're sneaky bastards with good attorneys.

12. We never change our time. Half the year we're 3 hours behind cali, and half the year we're 2 hours behind.

13. The democratic party has a strangle-hold on local politics. They are so entrenched that the progressive beuracratic layers have produced one of the most corrupt state governments in the country, which screws the taxpayers out of millions of dollars a year in bribes, kickbacks, and other schemes. For more on THAT story and other cool stuff about hawaii that the mainstream newspapers won't tell you go here.

14. There really are geckos (little local lizards) everywhere. They crawl on your walls and kill bugs. They're my friends.

15. The only division 1-A football team, the University of Hawaii Warriors, used to be called the Rainbow Warriors, but some marketing department determined that they should no longer be referred to as Rainbows, because there was some kind of gay connotation to it. (seriously)

16. The west side of each island is called the leeward side. The east side is called the windward side. This is because the trade winds blow east to west, keeping a steady breeze and more rainfall on the east side. More rain because the clouds get held up by the big mountains in the center of the islands. This phenomenon allows for drastically different weather on different parts of the island at any given time. And no I'm not a meteorologist so that explanation is probably all fucked up.

17. When you're in Honolulu, you don't give or take directions in terms of north, south, east, and west. You refer to Ewa, Diamond Head, Mauka, and makai. Mauka means mountains and makai means ocean. Ewa refers to Ewa beach which is north of Honolulu on the Leeward coast, and Diamond Head refers to the large dormant volcano crater which is the scenic view from Waikiki Beach (see picture above).

18. For surfers: South swell (town) during the summer, north shore kicks up during the winter. North Shore is where the huge waves come in. Pretty big waves come into Makaha wrapping from the north shore break during this time too. Ok now all you surfer people can tell me that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I think that's about right. The summer swell in town can kick up some big waves from time to time too.

19. Honolulu is the home of the only existing (and only ever, I think) royal palace in the United States. Iolani Palace - former center of the Hawaiian Monarchy. (see below) They give tours. Like many other locals probably, I have never even been there. I know, I'm a pile. I've driven by it though, and it's pretty cool looking. Very, um, regal.

20. In the seafood department of all the grocery stores you can buy "poke" which is diced up cuts of raw fish. Ahi (tuna), tako (squid) and other good stuff marinated in shoyu sauce, limu sauce, and other stuff I know hardly anything about but consume nonetheless. It's one of many locally distinct "pupus" (appetizers).

aloha bloggerland and associated villages and hamlets.

as you may know, i am a very mysterious person, in that you have no idea of my real identity. i could be a midget in ecuador riding a llama and really, you wouldn't be able to dispute that in a court of law. i mean i talk about hawaii, but really, what proof do you have? i could just be reading my johnny jehosophat guide to eloquent bullshitting and metamorphosizing some marshmallow flavored cueballs up in here.

if you want to laugh hard and read about one of the main mans of the blogosphere, read this. it's dawn olsen interviewing jim treacher. now i mention jim here every once in a while but if you think i'm a mystery, i mean, this guy is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and peppered with alfalfa sauce. i mean, there is no verifiable recognizance in his vector whatsoever. anyway, i'm babbling, read the interview, it's from back in may, i believe, before dawn officially became his stalker. some of the comments jim makes, it like he must have had a staff of professional writers and triumph the insult dog feeding him material. either that or he's a maniacal genius. or both. whatever.

ok i really have nothing to say beyond that. but seriously read the interview, it's funny. seriously. no, for real.

dang it's one of those days where everything i write sounds like shite tripe. now is the time on sprockets when we dance.

Found another island blogger this morning, check her out, her site is called paradise ali. Looks like she lives on the big island. Also check out her list of 100 things about herself which was pretty dang interesting.

I'm feeling so island-rific that I think I'll throw up the next 10 things you might not have known about living hawaii later today. That's if I feel super duper freaky deaky and extra creaky.

Okey dokey smokey I'm off like janice groff. The wolves are at the door and the pizza is getting cold. increase the peace and release the grease.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Cap'n Horatio Crunch
Crunchville Acres
La La Land, USA

Dear Mr. (Cap'n?) Crunch,

First off, I want to say, I am a HUGE fan. Huge, as in, I really like you, not that I am really really fat. Well, I guess I'm a little chubby, but I'm not like Jabba the Hutt or anything. More like Anna Nicole Smith if she lost a few pounds, oh and I'm a guy and I don't have giant fake breasts.

Anyway, I'm getting a little sidetracked. I really like your cereal. Especially the Crunch Berries. Whatever happened to that crunch monster that used to be on the box with you? And the elephant that used to be on the cover of the Peanut Butter Crunch? I liked that elephant, but I wasn't too crazy about Peanut Butter Crunch. Don't get me wrong, it's better than almost any other cereal by those "other" cereal makers. I mean, what the hell, snap crackle pop? Gimme a break.

Anyhoo, wanted to ask you about your new cereal, (which is GREAT) not grrreeeaaatt like Tony the Tiger would say, that's for Frosted Flakes, which I must admit, I like them too, but not as much as the Crunch cereals, ok I'm digressing again. Your new cereal: Choco-Donuts. Holy Shit! That is some good stuff. One question, though, why do you say "Oops" on the box. It says "Ooops, Choco-Donuts." Was it some kind of freak accident in the cereal lab? Was it like when Captain America got injected with the super-soldier serum and some nazi guy ran in the room and shot the professor? Man, I am DYING to know.

I studied intently the picture of your production facilities on the back of the box. I was with you as far as the sprinkle-tizer. Does that thing sprinkle giant sprinkles which then fuse with the giant donuts? I really liked your idea of a crunch-a-tizer to mash all those donuts into little crunchy donuts. They're yummy!

Dang Cap'n just want to end this with thanks for all the great mornings. I gotta say I think you should give up props to the Soggies some time in the near future. A hero is only as great as his arch-nemeses, and those soggies were not to be messed with. And you can put that on long beach.


Keith Pennyworth
Kaneohe, HI

Aah shit. Ray Lewis looks happier than that time he didn't have to go to jail for his little super bowl party drama a few years back. Does anyone even remember that anymore? Something about not being forthcoming about evidence in a murder trial? Ah, water under the bridge, Ray, just keep spanking bronco ass like that and you're good in my book. Hey everybody witnesses people getting killed every once in a while and forgets to report it. Common mistake.

Dang, which team was Brian Griese playing for last night? They should have put the kicker in at quarterback, he completed a 108 yard kick/pass (to the other team, but that's just quibbling right?)

Ok enough shit talking.

I wanted to clarify some of my little dillio on Tom Leykis and the battle of the sexes from yesterday. I had a bunch of other stuff written, but I chopped it up, and I'm thinking it didn't come out right, so I thought I'd spill on the other stuff I wrote. I guess the lesson is not to edit myself. I kind of feel like I portrayed Leykis as some kind of hooker referral service. Again, please be aware that I don't understand anything about humans. I live in a cave with a bat named Walter and we grunt and growl and spit out sunflower seeds at the passing subway train. That is the extent of my human interaction and knowledge, be that as it may, I'm just gonna paste in the other stuff I was typing yesterday as my mind wandered:

I'm not saying I agree with everything Leykis says, but he makes a lot of VERY good points. Women tend to take advantage of men that let them, and tend to be more attracted to men they find unavailable and uninterested. Think about it ladies. You don't want a guy calling you every day, you want a guy that's a little bit of a challenge, right? Not necessarily an asshole, but someone whose life isn't revolved around getting a hold of you. Now of course not ALL women will walk all over the sensitive guy, but you do have SO many cases of the "nice guy" phenomenon. The guy with all the girls who are his friends, who can't understand why no girls want to hook up with him, dang, he's such a sweetie, right? Right, and thus no challenge and totally unappealing to the frauhleins.

I hate to be Mr. Generalization, but for a large portion of the population, dating is basically an exchange of commodities. Women want money, and men want sex. Most people usually have to give up one for the other. Tom Leykis is trying to educate men on how to get sex while spending little or no money. Meesh's friend "S" is giving up the technique on scoring the cash with no sex. Yin and Yang. Bert and Ernie. There's two sides to every argument, and obviously I'm on the male side of the coin, but ya know? A mark is a mark. Any guy that is coughing up cash to some girlie and not getting any reciprocation deserves what he gets, just for being a rich dumbfuck. And likewise, girls, if you're letting some dude that doesn't give a flying eff about you climb up on board, and then you get hurt emotionally? hey, roll with the punches, next time be smart. It sucks, but there's a lot of jerks out there. There's also a lot of bitches. You signed on for a game with no rules, and unless you can deal with the results, don't throw your dice on the table. (enough cliches yet?)

Of course, these are total stereotypes, and not all (hopefully not even most) people fall into these cookie cutter categories. There are a lot of people out there just looking for somebody to be with in a caring relationship, no strings attached. But think about it: how many guys are going to continue to date a girl with no sex on the horizon? And how many girls keep dating a guy with no job/no cash? It's not a matter of good or bad, it's just the way it is.

Well what do you think bloggerville? Am I saying anything that isn't painfully obvious anyway? Am I totally talking out of my ass? Did I take this job for a cheap buck? Was the loch ness monster really jack the ripper?

Stay tuned and find out none of the above. Ok I'm out like a light switch. Tomorrow: Chicken Basting Fetishes: Sickness or Cure? You be the judge.

Monday, September 30, 2002

Just got back from lunch and was listening to the eloquent Tom Leykis. For those not in the know, Mr. Leykis is a radio host in LA who is most famous for his on-line class known as Leykis 101, in which he educates men on how to get laid. Yes, you heard me, how to get LAID. For as little money as possible. He is NOT an expert on relationships (4 failed marriages), but he IS a self-proclaimed professor of poon. Basically he sticks up for the guys in this world that get walked all over by selfish, greedy, women. One of his key pieces of advice is to find your inner a-hole, because that's what women are attracted to.

Anyway, I don't want to play myself off as some cracked out Ann Landers, so I won't go too far into the woods, but my brain got shifted further in this direction when I made my daily (ok, two or three times daily) surf over to the blog of the informative and fascinating Meesh, and well what do you know? Her friend, the mysterious "S" has come up with some very handy info for the females in the eternal struggle known as the game: how to score a sugar daddy.

Fascinating stuff. Now if this is not the yang to the yin that is Tom Leykis, it just doesn't exist. Leykis is the guru for the guys on getting sex with no money, and miss "S" appears to be the last word for the ladies on getting money with no sex. I sense a love connection, where the hell is Chuck Woolery?

What's my point? No point, I just find it interesting. Haven't you learned that this blog ain't about making points? I'm like a fly on the wall that accidentally landed in a vat of LSD, somehow escaped, and is just enjoying the colors. It's a skewed view with no ifs ands or buts, careless comments with total lack of analysis. Or so it appears.

Because before you know it, I've got you thinking, and then BAM you're hooked, on the ultrablognetication, for which there is no known cure except for daily reading. Bonus points for digging through the archives and e-mailing me a book report.


busy busy busy. i know that's my same old excuse, but until you want to pay me a handsome salary for doing this here blog, it is one you will have to graciously accept and deal with and integrate into your mind regardless of the societal ramifications. capiche?

dang it's like they expect me to WORK at this gig. shite.

well Cal lost. but the Raiders won. no they did not just win they TROUNCED. good stuff. for one day only, i am the world's biggest Baltimore Ravens fan, who i am hoping will spank some bronco ass tonite.

um what else? saw the Tuxedo on Friday. it was um well, ok. action and goofiness and jackie chan. j. l. hewitt was kind of annoying and dorky but well, what can you do. enjoyable flick, nonetheless. we were going to see Barbershop, but theater technical difficulties prevented that.

i am MAD sunburned. as in red painful skin coloring. but i'm pulling through like a trooper. ask mrs. p, i'm not whining TOO bad, right babe? (ok I'm whining pretty bad, but well cut me a break). You'd think I'd have learned that i can't lay in the sun without getting majorly singed. but i got one thick head. well well.

ok that is about IT for now. tune in later, mis amigos.